Constant Suicide Threats

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This might be hard for some to read but I'm very tired of the suicide threats coming from my uBPDh. He just doesn't stop using them to get my attention and it's hard to not be worried about someone when they're saying they have nothing left to live for anymore. I don't think he's going to act on them aka empty threats but it's so hard to hear.

Today, he said he was going to buy a gun (he's out of town in another state) and kill himself. After an hour on the phone and exhaustive conversation, I get text messages from him that he's sorry for the difficult conversation earlier and he is just looking to rebuild and for us to be ok. I called his therapist and left a voicemail that I was concerned about his mental state, I felt it was the right thing to do.

My mind is exploding... it's like the conversation never happened, or was about something minor like arguing over groceries.

I know I'm being preyed upon in these situations but I'm too compassionate not to take him seriously when he talks about killing himself, that he has no friends, no job (he lost it), and no family.

I'm starting the divorce process but I'm scared that he'll actually do something as soon as they serve him or he finds out sooner. For those who've been through a divorce with someone who is BPD, can you give any advice? I am thinking I will have to move out. I'm worried he will actually hurt himself, me, or burn the house down or something. I'm so overwhelmed. This emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. I have great support but I'm falling apart, this is mentally and physically taxing.

I still very much care about him and don't want to see him hurt or upset. I keep telling myself this is a product of his illness but this is who he is and I don't want this in my life. It's still so hard to hear him talk of dying, start yelling, hysterically cry on demand, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through. It doesn't make ending this any easier either to think I'll be free of this someday.

When I try NC, it doesn't work. Nothing does! I need this to be done but I'm so sad and exhausted. Has anyone had to get a OOP or stay away order? My lawyer and I are talking about one.

Any thoughts are appreciated. I'm feeling really alone. 

[yellowbutterfly]

This might be hard for some to read but I'm very tired of the suicide threats coming from my uBPDh. He just doesn't stop using them to get my attention and it's hard to not be worried about someone when they're saying they have nothing left to live for anymore. I don't think he's going to act on them aka empty threats but it's so hard to hear.

Today, he said he was going to buy a gun (he's out of town in another state) and kill himself. After an hour on the phone and exhaustive conversation, I get text messages from him that he's sorry for the difficult conversation earlier and he is just looking to rebuild and for us to be ok. I called his therapist and left a voicemail that I was concerned about his mental state, I felt it was the right thing to do.

My mind is exploding... it's like the conversation never happened, or was about something minor like arguing over groceries.

I know I'm being preyed upon in these situations but I'm too compassionate not to take him seriously when he talks about killing himself, that he has no friends, no job (he lost it), and no family.

I'm starting the divorce process but I'm scared that he'll actually do something as soon as they serve him or he finds out sooner. For those who've been through a divorce with someone who is BPD, can you give any advice? I am thinking I will have to move out. I'm worried he will actually hurt himself, me, or burn the house down or something. I'm so overwhelmed. This emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. I have great support but I'm falling apart, this is mentally and physically taxing.

I still very much care about him and don't want to see him hurt or upset. I keep telling myself this is a product of his illness but this is who he is and I don't want this in my life. It's still so hard to hear him talk of dying, start yelling, hysterically cry on demand, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through. It doesn't make ending this any easier either to think I'll be free of this someday.

When I try NC, it doesn't work. Nothing does! I need this to be done but I'm so sad and exhausted. Has anyone had to get a OOP or stay away order? My lawyer and I are talking about one.

Any thoughts are appreciated. I'm feeling really alone. 

[yellowbutterfly]

Also, he's told me I'm his only hope, his only family, his only friend and without me he has nothing and will kill himself. That's SO MUCH pressure to put on a person. It's so not fair to me. Doesn't he get he's ruined any chance of us repairing by continuing to do this? I know he doesn't understand that but I'm so just mystified about how he doesn't think rationally.

[BigOof]

Each a threat to commit suicide is made you should call 911 and report it. You're not professionally trained to deal with it and shouldn't have to. After you call 911 a few times and the police come, he'll stop. His other option is getting committed to a mental facility.

[stolencrumbs]

I don't have great advice, but my ex-wife constantly threatened suicide. I don't think calling 911 every time is great advice. If you're H is like my W, you'll be calling 911 every single day. And occasionally that might result in a couple of days at a mental hospital, and then you're back to the same thing. It's really hard. One thing to know is that if he wants to do this, you can't stop it. It's absolutely not your fault if he does. My wife had a serious attempt after I filed for divorce. She ended up in the hospital. In my case, it was very different from literally the hundreds of times she had threatened it in the past. There was no warning. There were no threats. She just tried it. Almost died. Came back to consciousness on her own. Called 911 herself, and I got a call from the hospital. Again, I don't have good advice. It took me years to get to a point where the suicide threats didn't dominate my thoughts. It's hard. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is a dominant feature of BPD, and yet not something that is discussed that much here. I don't know if I can help at all, but I am happy to help in any way I can.

[yellowbutterfly]

Each a threat to commit suicide is made you should call 911 and report it. You're not professionally trained to deal with it and shouldn't have to. After you call 911 a few times and the police come, he'll stop. His other option is getting committed to a mental facility.

@bigoof

I wish I could call 911 as a resource but he claims if I do call them that I am triggering his trauma he has with the police. He says he has c-PTSD from past incidents with the cops. I don't want to invalidate his experience but it puts me in a tough and possibly dangerous situation to not be able to or feel that I can use a resource like 911.

