Daughter in Law

[Sharon1213]

I have a daughter in law with bpd and a narcissistic personality. Just having to deal with her regarding spending time with my grandkids or any interaction is difficult. When I ask for the grandkids or to get together it is an ordeal. She is so passive aggressive. I can never get a simple answer. It’s always “I’ll get back to you” and then she doesn’t. I don’t know how to ask without going thru this nonsense.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Sharon1213, glad you found us. We can really relate to what you're describing -- that any interaction is difficult (at best, sigh). And there's never a simple, straightforward answer.

Some pwPDs (people with personality disorders, whether diagnosed or not) can see their children as extensions of themselves -- not as individual beings who may have different wants or needs relationally, but as "objects" whose purpose is to have the same emotional experience as the pwPD -- to regulate the pwPD. Your DIL may be showing part of the disorder -- that she lacks the empathy or stability to either see or permit her kids to have their own relationship with you, apart from her.

And it sounds like it is showing up as "stonewalling" (no response) or delaying/foot-dragging. It's beyond frustrating, when you'd like to have a loving and supportive relationship with the grandkids.

Can I ask, how close do they live?

Do you have the same issues with phone or Zoom contact?

What would you say your son's role is in this? I notice you didn't mention him as someone you ask to see the GK's.

The "nonsense", as you say, is exhausting. It could be so simple, yet the disordered behaviors make it so, so hard. You're really in the right place here to connect with other grandparents whose relationships with the GKs are impacted by someone with a PD.

Keep us posted on how you've been doing;

kells76