Making excuses

[normal person]

Hi, I am just wondering how many of your dear BPD children are making similar excuses.
My BPD daughter has shifted from blaming me to blaming other mental disorders. She has managed to assure and get the following diagnoses - PTSD, complex PTSD, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, BPD...maybe something else, but the list is long.
Currently she is pretending to be autistic and "milking" the system for extra disability support $$s.
I also find it weird, these so called experts can't see through though. I think she has had 20 different psychologists and psychiatrists analysing her, while she rates them from 1-10 and picks and chooses best mental disability that suits.
Same issue anyone else?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi normal person
I think nearly everyone at BPD family knows what you mean by the 'blaming'. It is particularly difficult to take when you are the target. I wish my dd would 'blame' her illness - she has little insight into her serious mental illness, except perhaps the anger that he deals with - she sometimes acknowledges this as part of her condition.

It took me many years to understand that blaming was part of bpd. It always presents as so illogical, so confected. I think most of those who diagnose BPD would be looking for this blaming mentality as part of the condition.

I am not sure what other signs/symptoms your dd has in relation to BPD. In my case it is just one (the most annoying one? umm probably the anger is harder to deal with) of the many symptoms that I can see myself as part of this awful illness.

I haven't really come across an explanation for the blaming - at least one that makes sense to me. But in my case I can see that dd has such a diminished sense of self - if she has one at all - and it is too painful to deal with unless she lays the blame on someone/something.

I have held on to the few things dd has said over the years that give me an insight into how she feels herself. One time when she was in her teens I said 'Do you feel bad when you don't get attention?' I will always remember her reply 'I feel like I want to die'.

Another time out of the blue she said 'people think they know me but they don't understand that I need to do the things I do just to survive.

These little things have helped me understand that what we see  - in this case the blaming we are talking about - is due to a severe mental illness.

The blaming and attention seeking are just some of the reasons why BPD sufferers have attracted little sympathy among health professionals historically. It is only recently that we are gaining in understanding of the complexity of the illness.

Sometimes the issue of someone with BPD taking responsibility etc comes up on this site. If the person can come to that point that is great.

I know every situation is different, every person different. Coming to this site helped me join the dots and understand that things that were annoying, frustrating and frightening about my dd were things others were talking about here. I came to realise it was all part of bpd.

In my small community my dd is talked about in terrible ways. They even gossip that she doesn't have a mental health issue, she is a bad mother (that's the worst in their minds) and she is a 'waste of space'.

I feel like I would like to say to them 'Just walk a day in her shoes . . . . . '

[normal person]

Thank you for such an in depth reply.

My daughter has quiet BPD, all anger being internalised, so we never had massive screaming matches.

My daughter has many BPD symptoms, pretty textbook, but she doesn't like the BPD diagnosis, so as you say blames everyone, everything  just to survive, just to make herself feel better

[wendydarling]

  That's our challenge normal person, Sancho to walk in their shoes to understand, is why I spent many years here. It is complex isn't it. Our self care is key as you say.

BPD as we know is on a wide spectrum-often co-morbid. It helps me to occasionally lift my head from the detail and revisit this head article and then press the BPD option at the end for more info. https://bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder

Blame, anger. Some people blame their situation on others, many other people like my DD do not. As Sancho says it takes time to identify the underlying reasons for behaviour and how we can effectively respond, rather than react.

Normal person - my DD (diagnosed at 26yr in 2015) investigated every possible condition. Exhausting isn't it. Patience is our second name   However, this was part of her journey to remission, she left no stone unturned to understand her challenges and learn the skills and tools. And I wonder if that's what your DD is doing, she sounds motivated to do so which is key.

Small steps and hope.

WDx