Is the constant complaining part of the disorder?

[tamerlamb]

I have noticed over the many many years... .and many many many jobs my BPDh has had ... .he is a constant complainer.  He is miserable at every job, he is miserable if he isn't working.  I get the whole "painting black and white" with the people in his life... .but the constant whinning, btching and complaining about EVERY work day... .I must have to listen to it for at least an hour of EVERY single day that he goes to work.  I mean he complains about everything.  It's a very rare day if he actually looks at a situation or person and has something positive to say.  Is this part of the BPD?  Or does he perhaps just have a dark cloud following him around like Eyore?

[beyondbelief]

Often pwBPD are generally unhappy and since the problem can't be them it must be everything else.  So yep they tend to complain about a lot.

My X had a strange twist on the work thing as I worked and she didn't.  To be honest I did not like my job but it paid well and I did it for years.  If I said anything negative about it the X would get upset with me.  So I stopped saying a thing about it.

So after that she started complaining about my job much worse than I ever did.  Later in her divorce declaration she stated that I inflicted emotional torture on her because she felt guilty because I worked somewhere that I didn't want to while she stayed home, had the kids in school and someone coming to clean the house for her!

[Lila]

I think everyone has things that bother them but my uBPD sis took complaining to a knew level.  A few years ago after listening to her complain about something a friend said to her I asked her why didn't she tell the friend that there was an issue?  You know, discuss the problem and work it out.  Sis looked at me like I was talking a foriegn language and said that this woman was "very good to her."  Which meant that the woman gave her things while still allowing my sister to feel superior in some way.  Now my roll was to listen to the constant complaining until I could not stand it any longer.  People complain, pwBPD suck the soul out of you until you are an empty shell.

[tamerlamb]

"suck the soul out of you"... .yes that's a very good way of putting that!  Sometimes I am just bored bored bored with the same complaints day after day after day... .it's exhausting to keep trying to engage in the conversation.  I try to draw him away from it... .cuz I don't want to feed the negative by agreeing with every complaint he has (which is mostly the same stuff) ... .yesterday I had a Dr. apt for pre-op for a hysterectomy, so when I got home I actually had something significant going on with my day (I normally allow him to talk about his day since I don't normally have issues with people or situations that are significant enough to warrant discussing) so I am telling him all about my dr visit and what they said to expect blah blah blah.  So he tries to turn the conversation to him by stating how much he is a "slave" at work.  So I said laughingly... you say that everyday.  Well don't ya know now I've gone and offended him by discussing ME for a change and making mention of the fact that he does say he is a slave pretty much everyday.  Now its the silent treatment because as he tried to say... .  "you're not interested in me talking about my day so I won't anymore".   Good grief... .I am having major surgery... I get so frustrated that it always has to be about him.  I'm not even sorry for having said it... .cuz I really am just sick sick sick of feeling drained after his daily hour long complaints about life, the work, the boss, ... .Seriously, one day he is btching cuz its slow at work... .then he's btching about too much work.  The boss is dumb... .the boss is cheap, ... .he knows more than they do ... .but he doesn't want any responsibilities above what he is doing. Uuuhhg... .okay... I guess this was my complaint session.  Thanks for listening gang.

[Cardinals in Flight]

My BPDg/f is negative about her job, and about most people actually.  Everyone who is supposedly her "friend", can also be a "piece of sh&*", even family members. I've often wondered what she says about me, LOL, I'm sure it's more of the same. 

BPDg/f says she wants to just be happy, says it all the time, but honestly, it baffles me to think to myself, "what could make her happy?".

And like you tamerlamb, I listent to all of the same negative stuff everyday, but hardly ever get a chance to say what is going on in my day, unless it's a crisis of some sort, THEN she gets really excited and will participate in the conversation.  Sometimes she will even insert herself into a situation to "help" when I've not even asked her to do so.

But negativity is a constant theme,

[whigin]

That is all mine does is complain.  My BPD-h has nothing good to say esp about my kids.  Then he's been complaining, criticising, pointing out my flaws the last 48 hours especially.  They are glass half empty all the time.  And always predicting something bad will happen so they draw that negative energy to them too. 

