My baby daddy has a daughter with BPD

[BabyMama!]

For this post, I will refer to my partner (father of my child) as X and his BPD teenage daughter as L.
X & I had been together since 2012 or so and for the longest time L lived with her mother and would be with X every alternate weekend until 2020. L hated her father and they really didn’t have a great relationship. In 2019 she was in hospital for an attempted suicide and this broke X. In 2020 she was in hospital again for another attempted suicide at this point she had asked me if she could live with X and I. I had a very good relationship with her and believed that her mother was an awful human being as that’s the picture she and her dad painted for me.

We fetched her from the hospital in May 2020 and she began living with us. X and I had a good relationship, we were recently engaged and were in a very good space in our relationship. Living together was a breeze and we were happy.

After her moving in, we had found out that she was diagnosed BPD. We researched it and tried to understand it. She would have manic episodes and it started becoming unbearable living with her. She use to cut herself all over her hands and legs and let the blood drip out. They were weeks that she wouldn’t bath or clean herself, her room would smell like old blood. She would lash out at her dad often, I would confront her about her cleanliness and she would completely lose it, it would be a downward spiral of suicide attempts or cutting or even staying in her room for days.
My home was tense and we were constantly walking on egg shells. This is where my relationship with X started getting rocky.

In June 2020, I found out that I was 17 weeks pregnant and I was guttered. Prior to her moving in, I really really wanted a baby but since her living there I felt I was bringing a baby into a very hostile environment. Over the months her suicide threats were more frequent, she would complain about schooling so she was moved to a fully virtual school. She was in mental wellness centers 6 weeks at a time and when she would return, she would be ok for a month and it would all begin again.

When I found out I was pregnant, I started distancing myself, I stayed in my room mostly and would let X deal with her bad days as I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with any of it. I tried to be supportive from a distance as when she needed me, she would come and speak to me. X was NOT very  good at speaking to her about what she was going through so he leaned on me a lot.

I was careful around her, I wouldn’t eat any food she prepared as I was paranoid she would try to poison me. This was because in Dec 2019, she baked a jar of brownies for her dad and I and placed it under the Xmas tree with our names on it. Just before Christmas she messaged me to tell me not to eat the brownies she baked as she’s trying to poison her dad. Obviously I had thrown them out when she told me this but my fear for her started developing as I started seeing a harmful side to her. On Christmas Day she asked me if her dad ate the brownies and I told her no, I threw them away, she laughs and states that she was just joking.

We were nervous to tell her that I was pregnant as we knew this would send her on a downward spiral however towards the end of July my belly started showing and we had to tell her. At first she asked us the sex of the baby  and she seemed better because it was a boy. The weeks that followed the suicide attempts began again.
(Let me explain suicide attempts; she would  message us that she drank a bottle of pills or is about to drink bleach or she would tell us that she doesn’t want to live) we were walking on egg shells again and then I found her notes stating my son must die.. she was strategic about me finding the notes. Every time I would return from a scan or a doctors check up, her first words to me would be : Is the baby dead?.

In all this time, her father would make excuses for her behavior blaming it on bpd. I started distancing myself from him as well.
At my baby shower, she had an episode and remained in the car the entire event. She then told her dad that her mom once told her that once him and I had a baby, we will forget all about her. I had written her a letter explaining how much she is loved and no one can take her place.
Our baby was born beginning of Dec 2020, I was the happiest person but I remember being in hospital and having anxiety of going home with my baby but thankfully my mom was also around to help me. The first few days L seemed ok with the baby, after that she would stay completely away and won’t be around the baby at all. She hated when her dad was with the baby and would do anything in her power to gain his attention again. 2 weeks after I brought my son home from the hospital, the suicide attempts began again. This time, she would scream and cry so that her dad would go running to her. Since our baby’s birth, X would spend little to no time with our baby especially if she was around and this broke my heart.
Her dad had an expectation of me leaving our new born baby to attend to her. I realized in those moments that I had lost the love of my life to this. Christmas 2020 he had taken L and left on holiday leaving me to spend Christmas alone with our new born baby and my mom. I had told him that I wanted a happy Christmas and this was his solution. I was devastated as all my fears were slowly becoming a reality. I had cried for days when he left but I pulled myself together.

