Worry about my Grandkids

[Lorax65]

I have a 29 year old daughter with BPD  ( NPD possibly too) who won’t get help. I supervise my 2 grandkids for schooling (6 and 7 year olds) we live in a small isolated village (not together though)
She is very unpredictable, needy, impulsive, verbally abusive and controlling. I worry about when/if the children are better off without her. I am the only family that would take over care and I am not really in a position to do that, which would mean state care. In so many ways she’s a great Mum and they are well cared for, but I worry for their mental health and hate to see them walking on eggshells around her. She has been here in my small village for a year now and I’m feeling so drained.
It’s so hard to have hope for her future when she is so adamant nothing can help her. She has got caught up in conspiracy theories and alternative ideas. In the past I have bailed her out repeatedly financially, but had to quit my job to teach the children, so put a stop on giving her money. She now has huge debts from impulsive online shopping for clothes she doesn’t even wear and refuses to sell. She also has a eating disorder and is very thin. I am now speaking to a councillor and reading lots of books which is really helping me, but feeling very fearful of her future. I find it so hard that other people don’t understand. They just think she’s a selfish person that exaggerates/lies and she knows what’s she’s doing or she should just get medication. I am sad that she seems doomed to be unhappy

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

I feel your pain.  You need to be emotionally there for them, and you need to be worried and concerned.

Set boundaries on abuse and control in addition to the one you have already set on money.  A good book on being a caretaker of a BPD is:  Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - I checked a copy out at my local library.

Reassure your daughter and grandchildren that you will be there for them.  Tell them they can come over any time (especially if they are in walking distance or can take public transport).  You need to provide emotional stability in their lives if your daughter allows it.  Provide inexpensive home cooked meals if you can.

Do not J.A.D.E.  [Judge, Argue, Defend, and/or Explain] when they are irrational -- only do this if they ask you to.  Do, be reassuring, do be supportive (if they accept it), and always be truthful (in a kind way).

My daughter has AN (Anorexia Nervosa) which is a common comorbidity of BPD (a little less than 1/4 of women with BPD also have AN).  If AN is left unchecked, it is actually the most lethal of all disorders (around 11% by starvation) than BPD (less than 8% by suicide) which is the 2nd most lethal.  Your grandchildren are 5x more likely to acquire BPD as it is both considered hereditary and environmental - both are present in your situation.

My mother-in-law figured out what high calorie desserts my daughter likes (pies), and fixes her at least two generous servings per week to keep the weight on - and it is working.  You might want to do the same as being extremely underweight is actually far more dangerous than someone who is morbidly obese.

To learn more about BPD, I recommend the following book:  Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger