Co-Parenting While Your Child Is In The Hospital

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don’t really know what I’m expecting posting this here. I’m mostly journaling this experience out for myself so I can process it and keep it documented for future dysregulations where this incident is brought up and used against me. It’s a long one, but if you’ve got the time I hope the words have some meaning to you. Also, if you see direct ways I could have improved in my interaction with my coparent in the future, I’m all ears. 

My two year old son had a 105 degree fever on Sunday and I was his custodian. With total dread/fear I rushed him through Sunday drivers to the best local hospital in my area. It’s about a half hour away and every time he stopped coughing I wanted to pull the car over to make sure he was still alive. This scenario is a nightmare for any parent. However, when you have a coparent with diagnosed BPD it’s even worse.

In the past, she’s blame shifted me by saying I didn’t do enough as a parent after she does care giving outside of our agreed caregiving schedule. Within the past month there was an episode where I wanted to get her opinion about a head injury at day care, and she managed to turn it into me shirking my responsibility. Then she brought up all of this Covid lockdown stuff with me not doing enough. How, I should just take the initiative on things and tell her about it later. However, her exact phrasing was much more nasty and abusive. Because of this my instinct was just not to tell her I was going to the emergency room. I called my parents on the way, and they said I should tell her anyway. So I did. Left to my own devices, she wouldn’t have found out until last night when we had to discuss drop off and pick up schedule, LOL.

We did surprisingly well the first day. Things seemed almost normal as we talked in the emergency room about life in general. I let her lead most of the discussion. There were a few moments that were just totally, WOW. For example:

• She shows up wearing this shirt, I forgot the exact message. It was something along the lines of, “It’s hypocritical for people to refuse immigration when they are living on stolen land.” The exact language felt very inflammatory to me, it seemed like she was saying, “Go ahead please pick a fight with me.”
• Baby starts getting his blood drawn and the coparent with BPD starts talking about how much blood she had to have drawn when she was pregnant with him and how awful it was. Directing it to the baby getting an IV inserted. The nurse said something along the lines of, “I see you’re starting the maternal guilt already.” I didn’t even notice the manipulative behavior here until the nurse innocently pointed it out. Goes to show you how insidious the emotional abuse is for those with this condition. I am truly afraid for this boy’s emotional wellbeing as he grows up.
•    She talked about how she started not just one, but two road rage incidents on her street recently. It occurred both times when someone passed her driving too fast on a residential street. The baby was in the back seat. The cars stopped in front of her and tried to block the road. I can only imagine what the full story was like on how the people got so pissed.

We were actually very cordial through all of this and managed to not be nasty to each other. I spent the night with the baby once we were moved up to a room. We were unsure if the baby was going to be admitted so we were uncertain how custody was going to play out the next day.

The baby was admitted, and diagnosed as having three viruses infections simultaneously causing sever respiratory illness.  I was leaning towards calling into work, even though, my coparent with BPD’s work schedule is more flexible than mine. This was due to the nastiness I have received in the past when she volunteered to do things and then I got told what a bad, lazy dad I was later. Anyway, my little control freak took the initiative and took Monday off to stay with the baby. She tells me this after she arrives in the hospital. I was reluctantly OK with it because my boss is on the autism spectrum and doesn’t understand family dynamics or deal well with sudden schedule changes. However, I’m sure there will be some backlash about her stepping up for the baby’s care while he was sick I’ll randomly endure in the future.  The thing with it for me is, I think the main reason she takes custody on the days I have him, is because she really misses the baby when he’s not there. I fear she is really starting to vicariously live through him. I think she puts a lot of emotional stock in the baby, and she gets depressed when she doesn’t have his jubilant energy around. When we did the hand off in the hospital room she was very distant towards me. Very different from the night before. I could tell she was stewing about what a bad dad I am. It felt like she was silently saying, “get out of the room you a$$hole.”

