Maybe venting will help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not sure what I want or expect to happen from this post, but it’s nice to know that I’m venting in a space comprised of understanding people.

I feel my marriage of 12 years is coming to an end. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster from day 1. I suspect that my wife has BPD; she certainly exhibits most or all of the traits (as far as I can tell as a layperson). She’s never been diagnosed, and I doubt she would accept the diagnosis if there were one, or even put herself in a position where she would risk having anyone diagnose her.

She finally got (and has stayed) sober about 3 1/2 years ago, an accomplishment of which I am immensely proud and impressed. It is no small feat and I couldn’t be more amazed. Her journey into sobriety was no easy one, and it revealed a lot of my own unhealthy and dysfunctional nonsense as well. In short: I realized that I was just as sick as she was.

So I dropped her off at rehab and made a conscious and committed effort to joining her in the journey, the journey to healing and recovery. The journey to understanding, learning and growing. The journey to own my own PLEASE READ, to apologize when necessary, to let go, to make room for her to live her very human, sometimes messy life. The journey to finally understand and accept that I well and truly CANNOT live someone else’s life for them, and to realize and believe that I deserve things, that I’ve earned things, and that my time and presence on this planet is precious and should never be abused or taken advantage of.

I thought I had finally cracked the code, unlocked the door to a respectful, loving, cooperative partnership in which we could see and hear each other and have each others backs. Where we could hold each other accountable while still respecting each others messiness and humanity. That’s what I thought anyway. I mean, she’s not poisoning her soul with alcohol, I’m beating back my codependency, my low self-esteem, finally doing things for myself and trying to live with my chin up and my shoulders back. Good place to start, no?

Maybe not. Turns out that substance abuse, in my opinion, isn’t really the issue. I think substance abuse is just the form that the issue takes, it’s the visible 10% of the iceberg. I fear that the real issue is BPD, or some similar malady that has made my wife almost completely incapable or unwilling to engage in any lasting, consistent, cooperative, adult way.

She denies my feelings, quite literally. She tells me that I don’t feel the way I do. She moves the goalposts whenever she wants, whenever “my truth” forces her to acknowledge her faults or misdeeds. Recently we had a seemingly peaceful, non-threatening discussion about the state of our marriage and what I wanted to do going forward. I expressed my love for her and our family, how I was tired and frustrated but still willing to do the work. Except I would only do the work that she wanted to do too. No point in fixing a problem that she doesn’t see as a problem, or pursuing a solution that she doesn’t want. Perfect? Maybe not. But damn, a good place to start I think. Instead she literally walked away from that conversation. No response, nothing. The next morning she came downstairs and was literally red  with rage. Lips trembling. Hands shaking as she told me how disgusted she was with me and what I had to say.

She recently insinuated that I was having an affair. Demanded to know what I was doing, where I was, where I was the night prior (30 min late because I had to stop for dog food). Except I wasn’t 30 min late for a five course meal and romance until dawn. I was 30 min late for her in an already grumpy mood, no dinner plans, children not attended to and an otherwise sour and cold attitude. So, what was I supposed to be in a rush for? It’s like she wants me all to herself, and simultaneously doesn’t want me around at all.

So the next day she peppers me with phone calls and texts about my apparent infidelity. I’ve seen this game before. The old me would have caved, done whatever I could to prove my devotion and assuage her concerns. Except I know (or suspect, anyway) that these accusations really aren’t about me. If anything, it’s just a way of keeping things in a near-constant state of chaos, unrest and uncertainty. So I stood my ground, told her that she was out of line and I didn’t appreciate it. Mere hours later she’s texting me racy pictures of herself in a bathing suit, and the roller coaster keeps going.

We recently had a potentially serious health scare regarding our 7 year-old son. Doctors were concerned about a possible brain tumor and an MRI was scheduled. Of course I wanted to be there during the test(s), even though my wife is a very skilled nurse and is the medical authority in the family. I kinda feel like she didn’t tell me that the test was that morning until *after* I was at work. I called her; no answer. I sent a series of texts that were of Hallmark-card quality. How much I love her and our children, how much I appreciate her and her nursing experience during this stressful time. How I had a busy day at work that I would cancel in a second to be wherever/whenever to support her, and how our son is in good hands with her as a mom. You know what she told me? She didn’t like my tone. My tone. Our son is facing a potentially fatal illness and you don’t like my tone? It’s as if she was denying me any and all opportunity to be on even ground with her. No matter what she will find a way to make sure I’m in the negative. (MRI came back normal)

I’m just tired. I’m tired of constantly being hired and fired and hired again. I thought I already had the job of husband and father? Why do I have to keep re-applying for my own job? And why do I keep going for it? Honestly, crawling back into her good graces is the only way to numb out the pain of the firing. She will NEVER own up to the pain, the trauma or the anguish, so the best I can hope for is a shared laugh, maybe a nice day with the kids, or the proverbial makeup sex. I fear that I’m just as addicted to the cycle as she is.

