Still waiting for him to sign and dealing with feelings

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone. I thought I'd create an update post. My STBXH's lawyer accepted the settlement, FINALLY, weeks ago, but of course, STBXH is dragging his feet on signing. His foot dragging has cost me nearly $30K already in legal fees, and we don't even have children or that much property to divide! I'm living paycheck to paycheck right now and being crushed with the amount of debt I now have. It's horrifying.

I'm SO angry and feel like this is yet another punishment for me going against what he wants. And if we get the judge involved to compel them to move forward, guess what, that's more money in legal fees I have to spend.

During this time, he has also sent me all kinds of messages, trying to scare me with sentiments like, "you're too old; you'll never find anyone else that loves you like I do," threatening self harm, telling me how he suffers and cries every single day because of how miserable he is and how he's going to lose his job because he can't stop crying at work.

Now, of course, underlying all of this is the fact that he is terrified of having to take care of himself and becoming a responsible adult. He has NEVER had to do this, and, finally, at 46 years of age, he's having to be held accountable for his own life. Well, not really, because his mommy is paying for basically everything.

Mostly, I feel annoyance and anger at this stage, but tell me why there is still a part of me that feels sad and trauma bonded, especially at night? What is going on there? Last night, I had this dream where he was about to go out on a date with some other woman, and I stopped him. He was thrilled about this and was all ready to get back together with me. While I loved the attention he was giving me, I did not, at my core, want to get back together with him. It's like, I wished I could have him around in the gushing, fawning form forever without actually having to be in a relationship with him. Obviously it was a dream, but clearly there's something that he offers me that serves a purpose for me, even if it's not healthy.

Ugh, this is totally the pits, but hopefully I'm nearing the end? He says after we divorce I won't hear anything more from him, but somehow I doubt that. Anyone have that same experience? Did you hear from your ex after you divorced?

[WitzEndWife]

Hello everyone. I thought I'd create an update post. My STBXH's lawyer accepted the settlement, FINALLY, weeks ago, but of course, STBXH is dragging his feet on signing. His foot dragging has cost me nearly $30K already in legal fees, and we don't even have children or that much property to divide! I'm living paycheck to paycheck right now and being crushed with the amount of debt I now have. It's horrifying.

I'm SO angry and feel like this is yet another punishment for me going against what he wants. And if we get the judge involved to compel them to move forward, guess what, that's more money in legal fees I have to spend.

During this time, he has also sent me all kinds of messages, trying to scare me with sentiments like, "you're too old; you'll never find anyone else that loves you like I do," threatening self harm, telling me how he suffers and cries every single day because of how miserable he is and how he's going to lose his job because he can't stop crying at work.

Now, of course, underlying all of this is the fact that he is terrified of having to take care of himself and becoming a responsible adult. He has NEVER had to do this, and, finally, at 46 years of age, he's having to be held accountable for his own life. Well, not really, because his mommy is paying for basically everything.

Mostly, I feel annoyance and anger at this stage, but tell me why there is still a part of me that feels sad and trauma bonded, especially at night? What is going on there? Last night, I had this dream where he was about to go out on a date with some other woman, and I stopped him. He was thrilled about this and was all ready to get back together with me. While I loved the attention he was giving me, I did not, at my core, want to get back together with him. It's like, I wished I could have him around in the gushing, fawning form forever without actually having to be in a relationship with him. Obviously it was a dream, but clearly there's something that he offers me that serves a purpose for me, even if it's not healthy.

Ugh, this is totally the pits, but hopefully I'm nearing the end? He says after we divorce I won't hear anything more from him, but somehow I doubt that. Anyone have that same experience? Did you hear from your ex after you divorced?

[ForeverDad]

My Ex and I had a child, so limited contact was necessary but nearly all here who ended their PD relationship without children involved had to end contact as well.  There's very little room to have friendship afterward.

Yes, it's like yet another firm Boundary, weaken it and you could get sucked back in again.  Why?  Because the apparent dysfunction is less noticeable from a distance and could fool you into thinking they're changed for the better.  But the problem side is still there lurking for you to get close again.

If you do need to return to court get any orders or settlements to have a time restriction where you can thereafter proceed.

Years ago one of our members reported getting paperwork signed with a purple crayon.  Whatever it takes.

Also, bring the paperwork with you to the court in case she surprises you and agrees, a signed document is far better than a quick promise to sign later... .a bird in the hand being better than two in the bush.  One of our members got the ex to sign documents with a purple crayon, believe it or not.  Whatever it takes, sooner is better than who knows when later.

[livednlearned]

The dream sounds really important.

Looking back at why I married a man like my ex, I can see that I was in love with love-bombing. I wasn't in love with the whole guy he was, I mostly loved him loving me. There were things I loved about him: his creativity, intelligence, charm, how funny he was. I even loved how he made fun of me and castigated my family for treating me badly.

I didn't love the splitting, the rages, the BPD and narcissism and alcoholism and drug addiction and verbal and emotional abuse. I separated his behavior into two people. The person who did what I wanted (love me) and the person who didn't (BPD). I didn't see him as a whole person.

I wholeheartedly loved who we were for about 3 weeks and then spent the next 10 years trying to get back to that feeling of love, trying to be that person. I wanted to be the person he made me seem like when he love-bombed me. It was the first believable version anyone had ever presented and it was intoxicating.

It was so good I bought the whole thing.

I used him to try and feel great about myself.

My family of origin ensured I felt like garbage and I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to see that for what it was and repair the parts of me that got broken.

When n/BPDx came along I encountered a convincing version of myself in this fantasy he presented where I was a pedestal person. I belonged up there. My family was garbage, and n/BPDx gave me access to a version of myself that felt fantastic.

I wished I could have him around in the gushing, fawning form forever without actually having to be in a relationship with him

Maybe this is more about facets of you, not wanting to be in a relationship with yourself?

[WitzEndWife]

The dream sounds really important.


Maybe this is more about facets of you, not wanting to be in a relationship with yourself?

Ouf, yeah, that could definitely be one part of it. I'm sometimes avoidant about discovering deeper things about myself and I discard my own needs or numb them out quite often. Maybe as I'm opening up to my own self and doing more self care, there's still a part that's resistant. That's interesting to think about.

[Notwendy]

You have done some great work. I'm cheering you on! Of course it's understandable to have feelings about it. It's OK to feel your feelings. That doesn't mean acting on them.

Someone who is sober from alcohol might still think about a drink sometimes. Someone who has chosen to give up sweets for a healthy diet might think about sweets sometimes. But they know to not act on this for their own well being. It's understandable that your feelings might appear in a dream- but they are just that- feelings- not a reason to act on them. A reminder to not act on them.

I'd also think of that dream as a sign to go do some self care. It may be that you are resolving some of your feelings in that dream. But that was also a nightmare. You know this too- stay the course and keep up the good work  

[At Bay]

Hello,

I’ve often wondered how my dbpdh can get me to act as if nothing happened after he’s been terrible. I think I’ve figured it out: my goal is to feel better. Subconsciously, in my mind that will happen when my h is nice to me again. You are hearing niceness.

You, understandably, are feeling bad during a divorce, and he’s offering to be good to you. Before, that might mean things can feel normal. Just like what he would do for a date in the dream—but if he’s going to be good to someone, it should be you!  Just like how we believed them in the first place only to later find ourselves threatened and frightened in our own homes.

He can probably find a way to support himself like everyone else if his mother cuts him off. I think he has other plans until then, and I’m really sorry it is costing you so much to remove yourself from his options. Better that the funds are spent for your
future happiness.


Good luck to us all.