I went to work exhausted, very distracted and fairly unproductive. The coparent with BPD sent regular updates on the little one’s status. At first things looked positive that he would be released soon. One text read:

“We’re not leaving today after all something came up on his blood work. Unfortunately they think it’s cross contamination but they can’t let us leave until they confirm. And unfortunately the results don’t come for 24 hours. So it’s probably their error that’s gonna cost us another night here ‍

Haha they may or may not be reconsidering it’s all up in the air. They’re 99.99999% sure it’s a false positive”


After I got out of work I stopped off for takeout sushi and headed straight to the hospital to spend the night with the little one. I could tell she was dysregulated as soon as I got in the door. She was completely exuding attitude. Plus she sent another message about having a lot of anxiety, previously. Anxiety in over any subject is never a good sign for me.
 
I start to ask her something along the lines of, “What was the mistake with the blood work that’s keeping him another day?”

Co-parent with BPD starts interrogating me like I was fly in her spider web. “I never said there was a mistake. What do you think I said?” So I said that there was some sort of mistake in the blood work and they needed to retest and it would be 24 hours before we got the results. I started reading her text back to her. She denied writing it at first.

So I was like, “You know what? It’s not important. What is going on with the baby right now?”

Then she blame shifted it into me not understanding what she wrote. “If you don’t understand something I’m saying just ask.”

At this point I started losing my temper because I understood clearly what the message was saying, and she was insulting my intelligence. I started raising my voice and said, “How am I supposed to do that when I think I understand what you’re saying.” I cut myself off, and said, “I’m not getting into a fight with you in front of our son in his hospital room.”

I walked out of the room, completely angry. Walked down the hall and told a nurse, “I can’t be in the same room with that woman.” The nurse laughed.

Then I went to my car and called my parents. I was so mad, I wanted to just leave the whole situation. That was when more non-sense texts came in about me not understanding, and how she would just be there all night. She was basically saying I was being irresponsible again. My parents said, “This is what she wants. You out of the picture.”

The text kept coming in and I was getting more and more pissed. I didn’t respond directly to any of her accusations or emotion. My responses were all along the line of, “I’ll go back when you leave.” “What time are you leaving?” “Are you packed to leave now?”

At this point she said she was packed to leave and I responded that I would be right up. I go to the front desk at the hospital. The receptionist is like, you were just here, why are you back. I explain my situation and then she was like, “Well if there was an incident I need to find out if you’re allowed back.” She called up to pediatrics and they allowed me back in saying nothing happened. Nothing did happen because my fight or flight reflex picked the correct direction for once.
When I got back to the hospital room, she was changing the baby’s diaper and told me how I needed to communicate better, etc. Then left in a huff. Thank the lord, she’s gone. Baby was crying and miserable, but after a couple of lullabies, I got him to settle down.

I received a few more messages some in ALL CAPS, screaming at me via text. At first I didn’t bother to read them but after a while I did and realized she was actually trying to convey some important information about feeding.
The next day, after I had already gotten more insight into the issues with the tests and what was being tested from the nurses and doctors I received this message from my coparent with BPD:
Ok, well, here is the full version of what I didn’t type out yesterday so you have the details and don’t have to ask the doctor to repeat them.

As I mentioned, his blood work showed signs of staph. The doctor gave three scenarios, we could draw blood and check again, we could give one course of IV antibiotics, or wait and see if any of the symptoms manifest that are associated w staph. He said since the IV wasn’t working well the best option was number 3 (thats what I meant my confirm, see if the symptoms come that match the bug).

It was really hard for me to type because at that time he was incredibly energetic as the doctor will probably tell you today if it’s the same one. He was literally running from one side of the room to the other getting into everything which is why you got the abbreviated version.

So anyway, that’s a material detail because it was on his blood work and he needs to not have staph before discharge (but again, the doctor thought it was a false positive)

She never mentioned anything about staph, in person or in the text. Moreover, this is a fairly different story from what she sent the first time.

I sent text updates on the baby’s health to my coparent with BPD through out the day. I got responses back along the line of I really miss him. I’m worried. Can I see him. I was really reluctant to have her come back because if we’re in the same room I have difficulty managing my reactions. I wish I was better. I just suck at it once the verbal bullets start flying at me. I tend to start spitting them back, despite my best intentions not to.

