When a family member chooses not to seek help

[BrokenMomof3]

Please excuse me if this topic was discussed earlier and I missed finding it.

My daughter has been diagnosed with MI for last 10 years. I have two instances with her when I had to call police to help me to get her to the hospital. First time, she was 20+ and severely depressed. Fortunately, she listened to the police officer and agreed to go to the hospital in my car. So it was voluntarily admission.

The second time is last week. She is 26+. I had shared this earlier in my first two posts, so just brief background. She moved out of the home in August for her grad school. Since Oct, she made some bad choices in picking bad bf, broke up, started trying weed & alcohol, quit taking SSRI that she has been on for 8 years. So last 6 months were hard to watch her abusing her freedom. To her credit, she did well in the studies. Since January, I noticed her behavior changes pointing to paranoia kicking in. In February she announced to me that she was going to stop taking her meds. Nothing I could do except advising her to take it easy and do it under her doctor's supervision. She tapered it off in one month - march. She stopped going to therapy because the therapist was projecting therapist's issues onto her. She lost apparently lot of weight. Stopped taking any home cooked food from home that she used to. Her complaints about her dad were out of the roof. She obviously could not go NC like her siblings with her dad if she needed to see me. So she started showing open resentment & disrespect towards me. First week of April her delusions started. She became deeply verbally abusive. She believed her delusions and was thinking I was in denial and needed help. As per her perception, everyone in her apartment complex was on cocaine. She charged our joint CC for Disneyland ticket and went alone. She got into some trouble and spent the night in detention. She did not call us. I filed the missing person report and then we found out what happened. After this incident she moved back home. She had conflict with me because I canceled the joint CC. Conflict turned into violent behavior and then I had to call 911. I told the police that I refuse to press charges on my sick daughter; only then they took her to the hospital with 51/50.

Here is what I have tried in last 3 months to get her to seek help. First, obviously talking to her about the 'traumatic brain' that does not know how to make the balanced chemicals which were provided to it by meds for 8 years. I urged her to seek help for her brain just like she would for her upset stomach.

I had multiple therapy sessions myself so I could seek help to help her - costing me thousands.

I reached out to her therapist via internet emails (where you seek consultation appt). Luckily I had the correct name because I was paying dd's therapy bills. The therapist called back and then she reached out to my dd. I don't know what happened between the two, my dd told me that she is no longer my therapist. I am told it is malpractice to stop being therapist to a client when they are in crisis. I have yet to deal with it. Anyway, I was hoping that this therapist will do all in her power to get her to go to hospital, including 51/50 if she had to. But nothing like that happened.
 
I found out that there was a service Recovery Based Engagement Support Team (RBEST) in her county where team members reach out to the patient who is not willing to seek help, they kindo form relationship with the person and have a way of talking the patient into seeking help. I worked with them for a week. By the time it was their day to reach out to my dd, she moved home. We live in different county.

In our county, I called for the Mobile Crisis Assessment team (CAT). They were very kind to respect my wish to come without a police officer. My dd called this person names and told him off. He shared some other resources of free therapy, while pretending to be helping me because as per my dd I needed the help for my denial state. I shared those resources with her later and she refused to talk to any therapist.

I had called the 911, had them talk to her because she was threatening to take away my CC from my purse and do whatever she wanted to do with it. She also threatened to break my car since somehow she figured that I had put the purse in the car. My husband was out of town that night. At that point they could not help me even though she was verbally abusive to them all. I was told that they can only help when she is either physically harmful to herself or to someone else. The emotional harm of spreading the rumors about her sister/friend/bf killing themselves and posting DM's to their friends was not harmful enough to get her to the hospital.

I'm really upset and sad about all this. All this protocol not only had delayed help to someone who was gravely sick but also it put me in a position to call cops on my daughter. Knowing that my dd may have undiagnosed BPD, it breaks my heart that I was the only person in the whole world who she trusted. Now that trust is broken.

I understand that even MI people have rights, but this is not working in their favor. I would really like to know where to start to change this protocol. Please share any resources or point me to try something that you think may lead me in the direction of making a change. This has to change.
Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Brokenmumof3
Thank you for posting. Our stories are heartbreaking, and we get to that question: ' what do you do when a family member refuses to get help', it is a watershed moment.

As we journey with our loved children, we are also on a separate journey ourselves. For most of the time before we come to that question, we are frantically trying to find the help needed to avoid the pitfalls that we see coming, or to try to relieve the pain suffered by our loved one.

It is the right thing that we put all our effort into doing this.

Then comes the moment - adult child refuses anything and everything. Still in 'fix it' mode I continued to try to push dd, coerce, - anything I could think of to drag the horse to water.

When I finally collapsed exhausted I started on my part of the next stage of the journey - letting go.

When you are trying to think of what you can do, go back and read the list of all you have done. You could not have done more. Stepping back doesn't mean you don't love or care, it means that you love and care no matter what.

It seems to me, and I might be wrong, that you are at that watershed moment. What you have done is amazing, and there may come a time when your dd looks again to you to guide and support.

Take this moment to nurture yourself knowing that you have done all that you can do. . .  and more - and that you love dd no matter what.