Kids' teacher, again.

[maxsterling]

This morning W sent a very angry reply to the kids' teacher.  There was a valid reason to be upset - the teacher did not tell us how S5 performed on a test, and we had to ask.  We only knew to ask because she did tell us how twin D5 did on the same test. 

One of the things that has caused issues in my r/s is that W wants immediate responses for things that are not urgent.  In this case, it was not an emergency to respond to the teacher 5 minutes before the kids had to leave for school.  Yet, the phone is in her hand and she typed off an immediate angry response even before I knew the teacher had sent anything.  It took her hours and several pills to calm down. 

Her response made the teacher cry.  Ruined her day.  The kids witnessed it.  W says she feels bad about it now, but still justifies her anger.  This type of quick response in anger had cost W at least two dozen relationships over the last 5 years, and considerable grief for me and for the kids. 

She talked to a friend today who reminded her that it is normal to feel upset by the lack of communication from the teacher, but maybe she should wait to respond to things like that.  That's the same advice I have tried to give for years.   I wish there was a setting/app that limits the amount of characters you can type in a response until after a certain time - so maybe you can respond with 50 characters only during the first hour, then unlimited after that.  That gives people a chance to calm down and consider their words.  Of course with W, she would probably use that hour to get angrier and formulate an even meaner response. 

I don't know what to do here.  On one hand - I see the r/s W has with others as her business.  But in this case, the r/s is with the kid's teacher and W's attitude affects them.  I feel responsibility to manage this in some way, like it is my job to keep the vitriol from the teacher in order to ensure my kids get a decent education. 

[GaGrl]

This appears to be a situation that should be escalated to either a school counselor or administrator. Perhaps you can start by looping in a counselor?

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with GaGrl's answer with looping in the counselor and/or administrator.

I will only add, that you should document, document, document, everything.  All interactions, and negative responses.  You will never know when you need this information if and when it escalates.

[Notwendy]

It is possible the teacher may have hesitated to talk to your wife about the child's test because he was underperforming and fearful about how she'd respond so she presented the good news first?

Perhaps the teacher is also walking on eggshells with your wife?

[maxsterling]

This appears to be a situation that should be escalated to either a school counselor or administrator. Perhaps you can start by looping in a counselor?

W did contact the assistant principal and counselor - basically to complain.  They are "looped in".

[maxsterling]

It is possible the teacher may have hesitated to talk to your wife about the child's test because he was underperforming and fearful about how she'd respond so she presented the good news first?

Perhaps the teacher is also walking on eggshells with your wife?

I find this likely.  And sad.   The teacher is very young, only her second year out of school and seems to be really trying.  She knows W has a master's in education and has a forceful and confrontational personality.  W rants about the "poor communication" from nearly everyone - myself, my family, her friends, businesses, doctors.  I think that any time I have agreed that someone else's lack of communication has been "unreasonable" in a broad sense, it is reasonable if I consider that the other person may mulling over a response because they don't want to step on eggs.  In the case of businesses, I suspect there are delays because people want to consult with managers or legal staff prior to responding to W.    I suspect the same for the teacher - she consulted with admin prior to response to W, and W was enraged by the delay.

[ForeverDad]

Try your best to be the parent with solutions.  By now the school knows there are problems in this family, do try not to let them believe you both are problems nor that you're enabling/defending her.

Typically a school cannot pick and choose the students.  They're stuck with the kids in their districts, so the deciding factor is often where the parents (or residential parent) live.  So they won't complain about something they can't change by much.

I have written about this many times over the years.  My divorce decree was issued near the end of my son's first year in school - kindergarten.  Previously mother had temp custody and temp majority time, so he attended the school in her area.  School even stated that they had nothing to report to the court, prior incidents were resolved, when the divorce trial was looming.  Then I became the residential parent.  At first school let me file for him to stay until the end of the school year.  But she continued creating incidents, both for the school and my daycare for after school.  With only 5 weeks left before summer break, I was notified over the phone that the board had decided I had one day to register our son in my school district.  One day.  They denied my prior application for open enrollment... because now they could, in effect, kick out the problem parent.

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with Forever Dad.  By the cool, calm one with non-judgmental answers and solutions -- take the high road -- make yourself the preferred person that the school wants to deal with.  Let the school see your W for who she is.  True borderlines wear their emotions on their sleeve and operate without a filter on their tongue.  If this escalates, you will want the school system to be on your side, even though they are directed to deal with both parents.