If you’re familiar with hospital settings, you know that often time the information you receive is quite fluid. As I sent text messages, on the status of things, I would get responses like, “I miss him.” “I really want to see him.” “I’m worried about him.” The baby is mumbling “Momma” every once in a while. Also, I forgot to bring a change of clothes for the baby, so I thought if she comes tomorrow for her scheduled time and he’s not changed, that’s going to suck. So against my better judgement, I told her to come and asked her to try and bring food he loves because he wasn’t really eating.

Meanwhile, the baby’s health was declining. He was lethargic, and his fever kept spiking. After I told my coparent with BPD it was OK to come the baby’s temperature went back up to 103. The doctor decided more X-Rays were needed to make sure things were going in the right direction in the lungs.  So just before my coparent with BPD arrived, the radiology team came in and took some X-Rays. This lead me to need to explain to the coparent with BPD what the current status was. Remember hospital settings are fluid.

I decide to leave the two of them alone and get some dinner. That’s even though I could get a “free” tray of food from the hospital. So I start explaining to coparent with BPD that the baby’s fever spiked again. Coparent says in true combative form, “You didn’t tell me that!” I respond as calmly as I could, “I’m telling you that now. This all just happened. The doctor decided to take some follow up X-Rays.”

Coparent with BPD: “You didn’t tell me that!”
EZEarache: “Listen this all just happened, I’m letting you know what’s going on right now. This all changed since you started driving over here.” This calmed her down, but wasn’t she just sending me nastygrams about me having to communicate better. I’m really trying to communicate the best I can.

I left for dinner. She was feeling like a hero for giving me relief, that I didn’t really want or need. I’m also reluctant to return the favor, because I have other obligations tonight, and anytime we’re near each other we both tend to get triggered.

I got back from dinner last night and calmed the baby down after mommy left. A few minutes later he got a shiny new IV inserted into his little hand. This morning he seemed better. A little more vocal and mobile, although tethered to the drip IV.

I told my coparent with BPD last night that I was unavailable for assistance tonight. However, I started feeling guilty about it and told her this morning, if she really needed a break or for me to pick something up and bring it over I would cancel my plans and do so. She told me with a whole of sarcastic attitude that there was no need to cancel my plans, that she had taken care of everything.

The baby is doing somewhat better now. They took him off the oxygen monitor today. He hasn’t had a fever spike since about midnight last night. That means it is likely he will be able to go home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy and hope he is OK. I wish mommy and daddy could be together in the same room with him while he’s sick. We just can’t This all sucks so bad on so many levels. To top it off, today is his two year birthday. He’s in the hospital. The nurses all bought him presents. They were so kind to us. One even complimented me on being a great dad. I said, “sometimes I’m not sure.” I certainly feel guilty for not giving the boy bed rest the weekend before he went into the hospital. The nurse assured me, “We see a lot of really terrible dads in here.”

I know it’s impossible. I just wish we could be a real family. Maybe she’ll get help before I have moved on and found a new life partner. I don’t know which of those prospects is more unlikely right now. I can say I am starting to get lonely and miss adult companionship. Thanks for reading to the end. Hopefully these words give you solace and insight into your own situation with a difficult coparent.

[EZEarache]

I don’t really know what I’m expecting posting this here. I’m mostly journaling this experience out for myself so I can process it and keep it documented for future dysregulations where this incident is brought up and used against me. It’s a long one, but if you’ve got the time I hope the words have some meaning to you. Also, if you see direct ways I could have improved in my interaction with my coparent in the future, I’m all ears. 

My two year old son had a 105 degree fever on Sunday and I was his custodian. With total dread/fear I rushed him through Sunday drivers to the best local hospital in my area. It’s about a half hour away and every time he stopped coughing I wanted to pull the car over to make sure he was still alive. This scenario is a nightmare for any parent. However, when you have a coparent with diagnosed BPD it’s even worse.

