Working on dealing safely with borderline ex

[Wahine44]

Hi there, I’m looking for support and practical tips to keep being able to interact safely with my borderline ex. We have two (young) children together. I have (still am) putting  a huge amount of effort into keeping him calm and stable. But it’s exhausting. We separated last year after he went into a rage and I had to call the police. He has had some periods since then when he’s taken responsibility for some of his scary and mean behaviour. But lately it’s all about how hard done by he is again.  It’s just so tiring. And so unfair. I would like to learn how to deal with him day to day without having to give in constantly, just to keep him stable. Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

  Welcome, though of course we wish your circumstance with a person with BPD (pwBPD) weren't the reason to join us here.

Hi there, I’m looking for support and practical tips to keep being able to interact safely with my borderline ex. We have two (young) children together...  It’s just so tiring. And so unfair. I would like to learn how to deal with him day to day without having to give in constantly, just to keep him stable.

We agree that giving in, or appeasing, is not a good strategy.  A good place to browse is our Tools and Skills workshops board.  (Click on the green text link.)

While you need to remain anonymous here in remote peer support, it would be helpful to know whether you had been married and are now divorced, whether you have a parenting schedule that specifies the child exchanges, what percentage parenting time you have and how custody is split between you and ex.

Assuming you do have a court order outlining the custody and parenting schedule, it would be wise to stick to it.  Though of course if his pattern is to not parent as often as the schedule lists, then the order can be updated to reflect reality.

What sort of reasons, pressures, manipulations or whatever are there to cause you to seek help regarding the constant contact?