[Notwendy]

Imagine it's difficult to tell any parent that their child might be having behavioral issues or delays, and probably even more difficult if the parent is disordered.

You can be the reasonable parent by understanding that the school identifies these kinds of things in order to get the child the help they may need and agree to what they recommend if your child needs that help.

Your decision is to decide who to protect the most. Do you protect your wife from the scrutiny of the school your child is in and side with her against them, or do you decide to agree with the school that your kids may need some help and let them get that help.

[SaltyDawg]

NotWendy brings up a very good point.

IMHO, it is best to protect the interest of the child who did not ask to be in this situation, especially if you are not living with your unreasonable parent.  However, it is more like walking on hand-grenades [versus eggshells] when doing this navigation if you guys are still living together then you need to weigh your options much more carefully -- in any event I would put priority on the child so he/she to insulate them from their own issues when they become an adult.

[Notwendy]

I would put priority on the child so he/she to insulate them from their own issues when they become an adult.

To add to this- parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves so any statement that the child may need assistance in school may be seen to them as an insult. Their child can't have anything wrong with them as they can't either.

But the child is their own individual and each child develops at their own pace. It's about them, not the parents. If your child needs something like speech therapy, or assistance with a learning delay, then it's important that they get the help they need with it. I hope you will be able to support the school in providing services to your children.

[maxsterling]

In my case W actually wants to get the kids services and accommodations and is actively advocating for it.  Her issue is more that the school seems less responsive than she wants.  I think she wants the kids to have services as validation that the problems are neurological/biological and in no way reflective on her.  She already labels the kids as "special needs" in her own brain, even though no other professional, therapist, or school has specifically made that determination.  I have no problem with the kids receiving services so long as a professional makes that determination.

My opinion differs in that the kids' issues could also easily be explained by having a disordered mother.  When S5 acts out, he acts out in the same ways he has seen his mother act out.  When D5 whines and acts helpless and bosses her brother around, she is behaving in ways she has observed her mothing acting.  Likewise, the kids' lack of motivation at times and lack of responsiveness could be due to them observing me and how I react to W's behavior.  The kids literally walk on eggshells around W in similar ways that I have. 

I have difficult decisions going forward:  Do I actively go behind Ws back to give the school a different narrative now?  Maybe I just make sure I am actively in the communication loop and wait for the school's direction.  Of course, if they ask for my observations, I will not lie to protect W.  At some point the school will come to us - it feels inevitable at this point.  S5's behaviors are alarming - he is already starting to self-harm and talk about self-harming.  At some point the school is going to talk to us about this. Do I wait for them or be proactive myself?  And when they inevitably do talk to us about it, do I ask that they talk to me separately?

[SaltyDawg]

When S5 acts out, he acts out in the same ways he has seen his mother act out.  When D5 whines and acts helpless and bosses her brother around, she is behaving in ways she has observed her mothing acting.  Likewise, the kids' lack of motivation at times and lack of responsiveness could be due to them observing me and how I react to W's behavior.
Monkey see, monkey do -- that is the way my children were behaving.  Getting that corrected in Therapy, and giving my son tools to deal with the W's behavior, once I got it figured out, the correction was within two months and that was after 2 years with my wife's distorted narrative.

Do I actively go behind Ws back to give the school a different narrative now?
That is a tough question to answer if you guys are living together, as you will have to deal with the consequences if she finds out, and that is pretty high if you let administrators know.  However, with my son's T [not attached to the school], I did go behind my wife's back to share my observations, shifted gears and my son's progress went from impulse speed [super slow] to warp speed [very fast].  If you are dealing with a school T, I would say yes, if an administrator where CPS gets involved, it can get  up very quickly.  Discern where this information would be most helpful for your child, and apply it using wise mind.

Maybe I just make sure I am actively in the communication loop and wait for the school's direction.
In my unprofessional opinion, this is what I would do if I was in your shoes when your wife is present.  See my answer above, if your W is not present.

Of course, if they ask for my observations, I will not lie to protect W.
Never lie, you don't want to soil your reputation, especially if it gets escalated.  Also, you want what is in your child's best interest.

At some point the school will come to us - it feels inevitable at this point.  S5's behaviors are alarming - he is already starting to self-harm and talk about self-harming.  At some point the school is going to talk to us about this. Do I wait for them or be proactive myself?  And when they inevitably do talk to us about it, do I ask that they talk to me separately?
If he is cutting himself now, you need to act now.  Seek out therapists in your area as soon as you can, your local county mental health department would be a good place to start, if you don't know ask the schools guidance counselor.  The more you can document that you are proactive, the better it will be for you and your child.

