Exhausted

[Exhausted56]

Please help. My 36 year old daughter has BPD and lives with me and my husband. She is a single mom and has a 6 year old son who also lives here whom we have pretty much raised since birth because she is unable to do basic daily care for him. She teases him and annoys him instead of trying to be his mom and carry out his basic needs. We try to keep him away from her as much as we possibly can and supervise her whenever she’s around him. We do what we can to give him a normal life in spite of her but she verbally abuses us and is making our lives a living hell. She lives here because she argues horribly with her latest boyfriend to the point where they are not together.  We can’t even talk in our own home because she just lost yet another job after 2 weeks there so she just sleeps, eats, argues and evesdrops on everything we say.  She acts like she hates us and says horrible things to us as well. I would have been as far away from her as I could get but there’s my grandson who without us would be like “throwing him to the wolves.” She has a psychiatrist but I don’t think she’s taking her meds as prescribed. We hesitate to see a therapist because they say to distance ourselves to keep our own sanity without considering that we CANNOT leave our grandson. I feel like we’re sacrificing what’s left of our lives to get him to the age where he can fend for himself but we’re 66 and 70 years old. I feel like we’re in prison in our own home. I hope someone out there understands why we stay and take the abuse for our grandson’s sake. Thank you for any input.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the BPD family.  We hear and understand your predicament.

Please help. My 36 year old daughter has BPD and lives with me and my husband. She is a single mom and has a 6 year old son who also lives here whom we have pretty much raised since birth because she is unable to do basic daily care for him. She teases him and annoys him instead of trying to be his mom and carry out his basic needs. We try to keep him away from her as much as we possibly can and supervise her whenever she’s around him. We do what we can to give him a normal life in spite of her but she verbally abuses us and is making our lives a living hell. She lives here because she argues horribly with her latest boyfriend to the point where they are not together.  We can’t even talk in our own home because she just lost yet another job after 2 weeks there so she just sleeps, eats, argues and evesdrops on everything we say.  She acts like she hates us and says horrible things to us as well. I would have been as far away from her as I could get but there’s my grandson who without us would be like “throwing him to the wolves.” She has a psychiatrist but I don’t think she’s taking her meds as prescribed. We hesitate to see a therapist because they say to distance ourselves to keep our own sanity without considering that we CANNOT leave our grandson. I feel like we’re sacrificing what’s left of our lives to get him to the age where he can fend for himself but we’re 66 and 70 years old. I feel like we’re in prison in our own home. I hope someone out there understands why we stay and take the abuse for our grandson’s sake. Thank you for any input.

I understand your predicament fully.  I am a father married to a uBPDw with two children.  I am staying for the children and putting myself through hell to do it.  I am also there to help my wife too as she is the mother of my children, if she is willing to accept it; however, my primary motivation is for the children.

Short version of my story:

I am a merchant sailor (55 yo) and was out of the house for about half of my children's lives - and as such I have to fight the stereotypical image of a deadbeat dad.  However, I am a church going guy, and have a strong moral conviction so that is 'not true' and actively participate in his sports leagues, scouts, and school activities.

My wife portrays herself as the 'perfect church' lady, does the most amount of volunteer work, and does everything she can for the church.  For the most part she is every bit of that; however, she has a dark secret with 'anger management' issues. 

My wife has attempted suicide 6 times, domestic violence 5 times; has rages, and splits pretty badly; however, she is valedictorian smart and can hold a job down because she is good at what she does - so her coworkers tolerate her, even though she has been written up for insubordination at different jobs.  She also has a good moral compass - so basically a very high functioning conventional borderline.

My D is 16, had full blown Anorexia Nervosa (AN) and was hospitalized [imprisoned according to her] near death after I came back from my most recent sea trip.  She has recovered nicely from AN; however, she has shifted her 'control issues' to undiagnosed OCPD [better than BPD, but still a major personality disorder].  I know that her mental health has been permanently affected; however, I am doing what I can to reverse this damage even though she is at the pinnacle of ultra-high-functioning so she 'flies under the RADAR' of mental health professionals.

My S is 11, he has been in therapy for Oppositional Defiance tendencies.  He is also showing signs of borderline rage, like my wife, and borderline splitting, also like my wife with the key difference is that he recognized his bad behavior and apologizes for it.  Now that I recognize it, I have given emotional tools to my children to deal with my wife's rages and rants.  He is pre-puberty so he has a better chance of avoiding life-long mental health issues.

So, you have every reason to be in your own 'prison' to protect your grandson so you don't 'throw him to the wolves' - very commendable, but you are also very much self-sacrificing the remainder of your 'golden years'. 

With regards to therapists, find one that is willing to deal with 'high conflict' family issues and doesn't recommend going no contact to work things out.

Knowing what I know; this is what I would do in your shoes, as you obviously love your daughter too.  Is your daughter formally diagnosed with BPD?  If so, it will be easier to gain custody of your GS in the courts.  If not, you will need to document the bad abusive behaviors [cell phone is my choice as everyone has one; however, make sure you have a system to offload the video/audio to a storage device or it will fill up very quickly]. 

If you can afford this, the ideal arrangement would be for you to have your daughter in a separate nearby apartment/room [something that she and you can afford], and your grandson stays with you with supervised visits of your daughter.  Ideally, gently suggest this arrangement with your daughter; however, if she is not open to this, you may want to take it to the courts as a last resort.  Also do you have any other children who have children and can take your GS in?  Relatives?  Friends?  Something to consider if this is the case.  I am pretty sure that your goal is to protect your GS at all costs from your D. 

