Last night he cried

[B2]

I told my husband on Friday last week that I wanted a divorce.  He was really calm and understanding about it, which is not what I expected.  I realized later that he probably didn’t believe me.  I’ve threatened twice in the past and backed down.  He asked that we wait until Tuesday (yesterday) to talk to the kids about it and I agreed.  I stressed for most of Tuesday and finally got up the nerve to ask him when he wanted to have the talk with the girls.  He initially said it was all up to me.  Then a few hours later he said he needed more time. 

I think it hit him last night that I was serious this time.  He lashed out a few times, but nothing major.  Asked if I was cheating on him…no.  Asked if I had a team of lawyers standing by…no. 

I went to bed last night and he came in about an hour later and started crying.  He didn’t say anything, so neither did I.  Honestly, I didn’t know what to say.  I wanted to comfort him.  Tell him it will be ok.  That we can work it out, but I stopped myself.  I think doing nothing was the best thing for me, but it was so hard and I feel terrible today.  I know I have the right to a peaceful and happy home.  And that at some point, I have to do what’s best for me and not what’s best for him.  I guess I was prepared for the anger since that’s what I’ve had in the past, but not for the crying.  He’s falling into depression and its in my nature to try and help him.  It’s what I’ve always done.  “His rock”. 

[15years]

I also think doing nothing was the best you could do. He has had lots of chances to appreciate your kindness in the past I bet. But he has a right to be sad. And you have a right to be happy. He could use the sadness to manipulate you even if he really is sad.

Are you going to wait for him to be ready? I don't think he will cooperate with you on this.

[B2]

No, I’m not going to wait.  I know he is already stalling, probably hoping I won’t follow through.  This has happened in the past, so that’s fair. 

I pulled up how to file for divorce in my state and contacted a lawyer today.  I’ve been a wreck all day, but I’m at the end of what I’m willing to put up with.  Knowing it will hurt him is really hard. 

[ForeverDad]

Stalling may be the least problematic thing he could do.  He might stop paying bills that he was paying until now.  He might clean out any joint bank accounts.  He might make huge purchases on credit hoping you'll end up after the divorce saddled with half of his debts.  Or, beyond the financial, he may make allegations or other efforts to sabotage your intentions.

Be aware.  Beware.  Better to be prepared overmuch than unprepared and sabotaged.

[B2]

4-5 months ago I threatened divorce and then backed down. 

He has for years convinced himself that our youngest was sexually abused when she was 2 1/2.  (She’s now 11). He thinks my mom has knowledge of this and that she never came forward.  I don’t believe that this happened.  I’ve asked my mom about it and she had no idea what I was talking about.  We have had this same conversation so many times.  When I threatened divorce last time he said he was going to take her to a sexual abuse clinic and if they said she had been abused, he was going to take her and move back overseas.  At the time I was I didn’t bite back, but its all I can think about now.  It wouldn’t surprise me if this came up again when I push with the divorce papers. 

How am I supposed to protect myself against this?  I’ve never been able to convince him that it never happened. 

[GaGrl]

Rather than protect yourself against his belief, rather protect against his threats...

1) Tell your lawyer that he has threatened to take your D11 overseas -- your divorce petition should require that her passport be held in escrow.

2) Does your D11 have a current passport, and where is it?

3) If you haven't already done so, get all important documents (birth certificates, financial and insurance papers, etc.) off site to a safe place.

[B2]

Thank you.  It’s so obvious to just take her passport away, I don’t know why I didn’t just do that.  I wouldn’t put it past him to just take her.  He would feel justified in his actions… that he was protecting her. 

[ForeverDad]

GaGrl's suggestion to get the initial temp order reflecting this concern is wise, and probably too to set limits on travel, certainly no international destinations.

Regarding passports... could your child be eligible for multiple passports, including his country?

Even if you secured the child's passport, what if he filed for a new one claiming the old passport was lost?  I think the State Dept (if in USA) has an option on the website to register to be notified for a child's passport application.

My uBPDex never did accuse me of DV, well, not until years later, surely because she was the one who faced prosecution for Threat of DV.  But despite her years of religious background, she constantly made allegations ("my son told me...") against me claiming child abuse.  We were divorced over a dozen years ago, eventually I became Legal Guardian and had majority time, he aged out of the system and is now an adult, son lives with me, but as recently as this week she ranted to our son that I'm an "evil" man.

Like my case, probably your spouse won't claim DV but him claiming child abuse is a real possibility since he already has that perception in is head.  He has no proof, of course, but likely that won't stop vague claims.

[B2]

Yes, to the passport question.  She has dual citizenship.  I would like to think he wouldn’t stoop that low, but I don’t want to just bury my head in the sand and hope for the best either. 

Ever since I told him I want a divorce, he’s been super nice.  Even started making the bed.  Unfortunately, it just has me on edge, waiting for the axe to fall.  It never lasts.  I started filling out the paperwork to get the divorce going forward.  I’m guessing after he sees it, things will take a significant turn for the worse.