Outburst

[1LuckyDog]

My adult daughter had an outburst after I said the wrong three words to her at Christmas Dinner. It seems stupid writing this but I made garlic knots and shed had asked about marinara sauce In said I didn't have any. later at the table As we passed around the bread She refused and I said is that your issue? meaning the Marinara sauce. She got very angry ran out of the house bought marinara  Came home and had a fit about bringing up her issues.then went to her bedroom and threw all her presents down the stairs saying take them all back, I don't want them, I don't deserve them. I told her we can't talk when she is so emotional and we will discuss it later. She must have been dwelling on it all night. She was very angry at me said we had a toxic relationship. We will no longer have any relationship. She is looking for a woman's shelter and just left. What do I do? Tried being calm and not feed into her emotional state. But what do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi MaryAnnG
If it were me I would do nothing except 'greystone rock' - and try to have a calm atmosphere. She is clearly still heightened and - this is just my opinion - whatever you say or do will increase it. She will be looking for any little thing you say or do to blame you for her outburst.

At the same time she feels awful - I notice she said she doesn't deserve presents.

This is just how it works in my household. I have to quietly 'move on' from outbursts and then they pass quicker than they do if I try to do or say anything.

Thinking of you . . .

[1LuckyDog]

Thank you.
 It's hard to know if I am doing the right thing by ignoring the outbursts.

[Sancho]

Yes it is so difficult. In normal circumstances there would be consequences etc for a child so that they can learn to self regulate their emotions.

Central to BPD is that difficulty in regulating. I suppose that's where professional help comes in.

What sorts of things have you tried already?

I came to my decision to let it go after years of trying to be rational and respond to what dd was yelling at me. Eventually I saw that it made it worse and prolonged it. So I told her I was not going to respond - like you did.

The breakthrough has come by me doing it this way. DD has mentioned a couple of times how she hates herself when she explodes - and she knows now that I understand this. It has made things more relaxed.

But your dd is individual and you know her best. Trust yourself that you will respond in the best way for your dd and your situation.