Just found out my daughter in-law's crazy behavior is BPD

[Sad mom in MN]

I have been having issues with my daughter in-law for most of our relationship.  She started by claiming to be uncomfortable with our family.  We suggested she join my son's weekly video chats to get to know us. She wouldn't do that.  We would visit with them a few times a year since they live 4 hours away.  I would get complaints that I needed to be nicer to her from my son.  She would never say anything directly to us.  We always thought the visits went okay.  Later my son would tell me that I needed to be nicer.  I later found out that she thought I didn't welcome her into the family with open arms, I didn't always respond to her when she made a comment, I talked more to my son then her, I would laugh when I talked to other people and not her.  There are a lot of incidents that I won't go into that just seem crazy to us.  I could write a few pages.

I will try to describe the last few big incidents before we were disowned. My daughter in-law listened in to a video call that we thought was private.  The conversation was normal until my son started the I needed to be nicer to his wife speech. I decided to defend myself and started to say, "She had trouble getting along..", (I was going to say stepmother) when there was screaming and she told my son, "Hang up the f***ing phone."  My son called back 10 minutes later and yelled at my husband.  I guess she claims I said she had no friends and was weird.  I never said anything like that.  Her yelling was such a shock my husband and I can't remember much that was said before that.  I would never call her weird to my son and I don't know anything about her friends.  We were afraid my son was in danger.  There was so much anger.

I tried to go online and figure out what was going on with my daughter in-law.  I found that mother and daughter in-laws have control issues, so I thought if I met her halfway and told her that I may have been playing the mother role with her after she was married and that was causing control problems.  My son thought the control issue theory made sense and promised to get his wife to talk to us.  It never happened.  She took my theory as an admission of my guilt.  They claim I admitted to being deliberately cruel and disrespectful to her from the beginning and I refuse to apologize. 

The last blow up was over an innocent comment my husband said about his birthday present.  His birthday and Father's Day are days apart.  My son sent a text message saying his present was delivered and his second gift was coming.  My husband asked if the other gift was his birthday present.  My son replied that he had been busy, and my husband shouldn't expect a present.  His wife texted that my husband ruined Father's Day for her husband by demanding a gift and went on with a hateful message about me again and ended with do not contact us. We have been blocked from their social media and cell phones ever since. 

My daughter has also been disowned since she defended me, and she told my son that he was in an abusive relationship.  We talked about the situations with our relatives, and my husband's sister talked to a friend that is a psychologist. She thinks that my daughter in-law has BPD.  I googled it and it fits.  She also recommended some books, and I started reading one tonight.  We sent an email to him when my mother was in her final days, and he did call her and send flowers to the funeral. He did not contact me at all. For his birthday we sent him a birthday card and gift card to his workplace.  He sent an email telling us "what part of leave us alone do you do not understand?".  We both sent him an email in response a few days ago but have not seen a reply.  He may have blocked us in email too. We don't know what to do.  We have a 9-month granddaughter that we saw once when she was 10 days old.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sad mom in MN
Everything you describe will resonate here - especially those of us with BPD in-laws. Until we have a extensive knowledge of the symptoms and signs of BPD, it is like walking through a minefield. Everything is so irrational; you are accused of saying/doing things that you have not said or done; every attempt to try to reset things is misinterpreted.

Being an in-law is particularly difficult in that there will be a deep resentment of the bond between the partner and his/her family.

The core issue is that the BPD person needs to feel that the partner has their whole attention - anything (real or imaginary) can be interpreted as abandonment.

The other issue is that the partner becomes piggy in the middle.  You have experienced the anger of the bpd person on the phone - you son will walk a tightrope to keep his young family as a working unit (DIL will also most likely act this way with anyone else she feels is a threat to her relationship with your son).

There are no easy answers - or even difficult ones to be honest! All I can suggest is what I have learnt though my experience and reading others' experiences.

I have found that the more you engage with a bpd person over something, the more difficult and irrational it becomes. In your case it seems to have got to a point where there is an explicit 'leave us alone'.  To be honest I would never be sure if this email was sent by your son or by DIL. BPD people need to control everything.

There are many people here who share a similar situation to yourselves - and the pain and distress is really terrible. It is early days and perhaps your son will find a way to make things work once he has experienced the reality of the gap in his life.

I hope that this will be the case - and in the meantime this is a good place to read others' 'in-law' posts, to learn about BPD and to develop some skills on interacting with BPD people (quite a challenge!)

[Rev]

Hi Sadmom

Welcome!  Sorry you are here. Happy you have found us.  Glad you have had the opportunity to vent.   

I hear you naming a wedge being driven between you and your son.  And I hear you saying that you fear for your son.  And having been with someone who continually put wedges between myself and my family, I can empathize. I hope that I am not projecting my story on to yours.

Before I say more, maybe you might help me know how to listen specifically with your motivations in mind?

What led you here? What are your "best hopes" in being here?  Maybe these the answers to these questions have not yet crystalized - and that's okay. It's part of the healing process.

Hope this is helpful.

Mostly, I just wanted to say welcome. You're among friends. Lots of wisdom. Zero judgement.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev