Their truth vs THE truth and triangles

[JPAL71]

1. Do you notice that our BPD's form triangles? You and them against someone else (usually deemed Public Enemy #1) or the opposite where you are the enemy and they have someone they feel is "on their side" against you?

I noticed my daughter (19 and diagnosed) tries to get me on her side against her boyfriend and against my husband. My therapist said forming triangles is a common behavior. Now that I know what to look for I am very conscious of her positioning and I'm careful. Which leads to my next question..

2. The truth is so very hard to determine isn't it? We don't live in the same geographical area. I get her side of every story (she's always the victim as you would expect) and her boyfriend (who I have zero confidence in his truthfulness either) has called me on numerous occasions asking for help in deescalating her in the midst of hysteria. Got me thinking about her childhood.

She and I could be in the same place and time and witness any random event and she would come away with a completely different take on what happened. And not just her opinion is different, it's like she was in a completely different conversation (and invariably she comes away with a negative take). So many times I have been bewildered by her. Once I explain there's another way to view xx situation, she's surprised and usually amenable.

So her being the victim in every situation, especially at the hands of the boyfriend, makes me really wonder. He actually gave me his mom's phone number to get her angle. I'm going to call her because I need to hear it.

But on the other hand, there was a ray of light. She left the boyfriend (he lives with his mom and she was staying there) and she stayed gone for 30 solid days. Her attitude was PHENOMENAL.  She was incredible. She was staying with a friend (male) and he was super positive and helpful and wonderful.  Her frame of mind FLOURISHED. First time I've had any hope in years.

Well, it crashed and burned last weekend. Long story short he got very pushy and scary - completely out of nowhere- and she felt unsafe and, of course, called the boyfriend to pick her up. Cue the hysteria.

The ONLY reason I don't doubt her events is because she contacted male friend's ex and described events and asked for some insight. I saw the responses in screenshots and apparently the night in shining armor wasn't quite who we thought he was. To say it's disappointing is an understatement.

But it brings me back to this constant merry go round of what is true? What is her reality vs everyone else's reality and how do I ever know the truth?

This is food for thought and I'd really love to hear your opinions and how you handle it. Sorry for the long post!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

I understand completely your concern about “the truth”.
My 48 year old daughter’s memory doesn’t match mine.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe it is the nature of the disease.
I always thought she had a great childhood. Now, she has all these childhood “issues” that are my fault.  I have been mostly estranged from my daughter for 3 years.  I always thought I was a good mom. “Not so” according to her. This makes honest communication almost impossible in my case. I am so afraid of what she might say to me or her dad. What a nightmare.
Do any of you really knowledgeable people know how to work through these communication problems?