I seek advice about my partner who is seperated from his BPD wife

[artfullyplayed]

Hello, i'm a 28(F) dating for 6 months a 39(M), he has been separated for 2 years from his wife that suffers from BPD, he described what he went through an ad the amount of mental and physical abuse he got . he left the apartment with almost everything he owns there but kept financially covering for everything as he is the main provider, he left the city he lived in and after 1 year and a half, we met. I love him and I believe he does too, but the fact that he is still legally married and pushing away the divorce papers and the fact that he still says that he cares for her and is still helping her financially which I understand at first but that makes a bit scared of any changing situation. I'm also afraid of her reaction if she knows he has a girlfriend and wants to start the divorce procedure as I see him trying to walk on eggshells with her, I'm also thinking of his reaction if she snaps out or something as he is still living with the trauma. I have read a little about this condition and I don't know what to do in this situation, I tried to talk with him but it feels like he says he would do something but does not act and pretend to have too much pressure from his job, they still message each other and he still sends her money, I don't know if he is refusing subconsciously to cut the ties with her as he is still afraid she would self-harm herself or something and bringing up this subject always start a fight. I need some advice is there any way I could help him or should I step out of this?as he is still saying that the individual that abused him was someone else and he finds reasons to step out and help her everytime she needs.

[arjay]

I need some advice is there any way I could help him or should I step out of this?

Firstly, I am not sure you posted in the correct area. From your words you are questioning "staying-or-leaving", though you posted in "Bettering or Reversing a Breakup".  Having said that, my feedback is based on your words that included "can I help him or should I step out of this".

Let's go over what you posted:

He's is 10+ older than you and is currently married (though separated)
His wife suffers from BPD
He continues to postpone the divorce even after two years, because he worries about his wife's mental health
Says he still "cares" for her
Admits he has issues with trauma
He is clearly deep in FOG with his wife and walking-on-eggshells. (As a note, take some time to read how long it takes people to heal from these relationships, when the partner has BPD)
He seems to procrastinate moving forward in general

I can speak from experience here as a male, whose ex-wife was BPD.  The healing process involved extended counseling; complete NC; reading recommend books; posting and reading here (2-years total for me, in this process).  During that time I did begin dating, but nothing serious (I was damaged and it wasn't fair to anybody).

If your daughter had posted what you did, what would you advise?   You are young and just venturing out.  Do you really want to start out your life toting around an enormous "millstone", that belongs to somebody else?  The choice is really up to you and only you.

All the best

[maxsterling]

Couple of questions:

1) Do they have kids together?
2) what is his financial obligation so support her?
3)  Does he have a therapist or counselor?  If not is he open to the idea?

[ForeverDad]

I will consider his situation as still attached to his spouse even though separated.  He hasn't fully let her go.  Typically, when ending a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD), it has to be ended, not just held at arms length or in hiatus.  When BPD is a factor it is exceedingly difficult to end things and be friends thereafter.

Sounds like you could be in a variation of a 'rebound' relationship?  If he can't end the marriage then he may be unable to give you full attention and commitment any time soon.  It often is fraught with problems.

As maxsterling asked, if he has children with her, then he would still be a father to them and should parent them as much as possible but the marriage (adult relationship) needs to be over.

A final thought.  He described his separated wife as having BPD.  You only have his word for it since he is your only source of information.  Before things progress too far it would be best to have independent confirmation.

[maxsterling]

My BPDW's mom also had BPD (both have been diagnosed as such).  W's parents were divorced when W was about 4 or 5.  I'm told that my FIL supported his BPD ex for years afterwards, financially, helping out with legal issues, etc.  Part of this was that he was a generous man, and the woman he was helping was the mother of his children.  Part of it was this was at a time when fathers rarely were awarded full custody after a divorce, and supporting his ex was one way to help his daughters have a better life.  But his occasional support for her was a point of contention between him and his next wife for many years.  His 2nd wife even brought it up as he lay dying. 