   And this year, xmas, I tried to plan a trip for his 2 kids and my 3 to meet in the middle of the country - we are in 4 states all together (7 people).  I couldn't get it to work.  My kids (18-24) could all meet last weekend in CO which we did without him.  that was really nice.  Now he doesn't know if his will come here for anytime between now and Jan 15.  They are 11 and 16.  He got in a tongue lashing with the X.  No surprise there.  He will complain about it all And now the x own't drive his kids to the airport... .He won't call her - won't be proactive.  He jsut texts! his kids to see if they want to come.  it's all my fault for not planning something where everyone could go - (but it wasn't feasible.)  Now, he "just doesn't feel like christmas".  I offered last night when I got back from seeing my kids to go and buy something for his.  drop it in the mail and he said No.  they know he's thinking of them.  says they talk all the time.  They don't .  He barely texts them.  And what is that anyway.  SO, I did it anyway.  I will never be their step mom at this distance but I can act like a good Aunt.  he can't even be a dad.

[azmomm2]

Funny about the "sucking the soul" thing. Here's something I journaled recently:

The worst thing is all the little cuts. That’s what my heart has become. No, I’ve never been hit or cheated on. I’ve never had to deal with drugs or alcoholism or flirting or screaming. But my heart is covered in thousands of tiny paper cuts. Just little things – little hurts. They have built to the point where my heart cannot take more. There is no more space for new paper cuts.

What kind of little cuts, you ask?

Such as…

We were at Outback right before I got sick. I walked in ahead of DH, and apparently didn’t walk ALL the way in. So he did a light “body check” on me to push me forward and I stumbled forward a couple steps and looked back at him. He said “THANKS!” in that tone… that snarky tone… and I asked “For what? For pushing me?” And he said “For not just going in!”

I opened the windows for some fresh air, and turned down the heat. I thought I had closed them all, but we got back from the in-laws, and the first thing DH noticed was that the heat was turned down. “What the f**k.” he said, as he turned it back up, punching the buttons hard as if to make a point. Then he noticed the open window. “The window’s open! S**T!... .you left the window open!” “Sorry”, I squeaked, and let it go.

We were at a pretzel place in the mall and I had a coughing fit. “JESUS, WOMAN!” he scoffed. “I can’t help it” I whined. “I didn’t say you could.” he replied, in *that* tone.

“HEY! HEY!” I hear from downstairs, in that irritated voice I know so well. I walk over to the top of the stairs. “What?” I answer, trying to say it loudly enough so he’ll hear but not so loudly that I’ll wake our son. “Are you coming down here or what? Are we gonna watch Dexter? I’ve been WAITING!” “I was trying to get a video online.” “Who cares about a f**king video?”

The sink was overflowing with dirty dishes (while I was sick). I couldn’t take it anymore, so I waddled over and started putting dishes in the dishwasher. “You don’t have to do that,” DH said. “I can’t take looking at this anymore.” “I’ll do it”, he said… “Tomorrow.” “I can’t wait until tomorrow.” So he walked away and I finished doing it.

It’s just constant little crap like this. Little things, which on their own, could be chalked up to someone having a bad day or being on edge. But added all together, make a pattern of paper cuts on my heart that I am now incapable of healing in this marriage.

This is not me… this shaky woman who is scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. This is not me… this timid passive weak person, just trying to keep the peace and struggling to stay above water. I am trying so hard to just detach, detach, detach. It can’t hurt me if I detach, I keep telling myself. But the truth is it still gets in. Those paper cuts keep building up.

And then there are the things I don’t have, that I wish I did. I wish I had a husband who would ask me if I am ok when I cough, or show empathy to me. I wish I had a husband who would slow down around corners (when driving) when I am on the edge of throwing up. I wish I had a husband who was soft and gentle and loving to me.

I just want to feel the neck of the marriage break in my hands. I want to hear that sound and know that something is changing and that my heart can heal.

