Searching for support

[AO63]

My adult daughter has always had trouble with authority, rules, relationships, boundaries and impulsivity.  She's recently been diagnosed as BPD and it's all starting to make sense now.  But she's 31 and is there really anything I can do now?  I mean her personality is set at this point right?  She's got a good job, but can't maintain relationships so she's still living at home.  She can be so nice and then be so mean.  Shes messy and doesn't take responsibility for anything.  Any and all advice and support is welcomed.  I want to support her as best as I can.  I also want to protect my heart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi AO63
There is some good news in that I was told many years ago by a paediatric psychiatrist that BPD symptoms can (he said 'often') ameliorate in the 4th decade ie in the 30s. So things are not set at all.

Whether it is 'can' or 'often' doesn't mean it will always be the case of course, but your dd has a good job so has a life routine etc. She is early 30s and I have noticed improvement in bpd individuals later in that decade, so it might take a while.

It sounds like the biggest challenge is the nastiness - is that correct? I am wondering how you deal with this and if you can see a way of helping dd improve in this regard.

Keep your hope up; protect your heart; don't let your heart be affected by nastiness and verbal abuse (it is just part of bpd, not you). You are in the same house, but try to live independently so there is a sense of separation and separate responsibilities.

Thanks for posting and let's know how things are.

[Hopeless419]

Sancho, how could the BPD just improve in some individuals? Do they need to be in therapy in order for it to improve or is is possible it’s something that with maturity lessens?

AO63, I can sympathize with you. I completely understand. My stepdaughter is 28 and I’ve been trying for the last 3 years to educate myself and my husband on whatever is going on with her. Her immediate family has always accepted she’s just “drama” and leave it at that. But the past 3 years I’ve been the victim of her frustration and the toll that has taken on me mentally is scary. I told my husband last night that my walls are up so high because the up and down rollercoaster of being loved one day, hated the next, cut off and then brought back in temporarily until she gets mad again is too much to keep going through. I struggle at times to remind myself her feelings are the disorder and I’m not the person she perceives me to be. I think we can all want so bad to see the person we care about be ok that we put ourselves through a lot just trying to help them. I struggle with guilt of not wanting to be around my SD. Once I realized she had a personality disorder I got excited. I felt like that was something that could be helped but then that crashed because you start to feel like at their age the personality is set and things will only get worse. Like your child, my SD struggles with relationships. Lives at home with her mom now and is still trying to start a career. She too was nasty when it came to keeping a home in order. She keeps her mom, dad and sister close and I’m the bad guy who came in and has ruined things. That’s hard on the heart when you feel like that’s how everyone sees you and all you’ve ever wanted was to actually help.

[Sancho]

Hi Hopeless419
BPD seems to be a complex condition with a range of symptoms and intensity. I remember this statement by the paediatric psychiatrist and have looked up research here and there - for example:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4500179/

It may be a natural maturation for some people, also comorbidities are a factor.

I notice a couple of posts here where people talk about positive change.

It is such a long, intense and difficult journey with a bpd loved one though, it is hard to hold on to a hope for change.  But from my understanding it is possible.

[AnnMann]

I can completely relate.  My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed a little over a year ago, although she's had many of the symptoms for some time.  

Our biggest struggles are the messiness in her room and bathroom (i.e., food, dirty dishes, trash, etc.).  We don't ask for much in return for living here and getting our support, but she still can't do it or lies about it.  I'm patient for a while with gentle reminders, and then I lose my cool.
She has ever excuse for what's wrong and why she can't and never takes responsibility for anything.  The alternative is to throw her out and I know she can't afford to live alone.  

I am not much help, but I do empathize with you.

[InTheWilderness]

Hi, AO63 and Hopeless419. Though BPD is very difficult for everyone involved, there is some good news. Studies show that in terms of serious mental health disorders, BPD is a rare one in that people often do go into remission, which can last years. Certain behaviors do improve with time even without therapy. Like Sancho said, the types and severity of co-morbidities contribute to this.

I read social media posts by pwBPD.  pwBPD will finally try therapy (DBT especially) or components of it like meditation and midlfulness and notice significant changes in their BPD. I read these to give me hope. Also, people report getting better without this intervention.

From the article Sancho linked: "When the course of individual symptoms of BPD are examined, studies have generally demonstrated an overall decrease in all symptoms, but with symptoms relating to impulsivity and behavioural manifestations of BPD remitting at a quicker rate than internal, primarily affective experiences."

This is also a great resource: https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/family-guidelines/

AO63: I find reading about BPD to be helpful to me. It has taught me how to spot the triggers that cause the anxiety and meanness. If I can understand what's going on, I can offer help and at least maintain compassion.

Hopeless419, there will be a bad guy. I'm sorry it's you. That is painful. My husband, who is my child's father, is the bad guy. But he is also the person my son will turn to when he's not hating him. My husband really struggles with this. I've been trying to support him as he navigates this difficult child. Often, if you can tweak your interactions, you will see improvements. The easiest one, in my opinion, is validation. When your SD is upset about something, validate her. Tell her you understand why she's upset about that thing. Keep validating. This will help to cool her down. See link I posted above if you want to learn more.

[Hopeless419]

Thank you Inthewilderness! ♥️

[Hiitsme]

I can completely relate.  My daughter is 22 and was diagnosed a little over a year ago, although she's had many of the symptoms for some time.  

Our biggest struggles are the messiness in her room and bathroom (i.e., food, dirty dishes, trash, etc.).  We don't ask for much in return for living here and getting our support, but she still can't do it or lies about it.  I'm patient for a while with gentle reminders, and then I lose my cool.
She has ever excuse for what's wrong and why she can't and never takes responsibility for anything. 

I have a 20 year old with the same issues. I don't do gentle reminders and I don't look in her room.  I have her keep her door shut. Inevitably she needs something from us- a ride, food preferences from the store, meds, something, and I try to answer sweetly that I would be happy to do for her when her room or bathroom or whatever is clean.   I try to stay unemotional and matter of fact as possible.  Losing my cool seems to escalate things in my house as much as I want read her the riot act.  I'd love to hear how other people handle this because it drives me insane.  Anyone would be depressed in a dark, dirty, chaotic room.