In the past, she’s blame shifted me by saying I didn’t do enough as a parent after she does care giving outside of our agreed caregiving schedule. Within the past month there was an episode where I wanted to get her opinion about a head injury at day care, and she managed to turn it into me shirking my responsibility. Then she brought up all of this Covid lockdown stuff with me not doing enough. How, I should just take the initiative on things and tell her about it later. However, her exact phrasing was much more nasty and abusive. Because of this my instinct was just not to tell her I was going to the emergency room. I called my parents on the way, and they said I should tell her anyway. So I did. Left to my own devices, she wouldn’t have found out until last night when we had to discuss drop off and pick up schedule, LOL.

We did surprisingly well the first day. Things seemed almost normal as we talked in the emergency room about life in general. I let her lead most of the discussion. There were a few moments that were just totally, WOW. For example:

• She shows up wearing this shirt, I forgot the exact message. It was something along the lines of, “It’s hypocritical for people to refuse immigration when they are living on stolen land.” The exact language felt very inflammatory to me, it seemed like she was saying, “Go ahead please pick a fight with me.”
• Baby starts getting his blood drawn and the coparent with BPD starts talking about how much blood she had to have drawn when she was pregnant with him and how awful it was. Directing it to the baby getting an IV inserted. The nurse said something along the lines of, “I see you’re starting the maternal guilt already.” I didn’t even notice the manipulative behavior here until the nurse innocently pointed it out. Goes to show you how insidious the emotional abuse is for those with this condition. I am truly afraid for this boy’s emotional wellbeing as he grows up.
•    She talked about how she started not just one, but two road rage incidents on her street recently. It occurred both times when someone passed her driving too fast on a residential street. The baby was in the back seat. The cars stopped in front of her and tried to block the road. I can only imagine what the full story was like on how the people got so pissed.

We were actually very cordial through all of this and managed to not be nasty to each other. I spent the night with the baby once we were moved up to a room. We were unsure if the baby was going to be admitted so we were uncertain how custody was going to play out the next day.

The baby was admitted, and diagnosed as having three viruses infections simultaneously causing sever respiratory illness.  I was leaning towards calling into work, even though, my coparent with BPD’s work schedule is more flexible than mine. This was due to the nastiness I have received in the past when she volunteered to do things and then I got told what a bad, lazy dad I was later. Anyway, my little control freak took the initiative and took Monday off to stay with the baby. She tells me this after she arrives in the hospital. I was reluctantly OK with it because my boss is on the autism spectrum and doesn’t understand family dynamics or deal well with sudden schedule changes. However, I’m sure there will be some backlash about her stepping up for the baby’s care while he was sick I’ll randomly endure in the future.  The thing with it for me is, I think the main reason she takes custody on the days I have him, is because she really misses the baby when he’s not there. I fear she is really starting to vicariously live through him. I think she puts a lot of emotional stock in the baby, and she gets depressed when she doesn’t have his jubilant energy around. When we did the hand off in the hospital room she was very distant towards me. Very different from the night before. I could tell she was stewing about what a bad dad I am. It felt like she was silently saying, “get out of the room you a$$hole.”

I went to work exhausted, very distracted and fairly unproductive. The coparent with BPD sent regular updates on the little one’s status. At first things looked positive that he would be released soon. One text read:

“We’re not leaving today after all something came up on his blood work. Unfortunately they think it’s cross contamination but they can’t let us leave until they confirm. And unfortunately the results don’t come for 24 hours. So it’s probably their error that’s gonna cost us another night here ‍

Haha they may or may not be reconsidering it’s all up in the air. They’re 99.99999% sure it’s a false positive”


After I got out of work I stopped off for takeout sushi and headed straight to the hospital to spend the night with the little one. I could tell she was dysregulated as soon as I got in the door. She was completely exuding attitude. Plus she sent another message about having a lot of anxiety, previously. Anxiety in over any subject is never a good sign for me.
 
I start to ask her something along the lines of, “What was the mistake with the blood work that’s keeping him another day?”

Co-parent with BPD starts interrogating me like I was fly in her spider web. “I never said there was a mistake. What do you think I said?” So I said that there was some sort of mistake in the blood work and they needed to retest and it would be 24 hours before we got the results. I started reading her text back to her. She denied writing it at first.

So I was like, “You know what? It’s not important. What is going on with the baby right now?”

