My BPD ex girlfriend

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi. My ex-girlfriend has undiagnosed BPD.  We currently don't have any contact and I don't even try to contact her.  However I would love to be able to help her with therapy if she agrees to do it, and if she contact me in the future, something that i dont know if will happen but if that happens i would like to tell her the possiblities that she have to have a different live (she was a 8 years old daughter and the behaviour she is having it will impact her daughter  in the future) as she is a person who lives alone, does not have any family close or friends and as I know that during the therapy process, the support of someone close to her is very important, I would like to know if this is a good idea

[Castelhano75]

Hi. My ex-girlfriend has undiagnosed BPD.  We currently don't have any contact and I don't even try to contact her.  However I would love to be able to help her with therapy if she agrees to do it, and if she contact me in the future, something that i dont know if will happen but if that happens i would like to tell her the possiblities that she have to have a different live (she was a 8 years old daughter and the behaviour she is having it will impact her daughter  in the future) as she is a person who lives alone, does not have any family close or friends and as I know that during the therapy process, the support of someone close to her is very important, I would like to know if this is a good idea

[EZEarache]

Welcome, I think it is very admirable that you are watching out for this child.

Unfortunately, generally telling a person with a Cluster B personality disorder that they are disordered will not go over well. What typically happens is:

A) They will blame shift any evidence back onto you, no matter how rational your argument is
B) They will use projection to deny that the issue involves them to hide from the problem entirely
C) This will create an argument between you and the disordered person, and they will just dig their heels in deeper refusing to accept any responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day you will come out of the fight as the bad person for even suggesting it.

Typically for a Cluster B to actively engage in treatment, willy only occur after their behavior has resulted in catastrophe where their lives have sunk to an incredible low and their is no where else to go, but to accept help.

So no, I don't think it is wise to go down this path. If the child is in imminent serious danger you can call child protective services. However, that may only make things worse for the child.

[ForeverDad]

A key word here is "ex-girlfriend".  As an ex, you have even less impact on her life choices.

Similar thoughts on her young school age daughter. You have no legal ties or legal responsibilities to her and so you would have to be very careful you don't trigger a negative overreaction if you step in the middle.

Maybe you could be helpful in pointing the way to her.  But "maybe" must be emphasized.  If your exGF is years into her path of mental issues, it would be hard for her to steer a new course.  As EZEarache commented, most people on the Cluster B spectrum (which includes Borderline) are resistant to meaningful therapy.  Their coping tactics are generally to deny and deflect guilt (blame) onto others.

We can't categorically say she will refuse to listen to you, but in our experience that is a very common reaction.  One reason is an explanation I read here years ago.  BPD is a dysfunction of relationships and the closer the relationship the more evident it is.  It is as though the relationship created a huge mass of emotional baggage that an ex can't or won't ignore or Let Go in order to truly listen you you.

If she contacts you you could carefully comment on things that would improve her life or life's perceptions.  But it would have to be from a distance, especially emotional distance.  Her world perceptions are probably intensely emotional, self-based and shift from one minute to the next.