How to say no to sex/intimacy with pwBPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m wondering if anyone has advice for saying no to sex/intimacy with your pwBPD. Mine had a fairly serious episode a couple months ago that culminated in some reckless threats (custody stuff, false allegations of abuse), and since then I have felt quite uncomfortable getting intimate. I haven’t directly addressed the threats, though I have mentioned them many times as something I will need to work through with her in order to feel comfortable trusting her again (not that I’m sure that will ever be possible). The FOG has me still sleeping in the same bed, and until recently being intimate sometimes, but I feel so uneasy about it.

When I say I need space or withdraw too soon from a hug, etc., the BPD storm starts brewing again behind her eyes. I know it triggers the abandonment fears, the self-doubt, the problems with object constancy. But is there any way of making my needs make sense to pwBPD? Yesterday she referred to our “obligations to each other” as a couple, which I think was code for this.

Part of what makes this so confusing is that for many months (even years) leading up to this latest big conflict, uBPDw was barely interested in sex. She blamed her meds and, more often, me, and sometimes the pandemic or having a young kid. I never once—and I do mean never—pressured her. To be honest, I often wasn’t interested either. I now realize it’s because I didn’t feel emotionally safe (and for all those other normal reasons I mentioned).

But the fight changed everything, including what sex means, and now suddenly if we’re not having it regularly we’re some sad couple on the road to disconnection and divorce. We may be on that road, of course, but sex isn’t why.

Anyone navigate this successfully?

[flakjacket]

I’m wondering if anyone has advice for saying no to sex/intimacy with your pwBPD. Mine had a fairly serious episode a couple months ago that culminated in some reckless threats (custody stuff, false allegations of abuse), and since then I have felt quite uncomfortable getting intimate. I haven’t directly addressed the threats, though I have mentioned them many times as something I will need to work through with her in order to feel comfortable trusting her again (not that I’m sure that will ever be possible). The FOG has me still sleeping in the same bed, and until recently being intimate sometimes, but I feel so uneasy about it.

When I say I need space or withdraw too soon from a hug, etc., the BPD storm starts brewing again behind her eyes. I know it triggers the abandonment fears, the self-doubt, the problems with object constancy. But is there any way of making my needs make sense to pwBPD? Yesterday she referred to our “obligations to each other” as a couple, which I think was code for this.

Part of what makes this so confusing is that for many months (even years) leading up to this latest big conflict, uBPDw was barely interested in sex. She blamed her meds and, more often, me, and sometimes the pandemic or having a young kid. I never once—and I do mean never—pressured her. To be honest, I often wasn’t interested either. I now realize it’s because I didn’t feel emotionally safe (and for all those other normal reasons I mentioned).

But the fight changed everything, including what sex means, and now suddenly if we’re not having it regularly we’re some sad couple on the road to disconnection and divorce. We may be on that road, of course, but sex isn’t why.

Anyone navigate this successfully?

[maxsterling]

Good topic.  The question is, are you "permanently ruined".

I am in a situation with my W where I have been sleeping another room the past few months.  Even if issues with the R/S improve, I don't know if sexual intimacy will return.  I have received too many insults, verbal abuse, and trauma as a result of the R/S that I know it would require some major therapy for things to physically "work" again.  I am coming to the conclusion that if I want a meaningful sexual relationship again, I will have to leave this r/s. 

It's difficult to be a man in this situation and say "no" because of the stereotype that we are always interested.  If you say "no" be prepared for a host of accusations and insults about your sexuality and how you need to see a doctor (speaking from experience).

[alterK]

Trust is a difficult issue when you're dealing with a pwBPD. I'll go at it in a roundabout way. Alexandr Solzhenitsyn once wrote, "In order for men to do evil, it is first necessary for them to believe what they are doing it good."

When a pwBPD does splitting, you become a bad person in their eyes. They may then feel justified treating you in a way that wouldn't be acceptable otherwise. This isn't a process you can control, and the result is that you can't trust them not to do hurtful things. Because you are the evil one, the one at fault, it is ok for them to act however they choose.

Does this make any sense to you in your situation? If it doesn't, ignore what I'm saying. If it does, it might give you a handle, a reason why you find it so difficult to trust your W. Sometimes it can seem ok to have sex with someone you don't trust, but in the context of a long-term relationship it can be pretty tough.

[Turkish]

Been there. If you can compartmentalize you anger and hurt and preform, you're likely good for a while. If not, it's downhill. You're right in that the act isn't core the issue... for both of you.

[maxsterling]

If you can compartmentalize you anger and hurt and preform, you're likely good for a while.

Key phrase "for awhile".  The longer the hurt continues, the harder it is to compartmentalize.  And even if you were to leave the r/s, it will likely affect your sex life in the next r/s.