Then she blame shifted it into me not understanding what she wrote. “If you don’t understand something I’m saying just ask.”

At this point I started losing my temper because I understood clearly what the message was saying, and she was insulting my intelligence. I started raising my voice and said, “How am I supposed to do that when I think I understand what you’re saying.” I cut myself off, and said, “I’m not getting into a fight with you in front of our son in his hospital room.”

I walked out of the room, completely angry. Walked down the hall and told a nurse, “I can’t be in the same room with that woman.” The nurse laughed.

Then I went to my car and called my parents. I was so mad, I wanted to just leave the whole situation. That was when more non-sense texts came in about me not understanding, and how she would just be there all night. She was basically saying I was being irresponsible again. My parents said, “This is what she wants. You out of the picture.”

The text kept coming in and I was getting more and more pissed. I didn’t respond directly to any of her accusations or emotion. My responses were all along the line of, “I’ll go back when you leave.” “What time are you leaving?” “Are you packed to leave now?”

At this point she said she was packed to leave and I responded that I would be right up. I go to the front desk at the hospital. The receptionist is like, you were just here, why are you back. I explain my situation and then she was like, “Well if there was an incident I need to find out if you’re allowed back.” She called up to pediatrics and they allowed me back in saying nothing happened. Nothing did happen because my fight or flight reflex picked the correct direction for once.
When I got back to the hospital room, she was changing the baby’s diaper and told me how I needed to communicate better, etc. Then left in a huff. Thank the lord, she’s gone. Baby was crying and miserable, but after a couple of lullabies, I got him to settle down.

I received a few more messages some in ALL CAPS, screaming at me via text. At first I didn’t bother to read them but after a while I did and realized she was actually trying to convey some important information about feeding.
The next day, after I had already gotten more insight into the issues with the tests and what was being tested from the nurses and doctors I received this message from my coparent with BPD:
Ok, well, here is the full version of what I didn’t type out yesterday so you have the details and don’t have to ask the doctor to repeat them.

As I mentioned, his blood work showed signs of staph. The doctor gave three scenarios, we could draw blood and check again, we could give one course of IV antibiotics, or wait and see if any of the symptoms manifest that are associated w staph. He said since the IV wasn’t working well the best option was number 3 (thats what I meant my confirm, see if the symptoms come that match the bug).

It was really hard for me to type because at that time he was incredibly energetic as the doctor will probably tell you today if it’s the same one. He was literally running from one side of the room to the other getting into everything which is why you got the abbreviated version.

So anyway, that’s a material detail because it was on his blood work and he needs to not have staph before discharge (but again, the doctor thought it was a false positive)

She never mentioned anything about staph, in person or in the text. Moreover, this is a fairly different story from what she sent the first time.

I sent text updates on the baby’s health to my coparent with BPD through out the day. I got responses back along the line of I really miss him. I’m worried. Can I see him. I was really reluctant to have her come back because if we’re in the same room I have difficulty managing my reactions. I wish I was better. I just suck at it once the verbal bullets start flying at me. I tend to start spitting them back, despite my best intentions not to.

If you’re familiar with hospital settings, you know that often time the information you receive is quite fluid. As I sent text messages, on the status of things, I would get responses like, “I miss him.” “I really want to see him.” “I’m worried about him.” The baby is mumbling “Momma” every once in a while. Also, I forgot to bring a change of clothes for the baby, so I thought if she comes tomorrow for her scheduled time and he’s not changed, that’s going to suck. So against my better judgement, I told her to come and asked her to try and bring food he loves because he wasn’t really eating.

Meanwhile, the baby’s health was declining. He was lethargic, and his fever kept spiking. After I told my coparent with BPD it was OK to come the baby’s temperature went back up to 103. The doctor decided more X-Rays were needed to make sure things were going in the right direction in the lungs.  So just before my coparent with BPD arrived, the radiology team came in and took some X-Rays. This lead me to need to explain to the coparent with BPD what the current status was. Remember hospital settings are fluid.

