Does anyone else just feel like ending it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Once again, I have fallen into the trap of believing this time, the wonderful, happy connection with my PWBPD will continue. After 31 years of marriage I have finally figured out how to set limits and NOT be emotionally drawn in, when she breaks through them.

Today, I had the audacity to walk without crutches, on day 30 of my recovery, instead of day 31, like my doctor suggested. I said, "I hear you and will be careful, but I know my body and can do this safely." How about I keep crutches close in case I need them?

She storms away from our lunch claiming I embarrassed her and, "chose an awful place anyway." When talking about how my body was responding to treatment, I "manspained" things to her. Then I invalidated her right to speak by not agreeing to compromise.

I'm not going to get emotionally involved! I've learned after all these years.  So, we continue to the art museum, a treat I arranged for her. Throughout, she ignored my comments and questions, refusing to talk to me.

I decide to give her even more time and try to have a calm lunch. She's driving because she is afraid of me driving with my injury. She makes several wrong turns, blaming me for not overriding her phone's instruction. Still, I find a wonderful table, away from crowds (she greatly fears COVID) and proceed to take some artistic photos for her to use on her social media account.

I'm thinking I've done it because my PWBPD is beginning to talk with me again. On the way home, she tells me I need to be present when the dishwasher repairperson is finished so that I don't complain about her "controlling me" when she tells me how to he said to care for it.

I fell for her bait! I say "I trust you with these things, I just may have a different opinion. Sometimes I'm going to chose what I think is best for me." I have stepped over a line, I guess, because she's shouting, "I am too anxious and cannot hear anything else from you, if you going to call me a controlling, bully." Knowing better, I honor her demand, but only after saying, "I do not think you are a bully. If I said that, I was wrong, you are not a bully."

Her only reply is, "I need you to stop talking." I say, "sure, but I do not want you to leave this conversation thinking I think you are bully." Her reply, "Why are there still words coming out of your mouth?"

She has KOed me with that statement. Truly, my only hope to avoid these arguments is to simply do whatever she says. Unfortunately, I tried that for 30 years with no success. I gave up jobs, intimacy, friends, and family because of her "anxiety" or unhappiness with them. 

My wife's crazy wealthy (like 8 figures wealthy) while I have nothing (she has a pretty strong wall around her wealth). Meanwhile, I am disabled and have given up my entire career for her and our children (I have a fantastic relationship with our three children).

I cannot continue on in this way. However, separation is not an option. I am not interested in suffering because of the way she reframes our relationship. I, the 250 bodybuilder, will be the controlling bully while she is doing everything she can to keep me from loosing my cool. Moreover, I do not think I can abandon our adult children, who depend on my wife's wealth themselves. Will she turn on them?

So, my only out seems to be to end my life. I know this is extreme, but it's the only way I will not suffer. I've felt this way a few times and seem to find a second (3rd, 4th, etc) wind. Last time, I tried to communicate to my wife how close I was to ending my life, sitting in my car contemplating what to do next. Her reply was, "Then do you want me to lock up the house?"

I feel like I am running out of energy with this. How often do partners feel suicidal? Whats a next step? I have consider all the options, hospitalization, help lines, therapist. The only solution is to leave, but that's not possible. 

Help!
   

[CHChuck]

Once again, I have fallen into the trap of believing this time, the wonderful, happy connection with my PWBPD will continue. After 31 years of marriage I have finally figured out how to set limits and NOT be emotionally drawn in, when she breaks through them.

Today, I had the audacity to walk without crutches, on day 30 of my recovery, instead of day 31, like my doctor suggested. I said, "I hear you and will be careful, but I know my body and can do this safely." How about I keep crutches close in case I need them?

She storms away from our lunch claiming I embarrassed her and, "chose an awful place anyway." When talking about how my body was responding to treatment, I "manspained" things to her. Then I invalidated her right to speak by not agreeing to compromise.

I'm not going to get emotionally involved! I've learned after all these years.  So, we continue to the art museum, a treat I arranged for her. Throughout, she ignored my comments and questions, refusing to talk to me.

