ex bpd wife harassing new gf

[rustycage]

Hi to all. I am very thankful for this site. While I wasn't a poster, reading through all the forums truly saved me and allowed me to understand and end a bpd marriage after being walked out on and ghosted with no explanation or even an inkling anything was wrong for the umpteenth time. If you're reading this you can likely relate. I went nc ever since that day. It was finally enough, after years of being recycled. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life, and what I found was most people cannot relate or understand unless they've been through it. Reading through post after post that was spot on to my situation was key for me. Along with a little therapy, I eventually healed and regained my sanity and even feel as though I've learned a lot about not just bpd but myself.

Over the years, I had a friend going through similar experience with a so. We became each others support system and eventually, many months after both relationships ended, began a relationship of our own. It's been very healthy and caring and happy, except for one issue. My ex bpd has decided to launch a smear campaign against her. In public she yells, harasses and threatens her. To mutual friends or anyone that will listen, she lies about her. It's pretty constant, and completely false. The response has been to ignore it, take the high road, and try not to fuel the fire. I thought this would just go away given some time, until a new shiny object appeared. But it hasn't. The harassment continues and the fallout weighs heavy on my new so, to the point she is now feeling it has become unhealthy for her and it's threatening our relationship.

My ex bpd picked up her things and left, and never contacted again, and now paints herself to others as a victim and my new so as the villain. It's completely opposite of the truth. I thought I'd seen it all, but this is a whole new level. There doesn't seem to be any good way to handle this other than continuing to ignore it. Does anyone have any better advice on how to deal with such a situation? Does it eventually end? Also, the anger exhibited is so great, it makes me thing my ex believes her lies.. is that even possible? People who don't understand BPD want to say "there's two sides to every story" which is so frustrating to hear, because with BPD it just doesn't apply as it does in a "normal" situation. Getting out of the bpd grip was tough, finding happiness after was such a blessing and almost made the whole thing worthwhile. It's hard to accept that my new rs is now at risk as well thanks to this disorder.

[Manic Miner]

 You appear to share friends with your ex. I don't think that's good idea. Not with bpd sufferer that is.

Maybe I'm naive here but I think mutual friends or your friends shoud know that she has a 'condition'. That way they won't bother if she yells or talks trash.

You should tell your mutual friends or cut ties with them. I don't see other option. Same for narcissists. Peoole that stick around them are usually enablers.

And yes, they believe their lies. It's a distorted reality, made to explain their distorted thinking. As one therapist said, rage comes first, then comes their explanation why it exists.

[kells76]

Hey rustycage, glad you joined and that the site has been helpful to you. It's a lifeline to many.

I thought this would just go away given some time, until a new shiny object appeared. But it hasn't. The harassment continues and the fallout weighs heavy on my new so, to the point she is now feeling it has become unhealthy for her and it's threatening our relationship.

Can you tell us more about the harassment? Is it staying at the same intensity, or escalating?

In public she yells, harasses and threatens her.

What are the threats about?

Also, the anger exhibited is so great, it makes me thing my ex believes her lies..

pwBPD can be extremely emotionally convincing... I suspect even to themselves. She has a feeling, but doesn't have the inner self-structure to identify "hey, I'm feeling this way, but not necessarily because of this immediate thing, maybe it's from something else". So from that feeling she "creates" (whether intentional or not) a fact or a narrative to justify the feeling: "I feel angry but can't identify where it's coming from [and I don't have the skills to see that my feelings come from inside of me]. Therefore, whatever is going on in the moment is causing my anger. Therefore, even though I am in public and you happen to be there, not doing anything, you must be the cause of my anger".

People who don't understand BPD want to say "there's two sides to every story" which is so frustrating to hear, because with BPD it just doesn't apply as it does in a "normal" situation.

I really get this. It's not normal rules.

my new rs is now at risk as well thanks to this disorder.

What your ex is doing must be pretty extreme to threaten your relationship. You've tried what we'd recommend for starters (ignore, don't add fuel, wait it out).

How far have you looked down the legal road for options?

While ROs don't "fix" things, and (depending on the individual) can escalate things, they can also be a specific tool to use to finally get a line with real consequences if she crosses it. So far she has been able to keep yelling, threatening, and harassing, with, on the plus side, no engagement from you, but, on the minus side, no tangible consequences for her choices.

Check with at least two lawyers about if your situation would apply for getting an RO.

You would then have to be kind of ruthless in following through with contacting authorities if she breaks the RO. The worst case is to get legal "bowling bumpers" and then not escalate it to authorities if she crosses the line. So only get one if you're prepared to follow through.

I'd also recommend getting a recording app on your phone or a standalone voice/small vid recorder. Record "yourself" every time you're in public where you think she might do her thing. You can double check with a L about if you're in a "one party or two party recording" state, but even if it's a state where technically both parties have to agree to being recorded, you can always say "I was just recording myself, I can't help it if she burst in and yelled". At minimum it shows that you and your GF aren't contributing to the problem.

Does your GF feel safe at work, at home, etc? Has she read the Gavin de Becker book "The Gift of Fear"? It discusses ROs and other legal recourses, with pluses and minuses.

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The lies your ex tells to herself and others about being the victim... frustrating, untrue, and unless it's "actionable" (like, IDK, saying your GF is an abusive murderer?) you may need to let those go and focus on the physical stuff.