I decide to leave the two of them alone and get some dinner. That’s even though I could get a “free” tray of food from the hospital. So I start explaining to coparent with BPD that the baby’s fever spiked again. Coparent says in true combative form, “You didn’t tell me that!” I respond as calmly as I could, “I’m telling you that now. This all just happened. The doctor decided to take some follow up X-Rays.”

Coparent with BPD: “You didn’t tell me that!”
EZEarache: “Listen this all just happened, I’m letting you know what’s going on right now. This all changed since you started driving over here.” This calmed her down, but wasn’t she just sending me nastygrams about me having to communicate better. I’m really trying to communicate the best I can.

I left for dinner. She was feeling like a hero for giving me relief, that I didn’t really want or need. I’m also reluctant to return the favor, because I have other obligations tonight, and anytime we’re near each other we both tend to get triggered.

I got back from dinner last night and calmed the baby down after mommy left. A few minutes later he got a shiny new IV inserted into his little hand. This morning he seemed better. A little more vocal and mobile, although tethered to the drip IV.

I told my coparent with BPD last night that I was unavailable for assistance tonight. However, I started feeling guilty about it and told her this morning, if she really needed a break or for me to pick something up and bring it over I would cancel my plans and do so. She told me with a whole of sarcastic attitude that there was no need to cancel my plans, that she had taken care of everything.

The baby is doing somewhat better now. They took him off the oxygen monitor today. He hasn’t had a fever spike since about midnight last night. That means it is likely he will be able to go home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy and hope he is OK. I wish mommy and daddy could be together in the same room with him while he’s sick. We just can’t This all sucks so bad on so many levels. To top it off, today is his two year birthday. He’s in the hospital. The nurses all bought him presents. They were so kind to us. One even complimented me on being a great dad. I said, “sometimes I’m not sure.” I certainly feel guilty for not giving the boy bed rest the weekend before he went into the hospital. The nurse assured me, “We see a lot of really terrible dads in here.”

I know it’s impossible. I just wish we could be a real family. Maybe she’ll get help before I have moved on and found a new life partner. I don’t know which of those prospects is more unlikely right now. I can say I am starting to get lonely and miss adult companionship. Thanks for reading to the end. Hopefully these words give you solace and insight into your own situation with a difficult coparent.

[kells76]

So much going on. Glad you could get it on paper here -- that's important.

I hear you doing the best you can in the moment under really, really stressful circumstances.

You did good to spend the night with your kiddo at the hospital 

Trading which parent is there is pretty normal, so it was normal for you to sometimes be there and her to sometimes be there. That's what a good dad does; the nurses were right.

I also hear you focusing on what is going on with your baby and noticing how he's doing day by day. Again, 

Lots to unpack, of course, so even though I can't write much, I just wanted you to know I read it all and I see you working hard to figure out this whole coparenting deal in the healthiest way you can. I think I remember that most of the time it is okay-ish for you, yet in this new circumstance it was really difficult, so you had a lot of decision points (do I stay, do I leave, do I get dinner, is it better for me to X or Y, etc) with no "instruction manual". These "no instruction manual" moments or days are the hardest.

I hope that now that your kiddo is more stable, you find time for you to finally exhale and let your system relax.

Sorry I have to cut it short. Really glad to hear back from you;

kells76

[EZEarache]

Lots to unpack, of course, so even though I can't write much, I just wanted you to know I read it all and I see you working hard to figure out this whole coparenting deal in the healthiest way you can. I think I remember that most of the time it is okay-ish for you, yet in this new circumstance it was really difficult, so you had a lot of decision points (do I stay, do I leave, do I get dinner, is it better for me to X or Y, etc) with no "instruction manual". These "no instruction manual" moments or days are the hardest.

Things have been Okay-ish mostly because we do our hand-offs through daycare now, and we have very little physical interaction. The times we are together there is a 33% probability of major fireworks.

You've nailed it though. No instruction manual. It's like a never ending chess game where my queen turned out to actually be a double agent for the opponent. I have to think three moves ahead, and remember what happened three moves behind at all times.

Tonight, I am going into a rehearsal for an upcoming gig and I'll have some time to decompress.

[kells76]

Things have been Okay-ish mostly because we do our hand-offs through daycare now, and we have very little physical interaction. The times we are together there is a 33% probability of major fireworks.