I decide to give her even more time and try to have a calm lunch. She's driving because she is afraid of me driving with my injury. She makes several wrong turns, blaming me for not overriding her phone's instruction. Still, I find a wonderful table, away from crowds (she greatly fears COVID) and proceed to take some artistic photos for her to use on her social media account.

I'm thinking I've done it because my PWBPD is beginning to talk with me again. On the way home, she tells me I need to be present when the dishwasher repairperson is finished so that I don't complain about her "controlling me" when she tells me how to he said to care for it.

I fell for her bait! I say "I trust you with these things, I just may have a different opinion. Sometimes I'm going to chose what I think is best for me." I have stepped over a line, I guess, because she's shouting, "I am too anxious and cannot hear anything else from you, if you going to call me a controlling, bully." Knowing better, I honor her demand, but only after saying, "I do not think you are a bully. If I said that, I was wrong, you are not a bully."

Her only reply is, "I need you to stop talking." I say, "sure, but I do not want you to leave this conversation thinking I think you are bully." Her reply, "Why are there still words coming out of your mouth?"

She has KOed me with that statement. Truly, my only hope to avoid these arguments is to simply do whatever she says. Unfortunately, I tried that for 30 years with no success. I gave up jobs, intimacy, friends, and family because of her "anxiety" or unhappiness with them. 

My wife's crazy wealthy (like 8 figures wealthy) while I have nothing (she has a pretty strong wall around her wealth). Meanwhile, I am disabled and have given up my entire career for her and our children (I have a fantastic relationship with our three children).

I cannot continue on in this way. However, separation is not an option. I am not interested in suffering because of the way she reframes our relationship. I, the 250 bodybuilder, will be the controlling bully while she is doing everything she can to keep me from loosing my cool. Moreover, I do not think I can abandon our adult children, who depend on my wife's wealth themselves. Will she turn on them?

So, my only out seems to be to end my life. I know this is extreme, but it's the only way I will not suffer. I've felt this way a few times and seem to find a second (3rd, 4th, etc) wind. Last time, I tried to communicate to my wife how close I was to ending my life, sitting in my car contemplating what to do next. Her reply was, "Then do you want me to lock up the house?"

I feel like I am running out of energy with this. How often do partners feel suicidal? Whats a next step? I have consider all the options, hospitalization, help lines, therapist. The only solution is to leave, but that's not possible. 

Help!
   

[BigOof]

How often do partners feel suicidal?

Not as uncommon as you think when it comes to toxic relationships.

If the constant unjustified blaming is the source of your distress, leaving the relationship is the most straightforward way to solve the problem.

The next step is to get a hotel room for a couple of days and test what it feels like to not have someone blame you all day long. I know it felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I did it. The more I spent time away from my blamer, the better my mood was.

Careful though, pwBPD will take this as abandonment and dyregulate.

[15years]

The only solution is to leave, but that's not possible. 

Help!
   

How much have you considered leaving the relationship and how quickly do you come to the solution that you can't leave and give up on examining that option?
Do you think your perspective would change if you, as an experiment, would plan all the details of a separation, without thinking that you have to go through with it?

[CHChuck]

How much have you considered leaving the relationship and how quickly do you come to the solution that you can't leave and give up on examining that option?
Do you think your perspective would change if you, as an experiment, would plan all the details of a separation, without thinking that you have to go through with it?

I have put quite a bit of thinking and planning into this option. The few days I have a plan that I think can work, I feel blissful. However, I am beginning to think I've waited too long to have a good life away from her.

Further, while she would be horrified and vigorously defend a description of her being controlling, not surprisingly, she is just that. Therefore, I future financial security would be greatly jeopardized. Likewise, I wonder is it my responsibility to protect them in some way.

If I knew they were protected and I would have a mildly comfortable retirement, I'd be gone in a second. If the money were reversed, I'd give her a very comfortable stipend and tell her to have a happy life.

Also, whats my role in caring for her? The more I learn about her, the more dysfunctional I know she is. If I don't care for her, who will?

[kells76]

Hi CHChuck,

This really stood out to me as you wrote about what you're going through:

I cannot continue on in this way.