Unless there are children or something else between them, it is only his unwillingness (or fear) to let go that maintains his relationship with her.  pwBPD are usually excellent manipulators and prey upon people's desire to help those in need.  They are difficult relationships to break.  Maybe worth mentioning, but my W tells me stories of multiple exes that "suddenly disappeared" and quit talking to her.  I've seen friends do that to her, too.  They suddenly quit responding to her messages and disappear.  I suspect these people recognized the toxic relationship, and that is the only way they could end it. 

[artfullyplayed]

Couple of questions:

1) Do they have kids together?
2) what is his financial obligation so support her?
3)  Does he have a therapist or counselor?  If not is he open to the idea?


1) they don't have kids together
2) he is sending her money every month as a way for him not to be involved in her situation
3) yes he does
last time she told him she could not go to the phone company to cancel her internet connection that is still under her name , because she does not have time with work and told him she is still in deep trouble but did not want to tell him what .

[ForeverDad]

Good that there are no custody issues, that removes basis for so much of the divorce conflict.

What's left, besides his inclination not to let her stand on her own two feet?

His ex said he can't cancel her internet account since it is in her name.  That is correct.  But that doesn't mean he has to pay for it.

Divorce settles what is his responsibility and what isn't.  It "ends" his relationship and responsibility.  If they have shared (joint) ownership of anything, whether house, vehicle titles, credit accounts, bank accounts, doesn't matter, divorce is the way to handle all that.  Then he can and should walk away from that.

If he can't let her go and choose you going forward, then sadly you know where you stand.

I heard this secondhand during the years.  My ex's sister had a boyfriend, had two kids with him and still he didn't divorce his wife.  Talk about straddling two lives.  Yes, eventually years later he did divorce and they did marry.  Was it for love?  No, because, as I heard it, it was when they wanted to purchase a house.  A house was the motivation?

[artfullyplayed]

Good that there are no custody issues, that removes basis for so much of the divorce conflict.

What's left, besides his inclination not to let her stand on her own two feet?

His ex said he can't cancel her internet account since it is in her name.  That is correct.  But that doesn't mean he has to pay for it.

Divorce settles what is his responsibility and what isn't.  It "ends" his relationship and responsibility.  If they have shared (joint) ownership of anything, whether house, vehicle titles, credit accounts, bank accounts, doesn't matter, divorce is the way to handle all that.  Then he can and should walk away from that.

If he can't let her go and choose you going forward, then sadly you know where you stand.

I heard this secondhand during the years.  My ex's sister had a boyfriend, had two kids with him and still he didn't divorce his wife.  Talk about straddling two lives.  Yes, eventually years later he did divorce and they did marry.  Was it for love?  No, because, as I heard it, it was when they wanted to purchase a house.  A house was the motivation?

Well the internet was in his name in their previous common house he cancelled but needed her to go and take the paper to the post since now they live far away, he left the house and left her everything, he does not want to have anything back, he was living with the bare minimum because he was paying everything to her because she was not able to work. now that he asked her about the internet and told him she is not feeling okay and asked him to not talk to her because of that, he feels trapped and does not how to approach the divorce procedure, I feel like she is feeling him away now that he is reducing his financial help and cancelling every common subscription they had so she is brining this back to that he won't move on .

[ForeverDad]

Has he done the basic groundwork, getting interviews with a few lawyers so he gets an idea of what is required to *end* the marriage rather than it *drag* on and on?  Legal consultations are inexpensive and sometimes free.

He may be dreading dealing with it but part of the job of a good, experienced lawyer is to walk a person through the process so it gets done with the least stress and mess.

If he really cares about you he should be willing to get it done, once it is brought to his attention that it is impacting you and your relationship.  You deserve that much.

[artfullyplayed]

Has he done the basic groundwork, getting interviews with a few lawyers so he gets an idea of what is required to *end* the marriage rather than it *drag* on and on?  Legal consultations are inexpensive and sometimes free.

He may be dreading dealing with it but part of the job of a good, experienced lawyer is to walk a person through the process so it gets done with the least stress and mess.

If he really cares about you he should be willing to get it done, once it is brought to his attention that it is impacting you and your relationship.  You deserve that much.

This is what I requested from him as a way to start the process,I know that's a long process but I wanted to see him starting something, he said he has to file his taxes for the previous years with her before,I asked he start to look for a lawyer almost two months ago he did not search yet.