[Turkish]

S5's behaviors are alarming - he is already starting to self-harm and talk about self-harming.  At some point the school is going to talk to us about this. Do I wait for them or be proactive myself?

Max, this is extremely alarming. He's not an "emo" teen or tween (where it would still be alarming), but Five years old. This isn't unknown for kids under 10, and is a crisis, especially after covid. If the school gets involved, CPS may get involved and then you'll lose a lot of power to do anything to help your kids.

What can you do that is proactive? Who else outside of your family knows that your son is self harming?

[Notwendy]

My opinion differs in that the kids' issues could also easily be explained by having a disordered mother. 

The kids literally walk on eggshells around W in similar ways that I have. 

I have difficult decisions going forward.

S5's behaviors are alarming - he is already starting to self-harm and talk about self-harming. 

Max, I think you have a difficult decision but it's not just about the school. The major influence on your children is what goes on at home. School has a part but a smaller one. No school or teacher can "fix" or undo what goes on at home for a child. Schools services are aimed at academic interventions- and some behavioral issues that may impact their learning in the classroom- but then the child goes home to their parents and schools can't fix that.

If you have children who are walking on eggshells around your wife, and self harming, and acting out at school, then the problem isn't at school. It's what is going on at home.

Your concern is whether or not to be honest with the school, or to choose to protect your wife from the school's inquiry. This dilemma is about who to protect- your kids or your wife? While you are wondering what to do if the scales tip at school and they need to intervene, but what about at home?

[maxsterling]

If he is cutting himself now, you need to act now.  Seek out therapists in your area as soon as you can, your local county mental health department would be a good place to start, if you don't know ask the schools guidance counselor.  The more you can document that you are proactive, the better it will be for you and your child.

He is not cutting.  He will start banging his head into the wall, and he will say that he is going to go bang his head into the wall and die.  The kids have a therapist.  I did bring this up with T on my own, and she said that this is alarming, but at this stage his motivations are different than an older child doing this. 

The school is aware of this behavior.  Frankly I am surprised that CPS has not been involved yet.  At some point (hopefully soon after winter break) we are supposed to have a meeting with the teacher, assistant principal, school social worker, and the kids' T. 

[SaltyDawg]

It sounds like that you are doing what you should be doing.

I would strongly suggest, if you aren't doing this already keep a detailed journal. 

If it is old school pen and paper make sure the book you are writing in is bound [not loose leaf] so you cannot add pages later on.

If you are doing it digitally, e-mail yourself once per day with a date/time stamp.  Use one of the free e-mail services like hotmail/outlook/gmail as they built to track date/time/etc. and you cannot forge a date, they have built-in safeguards originally intended to entrap pedophiles; however, in this case, you are entrapping your wife's behavior.  The more documentation that you have that you are doing the right thing, the better off it will be for you, even if you never have to use this documentation.

Record the meeting if possible -- ask first when meeting with the school officials -- if you can't take copious notes in a bound journal.  In any event do record anything that you and your wife say when you are alone with her, that way if her narrative changes it will be obvious to whomever is reviewing it whether that is the therapist, or a judge.

[KBug]

Former teacher and current education professor here. You and your children are in a tough position. My heart goes out to all of you. I have some initial thoughts that I will share with the understanding that I do not fully understand what's going on.

In my case W actually wants to get the kids services and accommodations and is actively advocating for it.  Her issue is more that the school seems less responsive than she wants.  I think she wants the kids to have services as validation that the problems are neurological/biological and in no way reflective on her.  She already labels the kids as "special needs" in her own brain, even though no other professional, therapist, or school has specifically made that determination.  I have no problem with the kids receiving services so long as a professional makes that determination.
Kids who have been traumatized and exhibit concerning academic and social behaviors and outcomes also can qualify for special education services. It doesn't have to be neurological/biological. Your wife is opening up a huge can of worms here and risking exposing herself because the school will engage in an in-depth case history. Based on what you have told us about her interactions with the school, an astute educator may already have suspicions about your wife's role in the children's difficulties. A program that focuses on social emotional learning might be really helpful for your children but your wife may not like it as they develop coping skills to deal with her abuse. They may start to recognize from what they learn about emotional regulation for themselves, that she is not well emotionally regulated. This may cause conflict between her and the children. Most programs for children with emotional issues are now integrating social emotional learning concepts and skills into their curriculum.