When we reach the point of thinking about killing ourselves, our minds and bodies are sending us STRONG messages of this: we can't keep going like how it's been. I don't want to get too far down the "explaining" side, though I do want to mention that just because a message is embodied, doesn't necessarily mean it's about what to do with our literal bodies. Suicidality is an embodied message that seems to be about what to do with our bodies, yet is expressing in an embodied way (i.e. loud and clear to us) something really important, that might not be about what to do with our physical bodies. Some writers suggest that the message is true -- that something in our lives needs to end -- but just because it shows up as "I am the thing that needs to end" doesn't make that true. I will end all this "explanation" by saying that I have also struggled through a long time of passive suicidality and I get where you are coming from. I hope all this "explanation" isn't a turnoff. I also struggle to really believe it sometimes.

I also hear you that you feel trapped -- that leaving is not possible. Often, pwBPD try to "corner" us into "impossible situations" where it seems like those we love and care about (our children) would be hurt if we did what was best for us. Am I reading you right, that that's where you see yourself?

You also deserve recognition for bringing how you feel into the light. For some people, feeling suicidal is shameful, or they think people won't understand, or there's some other reason to not talk about it. Thank you for saying something. That takes courage.

I see you're still online, so I'll wrap it up here -- looking forward to hearing some more of what you think and where you're at.

[CHChuck]

How much have you considered leaving the relationship and how quickly do you come to the solution that you can't leave and give up on examining that option?
Do you think your perspective would change if you, as an experiment, would plan all the details of a separation, without thinking that you have to go through with it?

You know, some of the most wonderful days of my adult life are days I am traveling without her, family, or work to consider. In 31 years, I've had about 10 of those days, no more than three days at a time, tacked onto a family or business trip.  

I feel the stress fall away.  That said, when we are doing well, I am just as happy. The biggest danger is how quickly things turn. Sometimes, either decision I make can lead to trouble. I let her off to pick-up our mail. Then, waited at the end of the drive to 1) drive her to the house or 2) to keep the car out of the way so she can walk without worrying about it. Turns out BOTH those decisions were wrong, I was supposed to choose 3) park the car promptly so that she did not have to worry about it. This poor choice prompted substantial anger that would have been an explosion if I had said, "I did my best here, sorry."  Of course, I can see just as easily her loosing it if I had promptly parking the car.  I live on a knife's edge here.

[Cat Familiar]

That you feel depressed, with few options, is not uncommon for partners of people with BPD. Approximately 3/4 of our members have experienced depression due to these relationships. I don’t have to tell you it’s not easy, as you have 30 years of experience.

While you are considering your options and the next step, here’s an easy thing to try: Text 741741 and see what resources might be available in your area.

I hope things look up for you. Congratulations on your recovery a day ahead of schedule.

[CHChuck]

Hi CHChuck,

This really stood out to me as you wrote about what you're going through:
...

I see you're still online, so I'll wrap it up here -- looking forward to hearing some more of what you think and where you're at.

Thank you for your kind words. I am actually about to see my therapist, but want to properly respond. I know I am only feeling suicidal. I am not suicidal.  However, if this happens when I'm 65, instead of 55, it might be different. I am curious how many partners of pwbpd experience these feelings.  

Of course, today, all is well for my wife. I am the one hanging onto the "emotions and negativity." In her mind, I lost control yesterday, attacking her.  I've learned to deal with the calmness, but what happens when I cannot get away during her disregulated moments?

[kells76]

I am actually about to see my therapist, but want to properly respond. I know I am only feeling suicidal. I am not suicidal.  However, if this happens when I'm 65, instead of 55, it might be different.

Hey again... I totally get that distinction, thanks for the update. I've also struggled, weirdly, with fearing that I might at some moment be overcome by an impulse to end my own life. Like, if I'm feeling suicidal, then why would I be afraid to do that? I guess there is some part of both of us that wants to keep us alive. I wonder if that sounds true to you?

Glad you have a T for support in addition to the group here. It makes a difference.

I am curious how many partners of pwbpd experience these feelings. 

While my DH doesn't have a PD, his kids' mom has many strong BPD traits, she married someone with strong NPD traits, my mom at least has cPTSD, DH's mom in the past had strong BPD traits, my mom's dad has been described as NPD, two of DH's sisters have BPD traits, and my high school best friend's mom has severe BPD. I guess that explains it 

what happens when I cannot get away during her disregulated moments?

