Boundary Issues

[HopeInTheMorning]

Hello, I’ve been married nearly 20 years to a beautiful, talented, and charming woman. We’ve had a tons of ups & downs. Sadly, she has a long history of being abused by her parents. She has been through years of individual counseling, & we also went through marriage counseling off-and-on. One of our early counselors said she believed my wife has BPD. Unfortunately, I didn’t really begin studying BPD until recently, when a mutual friend of ours said she believes my wife has it, as well. Sure enough, my wife fits most of the criteria.

I’m reaching out because I’m realizing her BPD is having a negative affect on my relationships. Over the years, she has always worked overtime to have a close relationship with my Mom. I always thought they were close, but in the last couple of years, my wife has said she has been so hurt by my Mom, that she claims she “can’t do it anymore.” I will be the first to admit my Mom is not perfect & deals with her own mental health & marital problems, as well.

Recently, my mom did one of the things that crosses her boundaries - she shared some of our big personal news with her mom (my mother-in-law). I have asked my mom several times not to do this, but she has trouble not blabbing to others. My parents are also friends with my in-laws, which presents its own challenges.

My family is far from perfect & can be extremely annoying. However, my wife cannot stand my family anymore. (She used to love spending time & vacations with them.) Because of all the real or perceived pain she has endured by my family, my wife basically wants to cut ties with them, except when she is forced to see them at family gatherings, funerals, etc. In addition, she wants me to cut ties with them until my mom can learn to treat her with respect & to respect our boundaries.

Now, I felt this was a bit harsh, as I wanted to simply call out my mom’s behavior and remind her not to be sharing our news with my in-laws before we’ve had a chance to share it. I don’t think cutting them off is the answer, as I believe in open & honest communication & in attempting to maintain good relationships with family. However, my wife is insistent that I should not speak with them until my mom can love & respect her. As is typical, my wife can’t see all the good things my parents have done for us. Whenever I point those out, I’m accused of taking my Mom’s side and being a “Mama’s Boy.”  The irony in all of this is that she has always been too afraid to completely cut her own mom off, when she was the abusive one growing up.

To boil it down to a couple of questions:
 How do I balance caring for her boundaries/standing up for her to my family while maintaining my own boundaries/relationships?
Is it helpful to tell my mom or other family members about my spouse’s BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

If your family are not good at keeping things confidential, dont come right out with your wife having BPD, as it is likely your wife will go ballistic if she finds out you have labelled her thus to your family.

If your wife wants to have nothing to do with your family that is her choice. That does not mean you have to also. Obviously she will claim you are not being supportive, but ultimately thats her problem not yours.

People with BPD are very black and white, they can suck up to someone in an  almost over the top attempt to impress them, and be approved by them. When this hits a hurdle they overcompensate by rejecting them totally and painting them like the devil. You have to make sure you are not bullied into being dragged into this cycle. Nor should you get stuck in the middle in a futile attempt to play peace keeper. They are both adults and can sort their own relationships out.

If they start to trash talking each other then make it your boundary to disengage and walk away, getting dragged in will trigger you and it wont end well.

[orders4946]

If your wife wants to have nothing to do with your family that is her choice. That does not mean you have to also. Obviously she will claim you are not being supportive, but ultimately thats her problem not yours.

I am interested in this comment.  Thank you for making it.

Do you have any advice for a situation where this black/white thinking extends to their kids?  For example if the BPD sufferer accepts their spouse having a relationship with their family of origin but limits/refuses their children to have a relationship with them?

[Husband2014]

This exact thing happened to me except it was with my sister.  My wife spent 2-3 years doing the same crap to me and I handled it all the wrong ways.  Ultimately I stopped going back and forth with her. She would say I’ll divorce you if I talk to her and called her all kinds of names. I finally called her bluff and she slowly came around. Bottom line - you have to admit your parents were wrong and Have the conversations with them that’s fair. However going to her extreme cases and cutting them you absolutely have to stand your ground.

In my case I trust my family a lot and told them my wife has BPD and how to handle her and that 1) really helped me relax and 2) helped me put some boundaries with her (albeit not great).

Best of luck but remember they are extremely weak inside

[orders4946]

I got to the same point as you Husband2014.

I came out of the FOG and decided my wife was completely unreasonable to make me cut myself off from my mother and brother.  I was prepared to walk away from her and now she accepts my relationship with them.

The difficulty I'm facing now is that mentally I checked out in order to have the courage to maintain this boundary.  It is now really difficult to re-engage with my Wife having come so close to walking away.  She is now however exerting this control with my Kids and makes it very difficult for me to facilitate a relationship with my family (limiting their contact to once every 2 months or so, always at our house, on her terms etc) even though my Kids regularly see her family 3-4 times a week.  It is frustrating.

[waverider]

The difficulty I'm facing now is that mentally I checked out in order to have the courage to maintain this boundary.  It is now really difficult to re-engage with my Wife having come so close to walking away.  She is now however exerting this control with my Kids and makes it very difficult for me to facilitate a relationship with my family (limiting their contact to once every 2 months or so, always at our house, on her terms etc) even though my Kids regularly see her family 3-4 times a week.  It is frustrating.

What do your kids want?

Why does your wife have more control over were your go kids than you do? Other than your fear of your wifes reaction. If so that is what you have to work on.

[Couscous]

You could explain that not talking to your mother in order to “teach her a lesson” is not a boundary, but rather, emotional blackmail, and as such you have no desire to resolve the situation in that manner.

A boundary would be no longer telling your mother anything that you do not wish other people to know about.

[waverider]

You could explain that not talking to your mother in order to “teach her a lesson” is not a boundary, but rather, emotional blackmail, and as such you have no desire to resolve the situation in that manner.

This is an important point, boundaries are not about teaching anybody anything, or an attempt to change their behaviour. That opens you up to failure by being reliant someone else's non compliance.  Boundaries are about doing things that are totally in your control to prevent a situation that is harmful to your well being, in the moment. Neither is there "unless you do this. I will do that" ie no implied threat or trade off.