Your GS is 6 yo, this is where childhood trauma starts and can remain for the rest of his life.  This IS the CRITICAL time he needs intervention to prevent him from receiving any additional childhood emotional trauma that can affect his mental health on a life-long basis if he stays in an emotionally abusive environment.

If you do decide to go to court, talk to a family law attorney on your options, what to do, and what not to do.

[Exhausted56]

Thank you so much for your response and information. Yes, she is formally diagnosed with BPD. She is our only child and my grandson is her only child. I love her but she is wearing me down. We’ve been hesitant to go the court route since we are older and are afraid we would not be considered for custody. My worst fear is that by taking it to court he would be put in “the system” which is why we’re sacrificing ourselves to keep him as stable as possible. He is a good boy and our bond with him and his with us is extremely strong. That being said, going the legal route would be our last resort. If we could find a therapist like you said, that would be our best route at this point. Also, neither she nor us have the means to afford an apartment for her at this point and from our experience she would want to take him with her which would be worse than things are now. Her “go-to” threat is that if we “don’t stay in line” and bow down to her she will take him from us which would also be worse for him. She knows she has us where she wants us. This is why we feel “stuck”. Thank God she has never gotten physical with him (although I know mental issues are just as bad) and I know she loves him in her distorted way. She just has no clue how to relate to him normally. So far we’ve been able to keep her interactions with him to a minimum. I think we will look for a therapist at this point. We’ll just have to keep trying until we find one who can understand our dilemma. Thank you so much for your input. God bless you and your family in your struggles. I can certainly relate.

[SaltyDawg]

If you have your individual therapist, I would recommend talking to them on this topic. 

If not, find a therapist for yourself first.  Then find one where all of you can go, just be aware, due to the nature of BPD, this will be very tough at best, and a complete failure at worst.  I have lost count on the number of marriage counselors we have been to - as my wife wanted to fix me - be prepared on how your D wants to fix you.  For the family counselor, try to find one that can deal with BPD [most don't as they are the 2nd most difficult ones to work with] or 'high conflict' if BPD.  While several types of therapy works, the best is DBT therapy, if you can find one that uses that, that would be good.

If you cannot afford counseling, go to CODA.org, they are geared for substance abuse; however, the push/pull dynamic of a BPD's trauma bond is also codependent in nature and will be relevant for both of you.  Just talk to them about your situation before going.  Most of the meetings are free.

Self-care is probably my number one recommendation, whatever that looks like for you.  For me it is e-bike riding on a mountain, long hot showers, and getting lost in a good movie/TV series.

As long as one of the two of you are physically able to care for your GS, you should be able to get custody, so he won't be in the 'system'.  That would remove the power from your Daughter.

I recommend talking to a local family law attorney, one that specializes in 'high conflict', they should give you an idea if you can do the custody arrangement especially up to his 18th b-day which would put you at 82/78 respectively.  Be forewarned this can get expensive.

This will likely put your fears to rest [most likely], and in a worst case scenario validate your fears [less likely].  At least in my part of the country, if you have a pulse and no issues yourself and can care for him and yourself, you can get custody, no matter what your age is.

With your D's BPD diagnosis that makes it easier for you to get custody.  My wife refuses to get evaluated for BPD, as she fears the loss of custody herself.  That is not my intent; however, I do have recordings of her raging, talking about physically abusing, confirming suicide threats, etc.  My intent was for her to become 'self-aware' so she can fix herself.

In any event if you do [highly recommended] talk to a family law attorney, start documenting your D's abuse towards your GS (phone video is best, audio recording is good, or even the old fashioned paper logs - if you go paper, make sure you use a bound notebook, not loose leaf/spiral - if you make errors, put a single line through it with the correction beside it).  If it gets to the point where intervention even in the foster care system [unlikely, unless you and your spouse are severely handicapped and cannot care for yourselves] is required, it may be better for him to be there than being with your daughter.  The more documentation that you have the better.  Also be sure to copy/photograph your paper logs, backup your recording to two or more places so if your D catches wind of it, and finds it, and destroys it, you will have a backup copy.

Good luck, prayers, and take care.

[Sancho]

Hi Exhausted56
I so understand - am in the same position myself. Yes it is the case that often you get advised to step back, move on etc etc. It is not something I could do and live easily with myself.

The 'trapped', 'cornered' feeling is unbearable sometimes. And not being able to speak in ones own home . . . . .

The hardest times are when there is no school routine etc.

I have found it easier since I 'let go' of trying to help dd or find solutions. I try to let the abuse go past me without emotional or verbal response (in fact dd now often says 'Don't speak to me' because she knows it will only make her worse if I do).

The other thing is I try to have something that I can turn my mind towards so that even though I am physically trapped, I am not mentally or emotionally trapped.

I like to keep up with world news online, and try to take any small moment of time when you can focus on yourself and your own health. I am getting on in years and often wonder if I am going to have any sort of life at all.

Then I think - well I don't know so I have to find some things in the here and now that I can enjoy or just time to breathe and appreciate the fact that I am alive, I am part of this enormous universe - that thought usually helps me!

I come here too, just to read posts, because it is here that I know I am not alone in the most difficult of daily struggles that is journeying with BPD. So thank you for posting, and I hope when things are really tough, the fact that I am out there dealing with the same awful issues is just a little help to you.

Thank you for posting . . . .