I have difficult decisions going forward:  Do I actively go behind Ws back to give the school a different narrative now?  Maybe I just make sure I am actively in the communication loop and wait for the school's direction.  Of course, if they ask for my observations, I will not lie to protect W.  At some point the school will come to us - it feels inevitable at this point.  S5's behaviors are alarming - he is already starting to self-harm and talk about self-harming. 
I feel a storm brewing in your family and you will have to make some difficult decisions. From what you are saying so far, I think you know this too but are afraid of facing it (I would be too). Your wife is abusing your children and it's hurting them. My husband's exW has BPD and she emotionally and verbally abused the kids and him for years. They all suffered deeply with their mental health. He developed C-PTSD and an addiction problem (in long term recovery now), the two daughters developed BPD and one son developed anxiety and depression. My husband was terrified to challenge her because he knew that she would do everything she could to keep the kids away from him. When he finally left her, she engaged in deep parental alienation. He was too afraid to challenge her because he felt at her mercy to get access to the kids. The 2 boys eventually came back around to him once they went off to college and weren't under her thumb. He lost his two daughters but so has the ex. Going behind your wife's back to tell the school the truth may bring in Child Protective Services. I think that telling the truth will start the ball rolling toward helping your children get the support they need and break the cycle of abuse but it's going to come at a high cost. How would you feel about talking to a therapist about this situation and how best to handle it? This is really complicated and you want to protect your children. You need to work with someone with a deep understanding of family systems and BPD to help to navigate all of this in a way that will be most supportive of your children. I suggest for now that you go alone and probably without your wife's knowledge. She's likely to sabotage therapy if she goes with you. If it's not already happening, your kids need to go to therapy, too.  You should take them. My H's exW used to take our kids and she would hijack the sessions to talk about how horrible the kids were. She insisted in going into the sessions with them to control the narrative. The kids would be in trouble for saying the truth and they often ended up being gaslit by their mom. I have no idea why a therapist would tolerate this...

At some point the school is going to talk to us about this. Do I wait for them or be proactive myself?  And when they inevitably do talk to us about it, do I ask that they talk to me separately?
I would be pro-active in talking to them. You will be in a better position if CPS gets involved if you talk to the school first rather than them coming to ask you. You don't want them to think that you are hiding anything. If they have interacted with both you and your W, they will have a sense of who she is and who you are.

[Notwendy]

Kbug has given some wise advice.

I think your choice comes down to who to protect: your wife's feelings or your children. Protecting your wife's feelings and self image will depend on keeping her issues as confidential as possible. To continue to do this will require that you compromise your children's well being. Protecting your children requires being open about the situation, and this will go against your wife's wishes.

This choice is difficult because you care about both, and you wish you could have both. No doubt you have done a lot to protect your children and you have done the best you can in a tough situation. But as KBug said, your wife's mental condition is not good for them. They are showing signs of this.

[SaltyDawg]

Kbug,

   Thank you for sharing your insight so much from the view of the educator.  In addition to talking to directly to Max, I felt your words talking to me too and I have gained additional clarity in my own situation which I will highlight now, for Max's benefit and potentially more insight to my own situation.

   Fortunately for me my situation it isn't quite as severe as Max's situation as both of my children are straight-A students and are 'flying under the RADAR' since they are both overachievers in the academic sense.  The school system is aware our daughter's AN, and our son's behavior issues.  Fortunately he is in one of the two schools in the county specifically earmarked for the pyramid students, he is in the main stream portion of the school; however, all the educators are trained in managing the pyramid students as they try to integrate the pyramid students into the mainstream.  90% of the pyramid kids are children from broken homes and with some love can easily be mainstreamed.

   My D is sixteen and has controlled her grades to being valedictorian every year since the 2nd grade.  She is currently a sophomore taking senior honors classes and will be a freshmen in college next year.  She will simultaneously graduate from college and high school at the same time in 2025.  She has also telegraphed her intent to estrange both my wife and me as soon as she graduates.  She was in hospital for months for her AN, and even though she fought all of the T's, a lot of it has stuck and has given her tools to deal with her home life.  Right now she is rejecting all offers of T's because of this, even though she needs at least one to deal with the replacement control issue from diagnosed AN, it has been replaced with undiagnosed OCPD [8/8 symptoms] - which is great from a school and work perspective; however, it has a tremendous social cost to it.