CHChuck, I wonder if you've talked with your T about feelings of being trapped or unable to get away? While it may be different for you, for me those were interwoven with the suicidality.

[15years]

What happens to pull you out of that  blissful feeling coming from thinking about separation?

[EZEarache]

I feel like I am running out of energy with this. How often do partners feel suicidal? Whats a next step? I have consider all the options, hospitalization, help lines, therapist. The only solution is to leave, but that's not possible. 

Help!

You are not alone! When things really started going sour with my ExwBPD. I was standing on a bridge ready to jump. Most days, lately, I don't think this way anymore. Leave the relationship, and get yourself help. Your future exwBPD sounds like a very nasty, self-centered person, BTW.

[maxsterling]

I wish I had the time to read all the posts here in detail, but sadly BPDw is in the next room and pissed off/abusive at the same old things.

I can relate to what you are going through.  For me, it is about 10 years being together.  When things are good, they are the best times of my life.  But like you, it is the abrupt good to very bad that had me worn out to the point of no longer enjoying the "good" because fear of the "bad" is always in the back of my mind.  I've developed coping mechanisms and means of providing me relief, but those are getting more difficult as the years go by. 

I can't say that I have felt "suicidal", but at times I have thoughts that if I got hit by a car and was dying I might feel a sense of relief in those last moments. 

I've been told the r/s is abusive for a long time by multiple professionals.  I think it has been the past year when my body is starting to say "enough".  Until recently, I cared.  Now if she decided to move out tomorrow, I know I would be happier.  I even fantasize about what fun I would have with the kids without her around.  I've completely run out of energy to even try.  For awhile, I was trying to see my role in the conflict and alter my behavior.  Now I see how futile that is.  Yesterday she was mad because she tried to call me from the grocery store and I did not answer the phone.  She expects me to be reachable immediately all the time, whether in a work meeting, showering, sleeping, driving or in the middle of a medical procedure.  My response to her?  I do the best I can, but what she is asking for is unreasonable and often physically impossible.  My body is having weird symptoms that oddly go away when I am at work.  I know it is stress.  My body is telling me that this can't continue.

What keeps me going is the knowledge that I was happy 99% of the time before I was dealing with her, and I get a smile on my face as soon as I know I will have a few hours to myself.  Someone once remarked to me that I was always smiling, but now I am not. 

I think that is what you need to do.  Take a long thought about what your life would look like if you had your own place again.  You might have less money, and it might be a smelly old studio, but do you get a smile on your face thinking about it?  There are other ways out. 

[Cat Familiar]

Long term marriage should yield you some financial benefits. Contact an attorney.

[CHChuck]

What happens to pull you out of that  blissful feeling coming from thinking about separation?

In all honesty, with a single, remarkable therapist, I tell my wife how I feel, the therapist helps my wife make sense of it, and we have a reset. Then we are usually good for a couple of weeks. That is, until I slip up and have any reaction (even by making a face) to some critique of my behavior.

With this particular therapist, I have hope, but only when she is involved. Then I think, I can do this, if not for myself, for my children. 

That said, our therapist knows I'm nearing my endpoint, one way or another. Today, my wife has completely reconstructed yesterday's events, insisting she has no reason to feel any blame.  Of course, I don't care about blame, I care about the caring!

As you can probably tell, I'm so confused.

[CHChuck]

Long term marriage should yield you some financial benefits. Contact an attorney.

Thank you. They should. I've contacted an attorney who says, "You should have enough to have some sort of life." 

Our income is $1M a year thanks to her family trusts.  She donates a massive amount of that and we use the rest to renovate and furnish her family homes. We have spent enough on furniture and art to buy a home.

Unfortunately, virtually all of these things are in her name or her family trusts. So, nothing is certain. Also, I've grown really accustomed to a high standard of living. 

If the roles were reversed, I'd provide my wife with a certain comfort and move on, happily. Without our children, I would likely have left long ago. Unfortunately, we cannot trust my wife to care for them. Without my intervention, she turns on them.

