I need help with boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

Oh my good God.  I have been reading and I am looking for guidance on setting boundaries with my 21-year-old BPD daughter. She was diagnosed 2 years ago when she did an out patient program at a psychiatric hospital. 

We spend a lot of time together, my husband (her dad) comes home for long weekends and works in the city during the week.  This arrangement started when she was 4, hence we have come to find out this is where her abandonment issues started.  She has an older brother and sister who are well and living healthy lives.
 
She is in therapy at least once a week, sometimes twice when her work permits.  She sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, which is not healthy and works from 4PM to 8PM as a cheer coach. 

She has taken to trying to control me. "Don't make noise while I am sleeping, don't walk in your shoes, don't dry your hair, don't talk on the phone, don't speak when I am speaking.  Accusing me of talking down to her and mocking her and going into wild rages cursing and screaming at me. Yesterday she had one of her fits and it just made me feel so deeply sad. I am now feeling abused in my own home.

I realize I have been going out of my way to bring joy into her life, to let her know she is deeply cared for. I have been cleaning her room, decorating it for Christmas, buying special presents, always encouraging and congratulating her on her achievements. 
This week has been bad, I need to set some boundaries without triggering another fit or having her feel as she says "like I don't even exist", "like I'm not a real person". 

I do not want to be attacked and I do not want her to curse at me.  I do not curse at my children or family. 

Any suggestions.  Thanks!  Happy New Year to All!

[Cocolina]

Oh my good God.  I have been reading and I am looking for guidance on setting boundaries with my 21-year-old BPD daughter. She was diagnosed 2 years ago when she did an out patient program at a psychiatric hospital. 

We spend a lot of time together, my husband (her dad) comes home for long weekends and works in the city during the week.  This arrangement started when she was 4, hence we have come to find out this is where her abandonment issues started.  She has an older brother and sister who are well and living healthy lives.
 
She is in therapy at least once a week, sometimes twice when her work permits.  She sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, which is not healthy and works from 4PM to 8PM as a cheer coach. 

She has taken to trying to control me. "Don't make noise while I am sleeping, don't walk in your shoes, don't dry your hair, don't talk on the phone, don't speak when I am speaking.  Accusing me of talking down to her and mocking her and going into wild rages cursing and screaming at me. Yesterday she had one of her fits and it just made me feel so deeply sad. I am now feeling abused in my own home.

I realize I have been going out of my way to bring joy into her life, to let her know she is deeply cared for. I have been cleaning her room, decorating it for Christmas, buying special presents, always encouraging and congratulating her on her achievements. 
This week has been bad, I need to set some boundaries without triggering another fit or having her feel as she says "like I don't even exist", "like I'm not a real person". 

I do not want to be attacked and I do not want her to curse at me.  I do not curse at my children or family. 

Any suggestions.  Thanks!  Happy New Year to All!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Outdorenthusiast]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, that must be so frustrating and challenging dealing with someone you love who is acting like that.  You do have rights as the nonBPD person.  Good education will be your best defense and you are starting in the right place.  I can.share what works for me..

Boundary Example formula: (Validate emotion through sympathy & empathy + state the truth of your boundary + consequence, and avoid abandonment trigger.)

1) Validate her feelings: Sympathize : I am sorry that my hair drying makes you upset, Empathize: It must make you really frustrated to have the noise happen when you haven’t slept well, Do not validate the action - set a Boundary Truth: the reality is we both live in this house and I need to live here too.  I don’t like when you (insert here..yelling etc) it makes me feel disrespected etc… and it needs to stop. … I am willing to compromise …(insert here I.e. not being noisy between 10pm and 6am )  but not …..(insert here I.e. 8:00am ).  The next time you (insert here…lose your temper at my hair dryer) then I will need to (insert consequence here… I.e. ask you to return to your room and shut the door etc.). 

It will take practice…. But the formula works.  S.E.T. Sympathize, Empathize, Truth.

Books I found helpful :
“Stop Walking on Eggshells”
“Talking to a loved one with a Borderline Personality Disorder”
“Loving Someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder”

There are also lots of resources and people on this board.  Keep talking - you aren’t alone.

[SaltyDawg]

We spend a lot of time together, my husband (her dad) comes home for long weekends and works in the city during the week.  This arrangement started when she was 4, hence we have come to find out this is where her abandonment issues started.  She has an older brother and sister who are well and living healthy lives.
Yikes, I know this is too little, too late, but it can help others.  This work arrangement should have changed as soon as the connection to the behavior was made, your husband should have changed his work arrangement to be home a lot more often.

She is in therapy at least once a week, sometimes twice when her work permits.  She sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, which is not healthy and works from 4PM to 8PM as a cheer coach. 
Therapy is good, do you know what kind of therapy she is receiving?  DBT is considered best for borderlines.

She has taken to trying to control me. "Don't make noise while I am sleeping, don't walk in your shoes, don't dry your hair, don't talk on the phone, don't speak when I am speaking.  Accusing me of talking down to her and mocking her and going into wild rages cursing and screaming at me. Yesterday she had one of her fits and it just made me feel so deeply sad. I am now feeling abused in my own home.
"Control" is the root of emotional abuse, you are describing emotional abuse, you need to set firm boundaries with consequences to regain some of that control.  Also, they attempt to assert control of what they can control as they cannot control their own emotions, that is just one of several paradoxes of being borderline.

Any suggestions.
Outdoorenthusiast has suggested some very good reads, I am going to add one that is a little less kind and a little less gentle, but may be necessary based on what you have described...

In addition to those books, I also recommend "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad

[Outdorenthusiast]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Couscous]

There’s a new edition of Stop Walking on Eggshells for parents:

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Parents-Personality/dp/1684038510?dplnkId=CF95C716-FAC5-4BF5-B959-19A820D6A080