Dr. Phil always says, when there are shows about abusive parents, that it “takes 1000 attaboys to erase one negative comment”. And in my case, there are waves of negative crashing down everywhere, and small rafts of positive bobbing about here and there. Like getting me popsicles. Or taking me to the office so I can put my key in for the board election, when I was too sick to drive. Or getting me really awesome Christmas presents. He does nice things here and there.

But the nice things are so few and far between compared to the constant barrage of negativity. It is truly “soul sucking”. It wears me down. Not even just the stuff directed to or about me. He talks negatively about people on tv, my family, his family, other drivers… you name it.

[tamerlamb]

Dang... .now I'm gonna cry!  I totally feel that.

[Cardinals in Flight]

This is not me… this shaky woman who is scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. This is not me… this timid passive weak person, just trying to keep the peace and struggling to stay above water. I am trying so hard to just detach, detach, detach. It can’t hurt me if I detach, I keep telling myself. But the truth is it still gets in. Those paper cuts keep building up.



Oh yeah! I can soo relate to this!  ?  The tiny things? my driving, how I eat (she's vegan), how I feed my kids, wear my hair (like a school teacher).  Writing all of this out seems as though I'm nit picking and looking for negative stuff, but the reality is these tiny little things to cut and they are the things I let go and try to not take them so personally, "it's just her way"  :'(

[azmomm2]

It's not nit-picking. I get it.

My DH is often very subtle and passive-aggressive in his zings, so they can be easily denied. "Oh, I was just joking and you know it!", he'll say. Or "Oh, I didn't mean it that way! Come on, is that really what you think?" or "You are just being sensitive."

But what I keep coming back to is that I am not this way with anyone else in my life, and I don't have a history of being too sensitive or taking things the wrong way in relationships. It is very situational-specific. So it HAS to be him.

And of course, many times I don't know if he's being intentionally cruel, or if he's just clueless to how he is coming across and what he is saying.

And add the ZINGS to the constant complaining and it's just like taking a never-ending shower in negativity. I want to feel the sunshine!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Yes, "I'm just kidding", that makes it all ok, right?  I felt like a gerbel being poked in a cardboard box!    And I'm NOT that way with anyone else... .smh

[tamerlamb]

Sometimes after a conversation with him... .I literally feel that I want to retch!  Like somehow that negativity is making me physically ill.  As for the nice digs and jabs... .yup.  I know those well.  Thankfully I was born with a great big dose of my own sarcasm ... .so when he starts with those digs... I just ask him if he needs help holding the shovel.  But I understand what you guys are saying... .I have called him out on this before.  I let him know I know what he's doing... .and the deniability trick he uses. 

[HardDaysNight]

I have noticed over the many many years... .and many many many jobs my BPDh has had ... .he is a constant complainer.  He is miserable at every job, he is miserable if he isn't working.  I get the whole "painting black and white" with the people in his life... .but the constant whinning, btching and complaining about EVERY work day... .I must have to listen to it for at least an hour of EVERY single day that he goes to work.  I mean he complains about everything.  It's a very rare day if he actually looks at a situation or person and has something positive to say.  Is this part of the BPD?  Or does he perhaps just have a dark cloud following him around like Eyore?

Who says Eyore isn't BPD? 

I see the same thing, constant negativity, complaining, it's like everything is oh so hard, when my BPD/NPD wife is "up" the complaining is passive agressive (it took me a while to realize it).  It takes the form of constantly commenting how this could be better or that is not good, everything and everyone (by implication or explicit statement) is somehow inadequate.  She's not being negative she's just trying to make things better.  Really?  I used to buy into this, but started keeping count.  Days could go by with not a single statement that found good or acceptance in anything.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, was satisfactory. 

So yes I think it is.  The waif BPD is a more woe is me complaining, as I saw the more queen BPD/NPD emerge it became more passive agressive.  And if you ignore it or don't agree, well snideness and anger emerge, if you ignore that she gets sullen and pouty.

[HardDaysNight]

... .  People complain, pwBPD suck the soul out of you until you are an empty shell.

I should have read the second post,  That is it in a nutshell.