Money is wonderful, but sometimes it sucks as well.  Truly, I understand many others are in a much dire situation.

[Turkish]

CHChuck,

I haven't followed your story. Can you remind us how old are your kids?

To answer your question, I felt ideation, if only passively, to wander into the hills to go as far as I could and then not... when my kids were 1 and 3. I didn't see an exit and felt devastated by daily life at the time. That was 9 years ago.

It's great that you have a therapist. Do you have anyone else in life for support?

Cat Familiar's suggestion to text 741741. Staff vetted it a few years ago and it felt helpful.

Being a target, shown no empathy, is brutal, and I'm sorry that you're a target. Please keep engaged with us here, we've got you  

Turkish

[CHChuck]

I wish I had the time to read all the posts here in detail, but sadly BPDw is in the next room and pissed off/abusive at the same old things.

...

I think that is what you need to do.  Take a long thought about what your life would look like if you had your own place again.  You might have less money, and it might be a smelly old studio, but do you get a smile on your face thinking about it?  There are other ways out. 

I comforted to know I am not alone in this turmoil, but I feel sorry for your situation. I remember those days, 20 years ago, when my heart would sink if I saw her car in the driveway coming home.

I remember the absolute bliss I experienced when she went on shopping trips to NYC with her mother, leaving me with the kids. We had a BLAST without a fear of the hammer coming down. Note - I suggested I take similar trips and was promptly scolded because how could she take care of three boys by herself?

When things are good, my wife is a sweet, gentile spirit. Unfortunately, that can all change within 5 minutes (I've timed it). By the end, I've lost my cool, become emotional, and are "so cruel and evil."  

In general, I've coped by learning to be content with my absolute best. I make decisions because I think they are for the best, considering everyone involved. That's all I can do.  Generally, that gets me through the minor affronts. Challenges arise when she demands I do something with our children or business I know is a mistake and will hurt people OR she tells me how I MUST care for my body the way she thinks I should. I'm an athletic, muscular man in my fifties who people say looks 40.

For you, I would say if I could turn the clock back 20 years, I'd seriously consider starting over. My biggest snag is I am an aging, frequently injured man in his 50s who has been spoiled by an exceptional standard of living. If I could be 30 again!

Good luck my friend. DM me if you'd like.

[CHChuck]

CHChuck,

I haven't followed your story. Can you remind us how old are your kids?
...
Being a target, shown no empathy, is brutal, and I'm sorry that you're a target. Please keep engaged with us here, we've got you  

Turkish

Thank you for your suggestions and kind words. My children are adults now, 28, 24, and 21 and all have homes and partners of their own. Unfortunately, they could not afford those homes without the income from family trusts, controlled by my wife. 

We often see the T together and I feel hopeful afterwards. The T is not one to provide labels, so she helps my wife deal with some of the manifestations of her illness, like massive anxiety.

For two years now, our T has said, if you need to split, let's decide together. My PWPBD would never do that, she is too dependent on me. Really, she cannot regularly get through the day without me (she thinks).

Interestingly, I'm learning to take care of myself when she treats me the way she does. That means pulling away, going to the gym for longer periods of time, working at the library instead of at home, eating out by myself, etc.  When I told my wife I'd be doing that today until we see our T, she said, well, when you take care of yourself, that leaves me here to deal with the house.  I tell her, then you leave and I'll care for the house. She says, "you know I cannot do that."  I say, "then what if we talk about what I perceived happened yesterday and how that made me feel." She said, "I'm not going to get into the blame game with you." 

So, here we are.  She hammers me, flipping from loving to attacker in 3 minutes, then insists I lost my cool, became emotionally, and overwhelmed her.  When I take care of myself after this, she is angry. When I ask to acknowledge my perception (never the facts, just what I perceived), I am controlling her, even bullying. 

If only I had a robot mode, I could disassociate, letting her control me in whatever way she wished.

[Turkish]

You've been here a couple of years, and forgive me again for not following your history, but have the tools like SET helped at all to reduce conflict?

I talked to a therapist at our same HMO who told me that even if they thought a patient had BPD, they wouldn't Dx it by name. My BPD mother years ago even got a roundabout BPD diagnosis but she was smart enough to figure it out.