I called 911 the first time he told me how he'd do it as he'd never really had a plan before. They assessed him and he was (a) smart enough to convince them he's not suicidal, (b) maybe he really isn't and he's just using it to get to me, and (c) he had his dad lie to them saying he never told him nor me that he was suicidal. His dad lied!

I've spoken to my therapist and a suicide hotline about the situation. I know I did the right thing, it's just so hard now because if I feel I need to call them he said he will provoke them to shoot him and kill him. I carry so much guilt about the situation. Rationally, I know if I really needed to call I could but emotionally I don't want to feel responsible for calling them and having him provoke them.

If you're H is like my W, you'll be calling 911 every single day.

@stolencrumbs

He threatens it a lot but not everyday. It's so hard to hear because I do know he's depressed but he uses suicide as a tactic to get my attention. He can go from loving, to yelling to crying and telling me he's going to kill himself within a span of a few minutes. Then the next day he either denies it ever happened or tells me he was saying those things for attention.

One thing to know is that if he wants to do this, you can't stop it. It's absolutely not your fault if he does.

That I do know. I keep telling myself that it would be his choice. I love and care deeply for him but I cannot control him.

Years ago, I was really depressed and had some suicidal thoughts/actions myself. It was so different for me than how he uses suicide as a threat. I didn't tell anyone and I then I tried to hurt myself. Luckily, I realized that I was just so depressed and immediately called for help. When he does it he weaponizes the idea in a fight and then tells me I'll be the one left to clean up and tell his friends/father. I don't know whether to take him seriously ever or not when he says these things.

I don't know if I can help at all, but I am happy to help in any way I can.

Just responding to my post and sharing your experience helps. Knowing that others like yourself and all the people on this board understand is helpful. I feel less alone and less crazy in my experience. I've learned so much from all the resources here and through therapy that I've been able to start learning how to cope and I've been able to realize I'm being abused and this is not ok with me.

I'm leaving, I just don't know exactly when. I need to make my plan but every day it is something else with him. Plus, the disordered thinking and splitting is so dominant in his life. Any niceness I show him is hope to him that we will be ok. 

[BigOof]

Consider reaching out to a local domestic violence response team and work with them to prepare an exit plan.

[ForeverDad]

Today, he said he was going to buy a gun (he's out of town in another state) and kill himself. After an hour on the phone and exhaustive conversation... I called his therapist and left a voicemail that I was concerned about his mental state, I felt it was the right thing to do.

I have often read advice not to allow negative engagement to go on and on, it simply isn't constructive.  An hour on the phone is too exhaustive for you?  Then you can make a boundary to end the conversation when he starts heading in that direction.  That can be your boundary.  You have control over how long you continue a call or texting exchange.  State your boundary and hang up, perhaps even silencing the ringer for an appropriate length of time.

I recall the first time I exerted that boundary.  We had separated and she was yet again yammering or demanding something or other.  I said I was hanging up and did so.  (Note: she almost always hung up on me after yelling at me.)  Predictably, she called right back and told me I wasn't allowed to hang up on her! 

[yellowbutterfly]

Yes! I'm working on boundaries in therapy and these constant long conversations are too much for me. Now the goal is to see if I can state my boundary and abide by it.

Progress not perfection 

[Skip]

I don't think calling 911 every time is great advice.

I would agree with this, for the most part. It is a last resort and should be for emergency situations. It sound like you have a good handle on that when you made the first call.

You might want to try talking about this when he is calm and devise a plan together on how to address these feelings. Be open, but firm. Maybe the plan is to go to the nearest walk in emergency clinic (you will need to research where this is ahead of time) or in the lack of that, an emergency room. Or maybe its an agreement to schedule a appointment with a professional and you make the call and drive him when the time comes.

Suicidal idealization (depression) and being suicidal are very different situations. The problem is, we often can't tell the difference, so you want to be thoughtful.

[maxsterling]

You could try the new suicide prevention line 988 instead of 911.  Not sure if that is a resource for you or for him, or both.  But it is an alternative to police.

I feel for you.  I've been thru almost 10 years of this.  It has worn me out mentally and physically.  And like your H, my W claims she has cPTSD triggered by police.   I get it.  But from my end (which I wish she could understand) her talks about suicide are very alarming and I am at a loss what to do.  I've called 911 a few times.  At least twice it was neighbors who called.  Every time I have called it has been because she was acting violently towards herself or me and made suicidal statements.  I have asked for female police officers.  Once I called a mobile crisis unit.  The end result is always the same - they cannot legally do anything unless they witness her trying to hurt herself or make such statements.  And every time someone comes over she is good to not do that.  Me recoding things is not sufficient.  So the police/crisis team will talk to me and say that she definitely needs to be hospitalized, but because they cannot do it, I would have to petition her.  I think this is what you should look into.

Where I live, I can fill out paperwork stating I think my W is a danger to herself.  They will then send a mobile unit out with police to take her to the hospital overnight.  At the hospital they will evaluate her to see if she needs to be admitted. I have never gone that route because I fear that W will know what to do/say at the hospital so that she is not admitted.

If you go this route, perhaps find an alternative place to live while he is at the hospital, or have the divorce papers ready.  You have to save yourself first, and being away from the drama is one way to do that.

[yellowbutterfly]

@maxsterling, thank you for expressing you understand how I am feeling. It is so hard to go through this.