That's relatable. The longer any of us 4 parents/stepparents are together, the higher the chance of conflict. Sad but true. The less we do in person pick ups/drop offs, the better. It'll change with school getting out, but yeah, I don't look forward to more interaction. I think you did good to get hand offs at daycare. It'll be better for your son to see LESS conflict between you guys, even if it means he sees you "in the same room together" less.

I have to think three moves ahead, and remember what happened three moves behind at all times.

It is exhausting that we all can't just "do something normal" like go on a planned trip with the kids, or have the focus be 100% on the kids in the ER or hospital... it's all a referendum on "how good/amazing is the disordered parent, and how bad are you". I can't imagine what normal parenting is like -- sigh, must be a dream 

Tonight, I am going into a rehearsal for an upcoming gig and I'll have some time to decompress.

Awesome. What instrument do you play?

[EZEarache]

That's relatable. The longer any of us 4 parents/stepparents are together, the higher the chance of conflict. Sad but true. The less we do in person pick ups/drop offs, the better. It'll change with school getting out, but yeah, I don't look forward to more interaction. I think you did good to get hand offs at daycare. It'll be better for your son to see LESS conflict between you guys, even if it means he sees you "in the same room together" less.

It is exhausting that we all can't just "do something normal" like go on a planned trip with the kids, or have the focus be 100% on the kids in the ER or hospital... it's all a referendum on "how good/amazing is the disordered parent, and how bad are you". I can't imagine what normal parenting is like -- sigh, must be a dream 

Awesome. What instrument do you play?

I'm a multi-instrumentalist. This one I'm playing Fiddle at an Irish Festival. Jigs, Reels and 20th century folk tunes.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Just wanted to say I read your post and I can relate.

6 month old baby - two ER trips so far. First was when he was 1 month old with a fever and fussy so mom made a pediatrician appointment and we agreed that I would take him because mom had a nasty cough/cold (already tested negative for covid).

Went to pediatrician. Pediatrician said he needed bloodwork and they could do it in the office but it would take 24 hours to get results, or we could go to the ER in the same building and it would be faster. We went to the ER (again, same building) and I tried to hide the fact that we were actually in the ER. Baby was sleeping calmly and I told his mom we were doing bloodwork - gave her every update except "ER". After we'd been there several hours, she insisted on being there - "he needs me" - he did not need her at that moment. So she shows up to our room coughing and drunk - she'd been drinking at home while we were gone. Starts yelling at me in the room about not telling her we're in the ER. Then starts yelling at staff for being too slow. Then starts telling me to get out - "I will have you removed - get out - I'm his mother and I get to choose who is here with him". Then starts saying she's going to take him home because they are moving too slowly. Just so much drama in a tornado, after we'd been there for 3 hours calm, cool, and collected. Soon the doctor came in and said baby had tested positive for covid so they were going to send us home with Tylenol and quarantine and monitor for symptoms. So here's drunk mom who clearly has covid symptoms and shouldn't be in the ER - she agreed that I should drive him home at least, because she'd been drinking. I also got symptoms several days later but tested negative - maybe because we'd both been vaccinated. Baby recovered quickly.

Second ER trip was last week. We no longer live together. Baby woke up gasping for air - I checked to make sure he wasn't choking - it was more like an allergic reaction - scary. Just loud "seal coughs" and gasps. I called 911 because I didn't know if I had time to drive him or not - paramedics checked oxygen level - good - and baby calmed down a little while they were there and stopped gasping. They said I should go to the ER but ambulance wasn't necessary. I spent the night in the ER waiting room - finally got a nebulizer and steroid shot - diagnosed with croup. Not admitted to the hospital, so I never actually told mom that we went. I would have told her if he'd been admitted. It's sad - I WISH I could share these moments with her - but so much easier this way.

Keep putting in the hard work - hang in there.

[kells76]

I never actually told mom that we went. I would have told her if he'd been admitted. It's sad - I WISH I could share these moments with her - but so much easier this way.