[CHChuck]

I think spending time in the tools might be helpful. I've read quite a bit and have doing a fair amount of personal therapy, but I like what I am seeing in the tools. At a minimum, I might be reminded of some of the things I have forgotten.

Honestly, my quest to learn how to navigate life with my partner has made me a much better person. Clearly knowing my boundaries then letter other things go puts those around me at ease. I have no problem say "I was wrong there" or "I hear what you are saying." I've learned not to take these things personally.

The challenge for me is projecting those characteristics at all times. "Walking on eggshells" is such a good description. However, I think each eggshell is attached to a mine that's about to explode. The consequences of each mistake can be so major...then again, they might be nothing at all...I never know. Regardless, my PhD wife will recognize even the slightest reference to some disorder and pounce.

Do I set limits? Setting limits then holding firm to them might lead to two weeks of pure hell. Maybe life is easier to, simply, acquiesce. Today would not have happened if I had been willing to use my crutches, like she had asked. Yes, I would not have exercised the injured body part, but I could have made that up.

[Turkish]

We've had members here who've had their SO's pick up things and toss it back like, "you're using tools on me" (or "being manipulative"). It's rare, but it happens. In those cases, I'd suggest that less is more. Keep it short: small potential targets.

If you have examples, perhaps we can help you work through a few with the collective experiences on the board. I'm logging off for the night. Keep talking to us. I'll be back later tomorrow to talk...

[15years]

You are afraid that you wife will cut your children off financially. I'm sure you have your reasons for suspecting this, but couldn't it all be a bluff, a tactic (intentional or unintentional) to scare you?

In my much shorter experience, pwBPD often bluff, it's words. Would she really punish your children for your actions. Wouldn't that look really bad, considering her reputation? What about her relationship with the children, isn't it important for her ego that they are dependent on her?

If she actually cut them off, they would have the chance to not be dependent on her. Not necessarily the worst development, although it might be a struggle for them to begin with.

[Notwendy]

15 years makes an important point here- as long as the children are financially dependent on your wife- she has some control over them.

I think I can tell you, with certainty, that your value to your children as a father is priceless. My father is deceased (of natural causes) and while I am older than your children are, his passing was a difficult loss. While you are concerned that if you were to leave your marriage, the children will lose their trust funds, that is far less of a loss to them than the loss of a father. It's not even comparable.

Although it was my father who earned the money in our home, BPD mother controlled it. A poster here once stated that BPD is an attachment disorder. The behaviors are more of an issue with the most intimate relationships and so the push pull will be most apparent in your relationship. For my BPD mother, money is a way she controls people. 

As a teen, I was already deciding how to become financially independent from my parents due to this, but a sibling, the golden child in the family took longer to do this. Although she helped this sibling financially, this sibling also feels more obligated to tolerate her behavior and she's more verbally abusive to them. In a way, her financial support was also enabling, and not in a good way- as it prolonged the financial dependence.

She is verbally abusive to me too, but I don't tolerate it. I have learned over the years, that if she offers to pay for something, it comes with contingencies.

The Karpman triangle is a component of our family relationships. BPD mother prefers victim position. Therefore you can not approach her with any kind of need- to her, that is encroaching on her emotional need to be taken care of. The dynamics of the family were that we were there to meet her needs. So if this were my mother, your being injured physically, would not result in her being sympathetic. You may be assuming it's obvious to her- you are in crutches, but the Karpman triangle is emotional.

It seems to me you are looking to her for approval. If she's talking to you again, well you must have done well and then well no, as if her feelings are contingent on what you do, but truly, you can not control her feelings or how she perceives things. What is the next step? To do what you can to regain some of your own self worth - through individual counseling ( not with your wife), 12 step CODA, a job of some sorts- either volunteer or paying. You may not need the money but jobs provide external validation and that helps with self esteem.

I don't discount the value of money. Money is important for a certain standard of living. It's certainly helpful to your children that they were able to get their own homes and have their material needs met. However, I have also seen where money from BPD mom resulted in enabling and enmeshment with a sibling and how enabling can diminish someone's self esteem.