They returned just before New Year’s Eve, pretending all was ok. In Jan 2021 she was admitted to a mental institution for a 2 month period; at this point X and I weren’t really on good terms in our relationship. She returned from healthcare and a month later, it all began again, this time her school was changed for the 2nd time. We moved into a bigger home as we needed more space but that’s when it was at the worst ever:
In August to September the suicide threats were so bad that she would walk around the house with a rope in her hand to go and hang herself. She made a suicide pact with another friend of hers and that friend succeeded in ending her life that evening. She started telling her dad a bunch of lies about me and start talking Badly of me to her friends mothers as well as her dad. She lied to her dad that I screamed at her saying I want her out of the house and I don’t want her to live with us.
It had gotten so bad that I would sleep with my mom in another room with my baby and lock the room door at night. I couldn’t live like this and I couldn’t bring up my son in this toxic environment so I tried to speak to X about it all and that ended worse that I imagined. He told me that I was bullying her and gunning for her. He even reached out to my extended family to tell them this. In September, when she walked around the house again with the rope, I attempted to pull it away from her but she started screaming at me and told me she hates me and her father told me to leave her alone so I packed my bags and left home  with my baby and my mom. 

I failed to mention that she wrote a suicide letter to her dad and in the letter she started her hatred for my son however her father altered her suicide letter when he showed her therapist and me. Her father removed the statement of her hating our son.

I started court proceedings, I first tried to get a restraining order for my son against her however it was denied as she was mentally ill and would not be able to stand up in court. I then proceeded with childrens court to get a social worker involved to ensure that my son is not in her presence; this is still in the process. After a week of me leaving, X would start telling me that he can’t live without my son and I and he wants his family back, I refused. Eventually in March this year I moved into my own place with my son and my mom, X and I had been going for couples therapy which went terribly wrong as he accused me of targeting his daughter. After a while i  agreed to allow him to move in with me and my son as his daughter was in another city living with other family. He had made me believe this was a permanent situation as she had been in a mental healthcare facility for 3-4 months and was schooling online.
A day ago he Informs me that he has to move into a new place for him and his daughter and he needs to create a stable home for her. For the longest time he convinced me that I was a selfish mother for not trying to do what’s best for our son, stating what’s best for our son is a full family unit. I refuse to allow his daughter to live in my home again and now he paints a picture of me being a awful human being because I am making his choose between his children.

I am not asking him to not live with her, I fear her living anywhere close to my son and I, I have asked him to move to the city she is currently and he then insinuates that I’m selfish and not thinking of my son. At this point I want this man and all his drama out of our lives but I’m at a loss as he is still the father of my child. Oh I failed to mention that my mom moved away from me since he had moved in and a week after she leaves he breaks the news about also needing to move out. Ripping me of my support system. My mom left because he refused to live with her in the same home. My love for him has greatly deteriorated but i have fears of my son developing mental illness due to his dad not being active in his life.

I feel like one of those weak woman for putting up with all of this and still taking this man back but I need advice on the best way forward…

[khibomsis]

Babymama, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. At least you have us. I know this is not going to sound very supportive, but the father is as crazy as the daughter if he thinks you are going to allow your son to grow up with a woman trailing a rope behind her. Stepdaughter is telling you who she is. Believe her. He feels obliged to live in the world of suicides and mental institutions, and indeed he is the father. You don't have to, and you sure don't have to do that to your son. Talk sweetly to your mom and hopefully she will move back once he is gone. It might be hard to grow up without a father but it is going to be much, much worse to grow up with that circus.