   My S is eleven and has oppositional defiance issues.  He is too young to be diagnosed as a borderline, even though he has the borderline splitting and rages.  However, as soon as I was introduced by my own individual therapist where I might be dealing with a borderline wife, it took me 10 days to wrap my head around it, and then everything 'clicked' and she presents as a high-functioning covert borderline when she is baseline, and a more traditional one when she is triggered.  So, as soon as I shared with my son's T about my suspicions about my wife possibly being borderline, and had my son describe a borderline rage that he witnessed of her, we shifted treatment, and he made more progress in 2 months, than he did in the previous 2 years where my wife wrote the narrative.

   My wife has likely caused primary emotional damage in my children.  However, I am not without blame, due to my career choice, I was an absent father for about half my children's lives, and that was a major contributing factor.  Now, that I have retired early [knee injury, daughter's AN, and the pandemic in order to maintain medical benefits], I can see the damage that has been caused, and I am actively navigating the walking on eggshells hand grenades around her.  I am doing damage control.  I also had to stop the major abuse from happening, and that required an intervention in order to make my wife become 'self-aware' -- she is now partially 'self-aware'. 

Max,

   My suggestion to you is to come up with a plan to maneuver yourself and your children, should CPS become involved, where your wife will very much perceive that she will lose the children if she doesn't change her ways [this is what it took for my wife to change and become 'self-aware'], even though your wife will direct her anger at you initially [for months in my case]; however, if you want to 'save' your children from almost certain alienation when they become adults you need to take care of your children.  Your wife become 'self-aware' that she must change to be a part of your children's lives or she risks losing them -- she will likely get worse [triggered] before she will turn herself around [if and when that happens] or she may do something worse [didn't happen in my case, but this is possible, depending on her moral compass]. 

   If you go this route, be prepared for false allegations of child abuse [my wife threatened that, but I shut it down immediately, by calling her on the carpet with the T's with logical arguments that debunked her accusations on all 4 allegations, 3/4 were involved other mandated reporters of child abuse which did not occur, so it was easy to disprove for me - but to her it was real in her mind, and she was really convincing before I presented my counter-arguments].  You need to be strong enough emotionally to face this and stand up to your wife otherwise you will be the casualty in all of you immediate family relationships.

   It is not going to be easy.  You must get yourself your own individual T who is familiar with the borderline, if one isn't available, find one that is familiar with 'high conflict' if you haven't already done so.  I am not going to lie to you, your worst fears that I have just hinted at there is a good chance that you will likely experience too if it continues down the path it is going -- to me it is like watching a train wreck that is about to happen as the track is broken in front of you.  Get ready for false allegations, get ready for more alienation of your children, get ready for an onslaught of distorted 'truths' that you wife is likely to do, if you don't hit the e-stop on this train very soon, and hope that your actions is enough to come out with minor damage [that has already been done] instead of major damage.  Hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst -- this is my mantra through all of this insanity.

   Since this is going to be a he said/she said type scenario where no one wins, you need to record your wife's actions, so if and when it comes to the attention of the authorities, and you have no other recourse, use those video recordings to defend yourself, it will tilt it in your favor.  However, your wife will be really really pissed at you, and may divorce you [even though it doesn't seem like it now, it will be a blessing].  I couldn't divorce my wife as I am codependent from a perceived childhood abandonment [yes, I have the number one symptom of being borderline; however, it is only one I have, and you need at least 5, so I am not a borderline].  My wife is codependent as well with a good moral compass so she couldn't divorce me either -- we are stuck in a toxic relationship.

   Currently I have 4 therapists & 1 life-coach [who is borderline herself] working on my family's situation, and it is slow going.  This will require a huge amount of effort on your part, and your wife's part too in order to save your family.  The only way my wife became a part of the equation was for her to become 'self-aware'. 

   There will be a time that it will become counter-intuitive, and you will need to allow your wife to be thrown under the bus of the school's rules, so she has the chance of becoming 'self-aware' so she can make the necessary changes in her life to obtain her desired outcome of keeping the children, otherwise, this will not work.

   This was my epiphany in August, and it was implemented in September, and now it is December where I am finally seeing fruits of my efforts [and it is less than expected, but we are slowly moving in a positive direction] and my wife has become partially 'self-aware' [which took from the beginning of September until the beginning of November, two full months, just shy of 60 days].

NotWendy / KBug,

    I would greatly appreciate your opinion on my own journey as it will potentially help out Max, and will also allow me to look at myself to see if I missed anything.  I know NotWendy has been an awsome mirror to me to help me self-reflect on what I am doing to navigate my particular situation on my journey with the borderline when she contrasts her own personal experience against that of her borderline mother.

