Reintroduction

[Kayclan]

I have returned after over a year ago,maybe 2. I am now seeking professional help for myself. A family member is staying in my house who has BPD traits. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Sometimes I can't relax and motivation has plummeted and depression worsened, like my energy has been sapped out of me.

[livednlearned]

Hi Kayclan, welcome back. Is your sibling back after moving away, or have you been living together throughout the pandemic? It's great you have professional help for support, something that can be hard to find these days, at least where I live. It's amazing how much a family member's BPD traits can impact us, triggering depression and other mental health issues of our own. I survived a BPD sibling, then married/divorced someone with BPD, only to end up re-marrying a wonderful man whose adult daughter has BPD. Things are getting better now that she doesn't live with us, but when she did I remember feeling two things: that I was a prisoner in my own home when she was there, and that I was living in her home.

When she lived with us I was in therapy twice a week trying to manage the strain. One time I simply saw her car pull up outside the house and panicked. I grabbed my things and ran into the garage, waiting until I heard her enter the house before opening the garage door so I could leave without interacting with her. It ended up taking so long for the garage door to open, and because she could hear it, she must've raced through the house and ran out to stop me, trying to open the passenger door as I was backing down the driveway. Who does that? But that I thought, look at who I've become. I'm fleeing this person.

Her reason for running out the door was to tell me she was lightheaded and dizzy and couldn't be alone because she might faint. But she just ran through the house ... and before that she drove her car home. I used to wonder if she was on the autism spectrum, but one therapist I saw said that she seemed to have a sophisticated sensibility when it came to manipulating social situations, even if she herself was socially very awkward. I researched the comorbidity to see if anything fit but I think sometimes it's best to focus on ourselves so we can understand why setting boundaries is so challenging.

Anyway, I can relate to the feelings you mention about living with someone who has BPD traits. I used to dismiss advice about taking care of myself because it seemed so small in comparison to the issues I was managing, but looking back I can see it was actually the most important advice. My therapist gave me this image of filling my cup and only when it was filled would I do xyz with or for my stepdaughter. If my cup was half empty, my job was to focus on something that filled it. For a while that meant locking my bedroom door and meditating, or reading, etc. Or leaving the house, or making plans with my husband so we could have time alone. I had to take baby steps because it wasn't in my nature to put my needs first. Small successes helped me work up to medium size things, then to bigger ones. I would say we've had a reset but I'm not sure that would've happened if we still lived together.

A lot of the advice here is spot on and works, but it's definitely much harder if you feel depleted and depressed. Are you finding some relief now that you have professional support?

[Kayclan]

We are still in the same house.
I have been to the therapist twice now. It has given me a small ray of hope. I'm learning how to deal with difficult conversation to begin with.

[Kayclan]

Thanks @livednlearned.
Your story has resonated with me, similar feelings especially the feeling like a prisoner in your own home. I fantasize about living on my own again. I keeps me going.
I'm finding it hard to get through my daily tasks and cant see the psychologist for another 3 weeks. 
Mostly it's peaceful here, as in no dramas, but I just need my own space.

[livednlearned]

Do you have any privacy at all while living with your sibling?

[Kayclan]

Do you have any privacy at all while living with your sibling?

My place is quite small but 2 bedrooms.
To get absolute privacy I have to go into my bedroom and close the door. I also like gardening so that is my happy place.