My ex had me arrested

[Sim84]

Hi Guys, I'm new to this forum, and really need as much knowledge as I can get. My Ex had me arrested, I was released without charge, then she took out a restraining order which my 3 children and her as the protected parties. For 6 months I was on supervised visits with an agency, for 3 months my parents were allowed to supervise and now she has made more allegations and I have not seen my kids for 4 weeks. She was with a new partner weeks after separation and she has been telling the children i'm not their real dad and that I hate them. The kids are not in the best state of mind, my 7 year old threatened to kill himself at a visit, its absolutley heartbreaking for me, my parents and her Father who she doesnt talk to anymore. Her mother did the exact same thing to her father and it is actually scary how similar the situations are. We have both been interviewed by forensic psyc, and the questions I was asked seemed to be like the dr suspected my ex has BPD. For some reason the report has not been published, and I was told it would be done 6 weeks ago. It seems as though no one can give me answers on when the report will publish, so I'm not sure what is going on here. If she is diagnosed and loses the kids what would be her expected reaction, can she be helped? Her and the kids live with her mother, and I believe her mother is the real danger. Another concern I have is if this goes on much longer how both my mental health and my childrens mental health will be affected. Any advice, or insight into what i'm dealing with here would be greatly appreciated.

[BigOof]

Hi Sim84,

Your story is par for the course here. All the accusations and "abuse of process" is deliberately designed to build a wall between you and your children. She is engaging in very extreme all-or-nothing thinking (typical of BPD).

If you have a daughter, the next accusation will be child sexual abuse. Get a body camera and wear it at all times with your children. They cost $80 on Amazon and are a lot cheaper than lawyers trying to exonerate you on he-said/she-said lies.

Read:

1) Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
2) Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce

It isn't illegal to have a personality disorder, and so don't push this in court. Focus on her behavior and how it damages the kids.

You may wish to sue her for the costs associated with the arrest and TRO if you can prove they're fabricated events.

BigOof

[alterK]

Sim, your situation is likely to get more complicated before it straightens out, so be prepared. Don't go it alone! You need a lawyer, and one who is familiar with high-conflict separations.

Bill Eddy, a social worker turned lawyer, has a number of other books out, in addition to the ones Oof recommends. A lawyer will cost you, but better to spend the money up front, as picking up the pieces later on will be even more expensive. It's especially hard if you're in jail!

You will find encouragement and fellow-feeling here on the forum, but you need expert advice negotiating your very difficult relationship.

[ForeverDad]

My then-spouse did as yours did, she filed allegations and sought protection from me and naturally included our preschooler.  (There was a Threat of DV case pending against her and I already had a TPO against her.)  Since it was ex parte a hearing was scheduled within a couple weeks.  Meanwhile a CPS worker interviewed me and when we had the hearing he literally stood up and stated "We have No concerns."  Our son was immediately removed from the temp order.

I am concerned that for 6 or 9 months you were limited to supervised visitation.  On what basis did the court and any professionals supervising see a need to continue the supervision?  Did you have legal representation?

now she has made more allegations and I have not seen my kids for 4 weeks.

How can there be more allegations if you've been supervised this whole time?  I suspect she's doing what my Ex did then, "My son told me..."  You're right, the longer the kids are away from your parenting, the more likely she'll crush their love for you and their honesty about you as a good stable parent as well.

Note that additional allegations were predictable, looking back.  She saw her first allegations working for many months, surely more allegations would punish you more and leave her in control even longer, so there was nothing to lose and everything to gain in her mind.  My ex made allegations through two years of divorce and at least another year or so after my final decree.

Do you have an experienced lawyer to advocate for you?