[HardDaysNight]

Yes, "I'm just kidding", that makes it all ok, right?  I felt like a gerbel being poked in a cardboard box!    And I'm NOT that way with anyone else... .smh

Yeah I get the same.  And no, you know they are not just kidding.  Even worse I get the variation "I'm just saying."  Like that is supposed to absolve one from all responsibility for their words.

[HardDaysNight]

It's not nit-picking. I get it.

My DH is often very subtle and passive-aggressive in his zings, so they can be easily denied. "Oh, I was just joking and you know it!", he'll say. Or "Oh, I didn't mean it that way! Come on, is that really what you think?" or "You are just being sensitive."

But what I keep coming back to is that I am not this way with anyone else in my life, and I don't have a history of being too sensitive or taking things the wrong way in relationships. It is very situational-specific. So it HAS to be him.

And of course, many times I don't know if he's being intentionally cruel, or if he's just clueless to how he is coming across and what he is saying.

And add the ZINGS to the constant complaining and it's just like taking a never-ending shower in negativity. I want to feel the sunshine!

I swear I won't quote every post, but this:

"Oh, I was just joking and you know it!", he'll say. Or "Oh, I didn't mean it that way! Come on, is that really what you think?" or "You are just being sensitive."

is almost verbatim my wife.  Well if it wasn't today she'll first deny she said it.  If it is so over the top she can't even convince herself it was a "joke"  I get a "you do the same thing too."  WTF no I don't.

[Astarta]

  HardDaysNight

"Well if it wasn't today she'll first deny she said it.  If it is so over the top she can't even convince herself it was a "joke"  I get a "you do the same thing too."  WTH no I don't."

I know what you mean if it is not your fault it is certainly is not theirs.

My DHwBPD convinced himself that since he had BPD so did I or NPD. The other day I was calling him on the mat for being insensitive and self-centered about not taking care of me when I was sick (witch I rarely am). He response  in that oh so condescending way, was that he understood I was not capable of understanding that other peoples needs exist. At first it was hurtful and then I laughed in his face for the first time in 20 years.

[tamerlamb]

Astarta... .yes... .they are not very good at taking care of anyone... .I think that might be the NPD mixed in with the BPD.  I am having major surgery on Jan 3rd and will be out of work for 3-6weeks.  The first week or 2 I won't be able to do much of anything... and I am directed not to lift anything for at least the full 5-6 weeks.  I have no faith that he will be able to be a normal, helpful, supportive husband during this time... .non at all.  Its kind of sad to think that ... .no one should be thinking that about their spouse.  Maybe I will end up being pleasantly surprised?  But it's doubtful... .especially when the attention will have to be directed at NOT HIM.  LOL  We shall see.

[Astarta]

Good luck in the surgery and lets keep our fingers crossed that he steps up and is able to take care of you as you deserve.

[mssalty]

It's certainly a part of what I deal with.  The complaining is one thing.  The way that everything is considered a personal affront is completely different.

[HardDaysNight]

Astarta,

  You too.  I guess I never had the gumption to really call my wife on not taking care of me when I've been sick.  Last time I got really sick was two years ago, was running a 103 fever.  Yet she would still ask me "What's for dinner?" in the demanding kind of way.  Yeah I like cooking but I am always expected to cook.

  When I would ask for some care or even help so I could get some sleep, I'd get a look of disgust.  It was all my fault I was sick because I didn't work out "enough."  That I ran about 8 miles a week was only 5-10lbs overweight didn't qualify me in good "enough" shape for sympathy.

  Do you get the flip side too?  When my wife feels tired or out of sorts (which is almost everyday) it often escalates to some form of cancer or serious condition that I need to show sympathy for.  She's always got some internet diagnosis.  Needless to say, she hasn't been right yet.  Needless to say I am "uncaring" because I no longer jump when she plays the major illness card.  Note, these major illness are very sporadic.  They don't keep her from softball, basketball, drinking beer with the girls til midnight or running half-marathons.  Just cleaning, cooking, helping with the kids, preparing for guests, and me going out with my friends.

  Wait, it hit me.  She is right.  She does have a major illness and I think it is called BPD.

[myfault]

Oh boy do I hear you!

Every thing is negative, everything is wrong, and if you are tired or feeling a little under the weather they are worse. Everyone is out to get them, and everyone at their work just loves them and thinks their wonderful but they are all pieces of ___. and people in the general public, walking on the street or in the mall... ."Oh my god would you look at her, look at how fu**ing fat she is"! VERY LOUDLY... .  or the guy driving beside him gave him a dirty look and out comes road rage man!

[sea_luver]

My gf complains a LOT!... .one moment it could be about some mysterious, spontaneous physical ailment (most recently she suspected a potentially deadly blood clot), the next could be about how the people in her life (including me at times) are doing or have done her wrong, then maybe gross generalizations about all the people who live in our area or men or the younger generation or some other group including her immediate family. 

She often seems to be operating from a really dark place.  Her perceptions and expressions reflect suspicion, jealousy, helplessness, hopelessness, mistrust, paranoia, fear, self-hatred.

It's peace-disturbing and, yes, emoitionally draining to actively listen and validate this over and over and over.  Sometimes I tune out and sometimes I leave.  I've struggled with guilt over it and I understand what it's about. 

Lately I've been thinking that staying in this relationship is a form of self-abuse.

[Neverknow]

There is nothing my BPD w or xBPD wife, won't/wouldn't complain about, including the tilt of the earth, LOL.

[woodsposse]

Later in her divorce declaration she stated that I inflicted emotional torture on her because she felt guilty because I worked somewhere that I didn't want to while she stayed home, had the kids in school and someone coming to clean the house for her!

It has been a while since I posted... .but I was researching something and it lead me back here... .so it is good to be 'home'.

When I read the above quote... .I had to holler "THANK YOU!" because I now understand something which was bugging me for years even after y divorce from my ex.  It had always bothered me that she 'didn't like me' because I was doing everything I could to support her (and my kids)... .and she felt 'guilty' because she didn't work and was 'disabled' (which she really wasn't and could have worked at any time... .but someohow that was my fault too).

It wasn't my fault.  I didn't do anything "wrong" - and I didn't inflict any emotional distress on her... .she did it to herself, and thus brought me down into the depths with her.  And when I didn't want to do that... .things became worse - all because I'm normal.

Typical crazy making behavior.

So anyway... .thanks again and it feels good to be back.

[PFCI]

My wife hates pretty much everyone and everything, all the time, except for when she decides she likes them. 

She is really negative about her job, co-workers, friends, me, about 90% of the time.  What I've learned, though, is not to join in bad mouthing them, 'cos at any time she could turn around and start praising someone she was complaining about only minutes before, and if I ever bad mouth something she likes (even if it was in agreement with what she was saying at the time!), it's trouble.

So, when she spends hours moaning, I generally just listen, occasionally making non-committal comments to show I am listening, but not joining in with the conversation.  I wonder how someone so unhappy with everything can ever hope to enjoy their life... .

[GIStock]

My ex BPDgf just couldn't be happy about anything either, including her job with accomodating flexibilities, her family who provides her everything, her friends who get painted black/white. There are small moments in which she are grateful, which then becomes full on rage after like an hour. When we used to talk about marriage, she switched her potential "maid of honor" like 5 different people per year, and every time she sounds like she bet her life on it.

I just cannot catch up with her values

[Tupla Sport]

Yeah. It was fairly benign, but it got more obnoxious after she moved out. At least it felt like that, probably because I was gaining more ground for myself after getting rid of her constant presence. Most of the time it was either her beaming from dopamine-induced excitement over something new and shiny or trying desperately to induce a drop of dopamine from complaining. Because that's what happens: you get dopamine from complaining and asserting your negative feelings.

One day she was supposed to come in for an intimate evening together and she ruined the mood completely by complaining how sweaty she got walking the 500 meters from her place to mine. Like would dead-ass not stop complaining about the sweat. Take a shower or something, ffs.

Then she seemed to expect me to try to make it flirty like I had before. Like "you know, it's kind of hot you're sweaty already" but I did not say anything. She asked me what was wrong and I blurted out that she was going to ruin the mood further if I tried to say anything remotely sexy. She was absolutely devastated and quietly but firmly left my apartment.