First visit in hospital

[Ca mom]

Thank you for reading. My daughter is 27 and just diagnosed with BPD. I flew across the country to see her for the first time at the hospital. She's responding well to the group therapy environment. We spent most of the time together having dinner with all her friends there. Then played cards. Then we had about 10 minutes alone and she ranted the entire 10 minutes about her ex-boyfriend situation. I listened I acknowledged and then it was time to go. When I first arrived she seemed so happy to see me and gave me a big hug but by the time I left I felt that it was too overwhelming to have me there for her. I'd love to hear anyone else's experiences I know it's a long road but I might even be flying home soon if she doesn't really want me there visiting. Any thoughts? I want what's best for her but my own emotions are quite sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Ca mom, welcome to the group. Glad we can be here for you as you're navigating your D27's new diagnosis.

I think I'm hearing some positives in your story -- she's getting treatment, seems to be making some positive changes, and was open to seeing you there.

Do you know how she responded to getting the diagnosis? Was she accepting of it, open to it, in denial, other...?

Tell me a little more about this --

When I first arrived she seemed so happy to see me and gave me a big hug but by the time I left I felt that it was too overwhelming to have me there for her.

what did you notice going on that raised those thoughts for you?

And this part of your post also stood out to me:

I know it's a long road but I might even be flying home soon if she doesn't really want me there visiting. Any thoughts? I want what's best for her but my own emotions are quite sad.

because one big thing that pwBPD struggle with is having balanced, appropriate, stable emotions. pwBPD often have a worldview that "feelings equal facts" -- that if they feel something in the moment, that means it's always been the absolute truth. That gets coupled with emotional dysregulation, where pwBPD struggle with the wide range, intensity, and rapid changes of their emotions.

I'm wondering if maybe you're seeing your D's BPD "happening" in front of you, where she can pivot from having a great dinner with you to sending vibes that she doesn't want you there, all pretty quickly.

One sometimes non-intuitive skill we can build, when there's a pwBPD in our lives, is to step back from letting their emotions run our show. That's not to say that we should disrespect their boundaries; more to say, we need to be the emotional leaders, with emotional stability, when we interact with a pwBPD. Her feelings about you being there may change tomorrow, or later today, or both! So, instead of us taking our cues for action from how a pwBPD feels, we can check in with our own values and integrity, and act from that.

It could still look like you flying home early, if you truly believe that that's best for her. Maybe consider checking in with her treatment team to see what they think. Or, it could look like you staying for your whole trip, and taking visits a day at a time.

Wondering if any of that resonates with you this morning?

Glad you reached out; keep us posted --

kells76

[InTheWilderness]

So, instead of us taking our cues for action from how a pwBPD feels, we can check in with our own values and integrity, and act from that.

Wow, kells76, I needed this. I’m also confused over what to do, fly home or stay and this gives me some clarity. At the end of the day, we can’t predict how pwBPD will feel at their worst, or what they will do to feel better, considering suicidal ideation is a big factor. Maybe it’s better to stay, maybe pwBPD will be okay if you leave to take care of yourself. What I’m learning is that existing with uncertainty is a part of loving pwBPD and accepting this as how life is going to be for a while is important to self care.

[kells76]

Hi again Ca mom;

What ended up happening with your visit? Hope you had some positive times.

Like ITW wrote:

At the end of the day, we can’t predict how pwBPD will feel at their worst, or what they will do to feel better, considering suicidal ideation is a big factor. Maybe it’s better to stay, maybe pwBPD will be okay if you leave to take care of yourself. What I’m learning is that existing with uncertainty is a part of loving pwBPD and accepting this as how life is going to be for a while is important to self care.

The uncertainty and unpredictability of BPD are really hard for me, too. Accepting that BPD will be "predictably unpredictable" has been a process for me.

Keep us in the loop;

kells76