Is my ex girlfriend a pwBPD?

[Vinny.eire]

Hi.
So got discarded 3 months ago by a girl who I believe is a pwBPD.
I’m not sure if she is so I’ll start asking your opinion.
In her childhood, her dad was not a loving and caring father, he’d come home later after work and never showed her any affection.
 Then her mom passed away when she was 13. Few months after her dad had another young woman already, and when my ex and her brothers complained, the father kicked them out of the house.
So she went living with her auntie. For many years she had a rough relationship with her dad. They did t talk for many years, she traveled a lot and went to Africa to teach English for 2 years. She came back and kinda got back talking to her dad.
Their relationship is not the best, he is a difficult man as she describes him, and very rude towards her sometimes, I believe he has a bit of a narcissistic personality, not sure.
She admitted to me she has a promiscuous past. And I believe she lies a bit as well.
We met 1year and a half ago. First two months things were great, but I had some personal problems and was a bit depressed, so she left me. I was devastated and tried to get her back. After 2 months we got back together.
I’m then she’d be great, loving and caring, and I kinda smothered her and gave too much love and affection, I was a bit too nice, so she suddenly left me after 3 months.
We stayed apart for like ; months, then we reconnected again.
Again things were great at the beginning, she love bombed me, I felt like the happiest man. I didn’t smother her this time. I let her do the chasing, she would call every morning and then after work as well she even complained I didn’t care about her. She’d say that she loved me, that I was the best boyfriend etc. but then again after 3 months she’d just out of nowhere decide to break up. I didn’t chase so she texted me saying she loved me and missed me, but I had booked a trip home do I went home for a month. We decided to stay in touch and try to work on the relationship but after a week on my trip she broke up. I was missing her and kinda showed a bit of weakness with the distance, so I think she felt she had to break up.
Anyway, she always monkey branches, and thinking back now, I suspect she always had been talking to other guys while with me, she was very secretive with her phone.
So my question is, is she a pwBPD?
Is there a chance that she’d come back after breaking up 3 times?
I do love her and we all know the pain. I’m working on my codependency.
But I feel she is a special person for me, not only for the love bombing, but she has some qualities I do appreciate and love about her, we had a good connection.
Anyway, what should I do if I want tjj oh bring her back? She is decided it’s over, we were in no contact for like a month but yesterday j sent her a message just to see how she is, she replied but I felt she is cold and distant and doesn’t want to really engage on a conversation with me.
Thanks everyone for the help in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

She sounds like she does have some borderline traits imo. There’s are some things lacking that make me think it might not be BPD though.

I have some questions for you.

 Did she get extremely angry at things that shouldn’t warrant that kind of response? Mood swings, rage, sensitivity to criticism, splitting, defensive demeanor, and delusional thinking are common.

Did she ever display drastic personality changes or change her appearance often? People with the disorder have a hard time with who they are.

Did she ever talk about feeling empty, depressed, or threats of suicide?  PwBPD often have suicidal idealization and engage in self harm some times.

Did she idealize you in the beginning of your relationship? Did she say things like “you’re perfect” and make you feel like you were soulmates and could do no wrong? Borderlines will also pretend to be into the same things you’re into and adapt to your mannerisms and interests during this phase.

I’m obviously not qualified to make a diagnosis either way, but there does seem to be a lot missing from your story that would indicate full blown bpd. The breaking up out of nowhere, coming back randomly, and monkey branching does seem very bpd ish however. The coldness and distance in her text messages does seem like it could be the beginning of the devaluation phase.

Bpd or not (pray it’s not, trust me)  though man I wish you all the best in your relationship. I know the feeling of having to deal with what you’re going through. It can be down right devastating and leaves you an emotional wreak trying to pick up the pieces. I’m still dealing with extreme depression from my bpd disaster. You’re not alone bro.

[kells76]

Hi Vinny.eire, welcome to the group

Glad you're here, reaching out, and wanting to learn more about what might be going on in your relationship.

Like Gutt3rSnipe mentions, it can be difficult to say definitively "Yes it is" -- we aren't mental health professionals who are trained in diagnosis.

However, the "nice" thing about this group is that ultimately, what brings us here isn't a label, it's the traits and behaviors that impact our lives. So even if your GF doesn't have a diagnosis or you aren't sure, this is still a place where you can work through your questions and learn new, sometimes non-intuitive tools and skills to cope.

Have you had a chance yet to read our article on I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? Give it a look and let us know your thoughts.

Good to hear you're working with your codependent traits. Is that with a counselor/therapist?

Keep us posted;

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

Vinny,

   Welcome to the BPD Family.

   Sounds like there is a bit there, and BPD is possible.

   I found the best place to make an unprofessional assessment is the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd edition]. 

   If you have more questions, please ask, as 'we get it'. 

   You have described the narcissistic cycle which also applies to borderlines...

love bombing --> devalue --> discard --> recycle

   This cycle varies from relationship to relationship.  I personally know of a person who has gone through 50+ cycles (about one per week), she lost count at 30-35, so anything is possible, and these cycles can be full blown or not where the emotions are there but not the physical distancing and separation are not.  It's pretty messed up.

   Take care, and do self-care as that is my number one recommendation for you.