Your ex sounds unhinged enough that while on the minus side, an RO won't stop her from doing her thing, on the plus side, she won't be able to control herself and then the RO consequences can happen. It really depends on if you and your GF would feel safe and be safe going through the legal process.

...

Have you and your GF tried relational counseling yet? This is a hugely high stress situation and the extra support can help.

Keep us posted on how you guys are doing.

[Turkish]

PwBPD feel that their feelings don't matter, they don't matter, and are unworthy of being loved. These strong emotions likely drove your ex wife's behaviors towards you.

Now that you're in a new relationship, those deep-seated feelings are triggered anew, resulting in yet more dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Yet whatever she feels isn't an excuse.

You said that you cut off contact before. Do you have any contact now?

[ForeverDad]

kells76 asked what legal options you've pondered.  Perhaps before pondering an RO or PO, it may be that a letter to the ex from a lawyer you choose, warning her of possible legal consequences, may work sufficiently.  At the least it provides the legal basis to resort to more serious court action if she continues.

Part of the reason your ex is doing this is because she feels entitled or enabled to vent on your GF regardless of work or public impact.  Many pwBPD feel it's okay to let loose and vent on those they've been in close contact with.  They can need a reminder to them there is no private relationship anymore and venting, especially in public, must stop.

The lawyer can step in and the letter or notice may be perceived as from an authority figure to be obeyed, though even that can't be guaranteed to work.

[rustycage]

Hi all, thank you all for taking the time to respond. You've all given me a lot to consider and some good insights, and that's what's so great about this site. I really appreciate it. This disorder is terrible for all involved.

Manic Miner: I think this is pretty accurate: "As one therapist said, rage comes first, then comes their explanation why it exists"

kells76: Thank you for all the info, it's quite valuable. It may be time for a RO. However, I am concerned it could have the opposite affect and escalate. I also agree this is a high stress situation, and nothing I've ever experienced even during my relationship with xBPD. Re: the threats, they are pretty generic like "wait till you see what I have in store for you" and the yelling is mostly name calling and insinuations that she has something to do with the divorce (which is completely false). These happen in front of people and are usually in a rage. I don't know if they escalate, as much as they are always bad, and just continue at the same level. Although the latest one was worse than the rest. I'm being somewhat vague as I don't want to give away any details that might be identifying, however unlikely someone seeing this may be.

Turkish: I agree. No contact since the final split. I do wonder if a conversation might help, but I also feel that might backfire and fuel the fire more. Plus, not sure reason works with someone in an unreasonable state.

ForeverDad: Reading your posts helped me a lot in the past btw, thank you! I like the idea of the letter from a lawyer, I will be investigating that tomorrow.

[BigOof]

My blamer went as far as assaulting my friends and trying to split my family against me. This is simply the cost of doing business with a pwBPD.

Basically, she's trying to alienate everyone from you. Why? To isolate you and maintain power and control.

[PeteWitsend]

You appear to share friends with your ex. I don't think that's good idea. Not with bpd sufferer that is.

...

Yeah, I was also going to ask the OP, what is your social/living situation like?  Why does your BPD-ex still have so much contact with you and your new GF?

In my own case I KNEW BPDxw would behave like this, and so when she asked nicely to meet my new GF, claiming I should do her the courtesy of allowing her to know who was around our daughter, I just ignored her.  For one thing, she didn't extend me this courtesy when she started LIVING with a guy.  For another... why?  She's disordered!  Why would I allow a disordered person access to my personal life like that?

You should not, and you have no obligation to.

[PeteWitsend]

My blamer went as far as assaulting my friends and trying to split my family against me. This is simply the cost of doing business with a pwBPD.

Basically, she's trying to alienate everyone from you. Why? To isolate you and maintain power and control.

Right.  One breaks up with a pwBPD presumably b/c one cannot stand being around them.  So why then allow them any continuous contact of any kind?  If I didn't have a kid with BPDxw, I would have gone so far as to block her number and her email and text messages, and tell her if she wanted to send me any communications, I'd only respond through an attorney (and she would have to pay the attorney).

And I'd tell family and friends the same thing, and any that insisted on keeping contact with her, I would no longer consider them trustworthy (but maybe not necessarily cut them out as well)

[rustycage]

BigOof: great username btw. Yes, this is likely the case

PeteWitsend: thanks for the response! unfortunately, we are all part of a large group of friends that go back years. You're point is well taken though, and unfortunately some of the fallout has been losing some of those friends in the process to limit contact. I did not leave my xbpd, but after being left numerous times, finally decided to cut ties and end the marriage. The key to that was learning about bpd. I guess I was dealing with a quiet bpd, because the signature trait was leaving and ghosting out of the blue with no argument, discussion, sign anything was wrong, etc. Just "poof". So this anger and lashing out is new for me, something I hadn't seen (though seems to be quite normal for most persons with bpd).

[PeteWitsend]

..

PeteWitsend: thanks for the response! unfortunately, we are all part of a large group of friends that go back years. ..

that's unfortunate.  Is your new GF part of that large group of friends? 

I'm not sure how practical it is, but maybe you could reach out to some of them and explain the situation a bit, without sounding like you're blaming your ex too much, or trying to force them to choose a side.  You may find they make a decision on their own, and stop inviting your Ex out when you guys will be there. 

I'm sure others have seen flashes of her behavior.