This reminds me of something that happened back when SD14 was maybe 8 or 9. Our brother in law's younger brother (YB) has Downs syndrome and was in his mid-20s at the time. SD was really into dance at the time, and went to an "all abilities" dance class for people with and without disabilities, that YB was also in. It probably felt special to him that somebody he knew was there -- like his "guest of honor". He wrote a letter and gave it to DH and I think it said something about how SD was "his best friend" and he wanted to marry her. (He has been really into "who is getting married" and "lists of baby names" as all his siblings are married with kids).

It was one of those situations where while it made sense given YB's Downs syndrome and interests, it was still concerning enough that we knew we needed to not encourage his perspective or attitude towards SD -- it would not have been appropriate. DH considered telling Mom about it and I had to tell him not to. She would 110% have turned it into "well you can't keep SD safe, I'm the only one who can keep SD safe, I need to be in the loop and managing everything, you don't know what to do but I am SO sensitive and in tune with SD that I must take the lead, I'm the expert on safety" blah blah blah. She would absolutely have tried to use the situation as a way to shake SD's trust in DH and decrease the time the kids spent with us.

DH ended up talking to YB's parents and they addressed the situation with him. He wrote an apology letter about how he is dealing with Downs syndrome and is working on better boundaries (he is pretty self aware) and it's been smooth sailing since then.

I get what you guys are saying, though. It's sad that the disordered parent would take these moments where it'd be so, so valuable to the kids to see their two parents working together calmly for them... and turn them into that referendum on "who is the better parent". So you're left with the choice to not communicate what's going on, because that's what's better for the kids.

[Couper]

I WISH I could share these moments with her - but so much easier this way.

That's the most irritating part for me and I suspect several others here would say the same.  Everything is adversarial.  I say that, "I thought I was getting a partner and instead I got a parasite".  It's a very lonely place to be.

[EZEarache]

So here's an update on this one for anyone interested.

First the baby is in much better condition. Co-parent with BPD has custody today and is completely convinced he's ready to go home.

Let's flash back to yesterday, though. Baby was on the mend. I have nothing but nice things to say about the staff at the hospital. They have been very kind and seemed to do everything possible to make our stay more comfortable. For example, yesterday was the baby's second birthday. They brought in new toys in boxes first thing in the morning for him as a birthday gift. One of the nurses baked him a cake. I'm going out on a limb and guessing that candles were not involved since we're turning on and off oxygen all day, LOL. Moreover, The entire floor staff came in and sang happy birthday. Of course, I couldn't be there for the party due to work and the fact that it's better if I'm not in the same room with the co-parent w/BPD. Regardless, just so amazing the kind things the hospital staff have been doing. When co-parent with BPD came to the room to take over yesterday she started crying when she saw the gifts and I explained what was going on.

Flash forward to today. First thing this morning I start getting texts about how she just gave the nurses attitude about it being time to check out and she wanted to see the doctor. It's been one text after another where she's accusing them of milking her insurance plan. I've been trying to validate, because I've been in the hospital a few times ill myself, and that last morning before check out feels like an eternity. However, in the back of my head I'm like these people are saints.

Finally I validate, saying the last morning before checkout always feels like an eternity. Then I say, Maybe it will be easier if you remind yourself how nice it was that they put that party together for the baby. If they're overly cautions and won't release, I'd be happy to come over tonight to give you a break.

I already told her I'd spend the whole night with him this morning after she lamented that she only got two hours of sleep.  Response I get, "I don't need platitudes but thanks. I fully comprehend they can be both good people who also provide PLEASE READty service at times."

As my son gets older, I am definitely seeing the similarities between the BPD condition and a toddler. Once the toddler gets it in their head they want something, it can be very difficult to distract them. This interaction is a case in point.

While I was writing this update I received news that he is getting released, and they just need to complete the paper work. Just like I told her the releases usually happen in the afternoon.

Since I wasn't there I really have no idea how nasty she was to people. I'm a little worried that if she made too big of scene we might not get the same service if the baby needs to go back sometime. I'm planning to deliver the pediatric staff a food basket to show them that only one parent is unappreciative. I know it's me covering up for the person with BPD again, but it's in the baby's best interest.