Moving Forward (?)

[petulant_marsh]

My pwBPD and I have been together for 5+ years. We've gotten along really well for the most part - given my own deep issues with attachment and poor boundaries, however, we've often leaned into a codependent dynamic. About a year ago we gradually started talking about these issues and considering some small steps to improve the way we meet and address one another's needs.

Things didn't go as planned. My partner developed a romantic interest last summer and decided we should start a poly relationship. This wasn't completely out of the blue - we had discussed the possibility briefly before - but the relationship opened in a way that didn't give us time to set up a framework for how it would proceed. I was also too focused on the prospect of the relationship ending to pull the brakes and things rapidly went downhill from there. Partner got swept up in new relationships and dropped a lot of practical and financial obligations; on my end, I didn't know how to navigate an open relationship given my partner's needs and a lot of my early attempts at dating ended in extremely intense arguments.  The result was a destabilizing and unbalanced situation that was devastating to both of us on many levels.

Matters have settled a bit since the beginning of the year, but I've considered breaking up as we continue to deal with the fallout of the preceding months. My partner has admitted that she made a huge mistake in rushing into an open relationship - I feel like her regret is sincere and I try not to take a lot of what has happened personally (while still acknowledging my own perspective), but I'm also having a lot of difficulty committing to rebuilding the relationship given how ignored, diminished, and hurt I've felt over the last nine months. I'm also deeply afraid of falling back into our old dynamic and setting the stage for a situation where both of us are liable to be hurt again.

We've managed to navigate problems and grow together a lot before this whole experience, so part of me feels like I would be giving up prematurely by ending the relationship - on the other hand, I'm not sure how to proceed in a way that would work for both of us. My partner has suggested closing the relationship, at least briefly, to give us time and space to rebuild - while this makes sense rationally I'm having trouble finding the energy to go forward and to trust that things will improve. I'm honestly exhausted by the emotional and financial toll this all has taken and feel more inclined at times (albeit guiltily) to seek more space to recover from a really devastating year outside of our dynamic.

Thanks in advance, any insight or advice will be appreciated

[EZEarache]

Petulant Marsh, my advise to you is to follow your instincts. I wish I had done just this four years ago.

Instead, I tried to, "do the right thing" and wound up getting even more enmeshed with my ex-girlfriend with BPD on a lot of different levels.

Deep down, do you need space to recover?

Is taking care of yourself more important to you than staying in the relationship?

If not, why is staying in the relationship more important to you than your own financial and emotional well being? If not, is your partner at all concerned about your well being, or has she offered any sort of sincere apology for hurting you emotionally and financially?

Are you seeing a therapist to help you work through questions like these? If not I highly suggest you do. You might even want to try couples therapy. My couples therapist insisted I end my relationship or he would not treat me any more. That was an eye opener for me and really what clinched my decision to move out.

After what you described, I don't see that being in an open relationship will be healthy for you in the long run. It is doubtful that the open relationship issue will end, if that's what your BPD wants.  That's just my free advice.