Angry and feeling empty after no contact with bpd wife. Any advice?

[Sid_7]

Hi,

So my uBPD wife and I were living apart for 7 months. 2 months ago we decided to have a period of no contact to figure out whether we wanted to continue to be together. 3 weeks ago we reconnected by phone and quickly realised both of us wanted to separate.

We are being quite civil in the logistical side of things (changing addresses etc- we have no kids btw) but only via msg/email and she feels overwhelmed with the pain of it all and so doesn't want to see one another. I feel conflicted if this is healthy in getting closure.

Part of the last few months of physical distance was that when we did meet up, we were trying to establish healthy ways of communicating I.e. taking it in turns to validate one another's feelings - trying to understand one another so we could move forward. She seemed on board and, after walkong out on a couples therapist last year, she took the initiative to at least find an online course to work on things.

Naturally, I did my part in such processes over .any weeks ... then was criticised for sharing my feelings as they were 'unfair' and 'wrong' even though I swear I did it in the most neutral way I knew how. It was the last hope I had but she simply didn't have capacity to hear me. And the contempt that came through was a reminder of not wanting to be in a toxic environment any longer. Being accused of being a person of low value one minute and love-bpmbed the next - I just can't do it anymore.

Point of this: there is a huge amount of me that feels unheard and emotionally unresolved. That she doesn't get why I don't want to be with her, only I know her reasons why I am not good enough to be with her - I don't do enough to make her feel safe/happy in a nutshell. Yet...I know she probably couldn't hear/digest it anyway, let alone respond in a measured way.

The conflict comes in 1) wondering if it's healthy not to see one another and 2) how I get that closure? I'm having angry conversations with her in my head as I see the strain my own mental health has been under.

I'm just very aware that I generally feel very emotionally skilled and willing in talking with people around conflict in friend,family and work situations (in fact I've realised it's a value I need and desire in a future partner) - yet, it feels there is no 'willing person' to engage with on the other side of this relationship. I'm resentful. I don't know how to shift it.

I feel a bit lost, so much so I'm not sure this makes total sense. Please ask an qns, or clarifiers that are needed.
Thank you

[Turkish]

That you're struggling with closure is natural. Even in the best of circumstances, divorce by its nature is adversarial.

That you're getting along for the most part is good, but emotions will run high, BPD or not. I had angry conversations in my head for many years. I last shut down in-person conversations about 6 years ago after she misinterpreted something I said and a week later she sent a late night email to tell me how I hurt her. Despite leaving me for another guy and marrying him, she, like me, had unresolved issues with me.

If I were you, I'd focus on what sounds like a low-conflict divorce and close that. Then focus on healing and closure on your side. She might be part of that, but I'd focus on the legal issues first. Space would make this easier.

Are you 100% set on divorcing?

[ForeverDad]

That you're struggling with closure is natural... If I were you, I'd focus on what sounds like a low-conflict divorce and close that. Then focus on healing and closure on your side. She might be part of that, but I'd focus on the legal issues first.

Our sort of divorces - where an acting-out PD is involved - usually result in us Ending the relationship and Moving On.  Typical outcome is that we can't continue contact as "friends".  The disorder makes that unlikely.  So my observation has been... It is best not to depend on the other for any closure.  Therefore, closure should be something you Gift yourself.  Accept that it is best to completely Let Go and Move On.

[Sid_7]

Thanks to you both, Turkish and ForeverDad,

Yes, I/we are set on divorcing. I live in Norway and we have to be separated for a year before we can apply for a divorce, another year - so the legality of it will take some time still.

Reflecting on it, I think the fact it is low conflict is because it is purely practical at this stage. The moment my views, opinions, actions or aspects of my personality that make her feel unsafe (I'm honestly very chilled out) that's when the sparks fly - framing me as a bad person, not good enough, bringing up the small grudges I've tried to manage that a healthy relationship would be able to move through. It's the paradox of the time we now seem to be getting along well is the logistics of parting ways. She can be reasonable...as long as there are no/a low number of emotional situations to navigate in-person.

Letting go and moving on certainly seems like what needs to be accepted, knowing I've had my part to play of course. And time is part of that.

Thank you. It feels healing in itself to have been witnessed in this.

[livednlearned]

Sid_7, it's so painful to go through these divorces.

I read somewhere on the site that regular divorces take one month for every year married, and for BPD marriages, two months for every year.

I found the above to be true almost to the month. I was married for 10 years and it took 22 months before I truly felt healed and ready to move on. A few months later I met my now (non BPD, healthy) husband.

Maybe it takes longer to resolve things with someone for whom there is no capacity for resolution.

Healthy is an interesting word to use when it comes to BPD relationships. Love, maybe. Healthy, no.

A lot of what I consider to be healthy came after, through therapy and healing, when I learned what kept drawing me to deeply damaged people. I got to focus on someone else's very obvious, much worse flaws and didn't have to look at what I needed to.

That became closure for me.

I hope you're able to find peace Sid_7.