Exhausted ups and downs

[Delliam]

Hi I’m new and first time posting. My son who is 24 and in graduate school has BPD. I feel blessed he has gone to therapy for years and takes meds but still can’t seem to settle. We are all exhausted! He is not mean or cruel but has deep lows that scare me and then highs that I enjoy most but not always reality. I am also living with mother under hospice care and going through ups and downs as well. So…hoping this site will help me give myself the self care I need and remind me I can’t save them both. Struggle with guilt and trying to keep everyone happy because when they are happy I’m happy and don’t worry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Delliam
You certainly have a huge amount on your plate at the moment. Just one of the things you have would be enough for anyone to cope with. Journeying with your mum in hospice care is an intense emotional time. Do you have any siblings to share this with, or are you the main support for her?

Do you have regular times that you visit your mum?

I am glad you mention looking after yourself - finding even small things you can do in small amounts of time can really help. Sometimes when I am anxious or stressed I find it hard to concentrate on anything much, but I enjoy just going to a coffee lounge, having a coffee and cake and reading a newspaper. It's a 30 minute time out and I do feel different after.

Has you son been formally diagnosed with bpd? It's just that highs and lows without the anger, blaming etc could be something else. It might be worth another opinion if the meds aren't working etc. I am assuming bipolar has been ruled out for your son?

The other thing I picked up on was the feelings of guilt and trying to help everyone be happy, because when they are happy  . . . .

This is/was me! A while ago now I realised that the reason why I felt like this was that I felt responsible for others and because I was responsible I had to 'fix it'.

It has been a long journey but coming here has made a big difference for me in letting go of this sense of responsibility. One of the big things was the notion of 'validation'. Instead of trying to fix things or offer solutions I started to validate what my dd was going through.

Even in just little ways it helps. For example, if dd explodes because she can't find something I used to jump up and try to find it. Now I say something like 'It's really annoying when you can't find something. I hate it'.

You mum will have real highs and lows on this journey and I think it is important that she can feel down and sad at times. It will be hard for you to see, but your best support is just being there and letting her know that you understand how hard it is.

Your son seems to be doing everything he can to become stable, but it doesn't seem to be working for him. I wonder if a review would be helpful?

I hope you can take those small spaces in life to stop, breathe and re-energise. Your family are fortunate to have your support and love.

[By Still Water]

Hello Delliam,

Our adult son, who also went the graduate school route, suffers from BPD. Do you wonder if his current  meds are adequately effective? Might he need a readjustment of those?