I will also say that your intrinsic value as a human being and as a father, can not be measured in dollars. If you fear that leaving your marriage will harm your children financially, please know- for certain- that you are far more valuable than that. While adult children may not "need" their parents in the same way a child does, there is no age where that relationship becomes less significant. You are far more valuable to your children being here, no matter how it may impact their trust funds.

[yeeter]

I think you have lost yourself.  And are in a state of emotional suffering.  Seeking validation and a 'fix/change' to come from your partner.  But that change and validation will never come.  Because your partner is not capable of it.

So in way it is an unsolvable problem - that you keep trying to solve (this was me at least).

You can detach from that codependency and spend more energy focused on things that DO work for you.  Time at the gym.  Your own friends - definitely spend as much time with other healthy people as possible.  Especially your children!

Money is just... money.  As you have learned, it is not the path to happiness. 

Identify (with your T) and focus on some things that make 'you' a better, stronger, healthier person.  But none of these can have dependencies on your partner - things you can do.

Get yourself stronger and in a better place and then you can evaluate whether you want to continue with the status quo, knowing that will never change, or divorce or even just spend less time with your partner (lots of different models to marriage).

In your situation, volunteer can be very validating and rewarding.

Change is definitely possible.  It will take time.  And will require grieving over the loss of how you 'wish' it would be (but it can not be).

 

(ps:  no doubt some of the same dynamics with you, happen between mom and her children.  So whatever healthy mechanisms you can demonstrate on avoiding getting sucked in (learn the tools) gives them a model that they can also use to maintain boundaries.  Not being controlled by money is a key one - and is in part why the stay at home mom model is drifting out of favor)

[Notwendy]

no doubt some of the same dynamics with you, happen between mom and her children.

Yes.

BPD mom continues to control people with money. She seems to find people who need money to do things for her for pay and while she does pay them, she also uses money to control them. Not her kids. We have all become thankfully independent from her.

When Dad passed away, she disowned me. She has since "reowned" me whatever that means. We know that Dad left her enough money to be comfortable with. We have no idea what she does with it. We have nothing to do with it.

Please take care of yourself.

[EZEarache]

We've had members here who've had their SO's pick up things and toss it back like, "you're using tools on me" (or "being manipulative"). It's rare, but it happens. In those cases, I'd suggest that less is more. Keep it short: small potential targets.

From my experience it's not that rare. It probably happens with the really smart BPD's like mine. She regularly can read between the lines and turn things around fast enough to make my head spin. For example, when we were still in couples therapy, we were working on Active Listening. Here are a few choice responses I have received when I've tried to use Active Listening:

"I think Active Listening is B.S." -- After she gets mad at me while we were outside on a hike with the baby and I was really trying to save the relationship.

"You're not doing Active Listening right" This was said after I did not repeat back to her the exact quote she said to me in the same words. -- Our therapist told us to repeat the person's meaning in our own words.

"It's not O.K. to misinterpret what I wrote and then get mad at me for it. Just confirm. That's literally the whole point of active listening that we spent months working on." -- OK first off, see point 1 and 2, LOL. Who worked on Active listening?  There's no I in we. Secondly, this one just came in at me a few days ago, after I was unintentionally using active listening, correctly. Didn't realize that until just now. She was blame shifting and projecting onto me, her own poorly crafted text message. Looking at the bigger picture I kind of have to laugh about this now. Man did it piss me off in the moment, though.

Yeah, the smart ones will definitely weaponize tools against you.

[khibomsis]

CH Chuck, I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Bottom line: people are trying to tell you that you have a great standard of living but you don't want to live. Does that make any sense to you? A woman who cares for you would have made sure you were settled properly at marriage. Even now, should you consult a lawyer you will realize she can't leave you poor.

What she wants is control, and that is what is killing you. If she controls your children it is up to them to deal with it. Think of what you want to model for your children as healthy living, it gives them permission to be healthy too.

When I was suicidally depressed, through a great therapist I came to realize it was rage internalized. I used that rage to re-organize my life. I have food on the table every day, through Godde's grace. And I enjoy being alive.

Does any of this resonate with you?