SD

[Notwendy]

To try to address how kids respond- it depends on a lot of factors- genetics, environment, a child's own natural resilience, where someone lives, what kind of support there is, and economics.

It is entirely possible for children to have few to no academic issues but that doesn't mean all is going well at home.  In my situation, there were not major academic difficulties. There were some minor school issues like not turning in homework but mostly we got good grades and the schools didn't need to inquire.

Max, you have a difficult decision. Your kids are having behavioral issues and the school is concerned. If you are open with what is going on, you will expose your wife to the scrutiny of the school and CPS and she won't be happy about that. If not, your kids continue to be exposed to her behavior.

[ForeverDad]

Max, you have a difficult decision. Your kids are having behavioral issues and the school is concerned. If you are open with what is going on, you will expose your wife to the scrutiny of the school and CPS and she won't be happy about that. If not, your kids continue to be exposed to her behavior.

As everyone has noted, there is no easy, obvious or guaranteed solution.  If it is a severe enough situation, your spouse is likely to go so far as to reject you as father when you set boundaries and make a stand for your children's needs and safety.  Why?  Because the marriage will likely be in ruins, no other choice.

It's not that you want the marriage to fail.  Likely she doesn't either.  But that is how the disorder works.  She may fear abandonment but everything she does drives you in that direction.  That's mental illness, by definition it makes no sense.

As much as you try literally everything to avoid that outcome, for many of us it too was eventually unavoidable when nothing else worked.  We understand you simply have to try everything else first.  But we're here to help support you, even if it comes to that.

Edit:  Let me explain why I wrote the above.

One day you may post here... "She just filed DV and child abuse charges against me.  The police tried to cart me off.  All this came out of left field.  All I was doing was trying to help her.  All I said was she has to stop or we'd have to divorce.  Why is she jumping the gun, divorcing me and making me look worse than her?  I'm so unprepared, why didn't I have my ducks in a row long before now?"

[Notwendy]

I imagine these posts feel threatening in a sense. From my own observations, maintaining the relationship requires sharing and supporting your wife's self image and point of view. To not do this would threaten the marriage. Questions and inquiries about your wife's behavior are seen as threats to her self image.

It becomes more of a challenge to insulate this situation as children get older, and interact with more people at school and friends' houses. Other people may become concerned. However, kids are fairly easy to control and enlist in keeping the family status quo. Kids are attached to their parents and their parents can set the example of "normal".  There were times I tried to call attention to the situation, but it was easy to explain as "teen age antics".

Although FD mentioned the possibility your wife may file for divorce and accuse you, I don't think your wife can manage on her own. My BPD mother would threaten divorce, but didn't follow through. She was dependent on my father. This doesn't mean your wife won't attempt it-or even do it, but I don't think she has the ability to carry it out to completely being on her own. There were a couple of times my mother left but she returned quickly. She didn't have a job, could not have supported herself financially.

We kids were encouraged to do well academically- a good thing- but also it helped to keep the school from wondering. Glitches were easily resolved. It became obvious at one point that my friends' mothers behaved differently than mine, but we were used to keeping my mother's behavior confidential and feared saying anything about it.

But kids grow up and eventually, they may become a threat. We left home and saw parents on occasion. We didn't see the dynamics between them much and they held it together for short visits. Then, I went to stay with them for a while to help out with Dad while he needed medical care and I saw the whole picture, from an adult perspective. I felt his health could be impacted and discussed this with his doctor- with the intent of helping, but Dad got angry and told me to stop. I even called social services to see if I could intervene, but since my father was legally competent, I could not. I also maintained boundaries for myself and my children.

I didn't realize it but in my naive attempts to help, I jumped on the triangle as "rescuer" to Dad and became persecutor to my mother, who then turned to Dad to rescue her against me and he did. My relationship with my parents is contingent on keeping this family status quo. I didn't do that and the cost was the relationship.

So far Max, your choice has been for your wife. You protect her from school notes,  you tolerate her behavior, even if it impacts you and your children.  It's a difficult situation. It's good that you are reaching out for support with this. I may be reading my own situation into this, but it seemed there was nothing that my mother could do that would change my father's decision to prioritize her. Even if I didn't agree with it- his relationship isn't my choice to decide on.

Your kids will make their own decisions. Probably the best you can do if you choose to stay with your wife is to get them counseling and support and prepare them to be independent one day through education or vocational training.