That’s just a sample of the back-and-forth roller coaster that my life has become, one of which I’m completely tired, frustrated, confused and fed up. I love and honor her and our children but I’m learning that that love and honor really doesn’t mean anything if the object of those feelings denies my right to express them, or denies that they even exist. Not sure what I’m supposed to do while maintaining a shred of dignity and not breaking my children’s hearts.

[M604V]

Not sure what I want or expect to happen from this post, but it’s nice to know that I’m venting in a space comprised of understanding people.

I feel my marriage of 12 years is coming to an end. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster from day 1. I suspect that my wife has BPD; she certainly exhibits most or all of the traits (as far as I can tell as a layperson). She’s never been diagnosed, and I doubt she would accept the diagnosis if there were one, or even put herself in a position where she would risk having anyone diagnose her.

She finally got (and has stayed) sober about 3 1/2 years ago, an accomplishment of which I am immensely proud and impressed. It is no small feat and I couldn’t be more amazed. Her journey into sobriety was no easy one, and it revealed a lot of my own unhealthy and dysfunctional nonsense as well. In short: I realized that I was just as sick as she was.

So I dropped her off at rehab and made a conscious and committed effort to joining her in the journey, the journey to healing and recovery. The journey to understanding, learning and growing. The journey to own my own PLEASE READ, to apologize when necessary, to let go, to make room for her to live her very human, sometimes messy life. The journey to finally understand and accept that I well and truly CANNOT live someone else’s life for them, and to realize and believe that I deserve things, that I’ve earned things, and that my time and presence on this planet is precious and should never be abused or taken advantage of.

I thought I had finally cracked the code, unlocked the door to a respectful, loving, cooperative partnership in which we could see and hear each other and have each others backs. Where we could hold each other accountable while still respecting each others messiness and humanity. That’s what I thought anyway. I mean, she’s not poisoning her soul with alcohol, I’m beating back my codependency, my low self-esteem, finally doing things for myself and trying to live with my chin up and my shoulders back. Good place to start, no?

Maybe not. Turns out that substance abuse, in my opinion, isn’t really the issue. I think substance abuse is just the form that the issue takes, it’s the visible 10% of the iceberg. I fear that the real issue is BPD, or some similar malady that has made my wife almost completely incapable or unwilling to engage in any lasting, consistent, cooperative, adult way.

She denies my feelings, quite literally. She tells me that I don’t feel the way I do. She moves the goalposts whenever she wants, whenever “my truth” forces her to acknowledge her faults or misdeeds. Recently we had a seemingly peaceful, non-threatening discussion about the state of our marriage and what I wanted to do going forward. I expressed my love for her and our family, how I was tired and frustrated but still willing to do the work. Except I would only do the work that she wanted to do too. No point in fixing a problem that she doesn’t see as a problem, or pursuing a solution that she doesn’t want. Perfect? Maybe not. But damn, a good place to start I think. Instead she literally walked away from that conversation. No response, nothing. The next morning she came downstairs and was literally red  with rage. Lips trembling. Hands shaking as she told me how disgusted she was with me and what I had to say.

She recently insinuated that I was having an affair. Demanded to know what I was doing, where I was, where I was the night prior (30 min late because I had to stop for dog food). Except I wasn’t 30 min late for a five course meal and romance until dawn. I was 30 min late for her in an already grumpy mood, no dinner plans, children not attended to and an otherwise sour and cold attitude. So, what was I supposed to be in a rush for? It’s like she wants me all to herself, and simultaneously doesn’t want me around at all.

So the next day she peppers me with phone calls and texts about my apparent infidelity. I’ve seen this game before. The old me would have caved, done whatever I could to prove my devotion and assuage her concerns. Except I know (or suspect, anyway) that these accusations really aren’t about me. If anything, it’s just a way of keeping things in a near-constant state of chaos, unrest and uncertainty. So I stood my ground, told her that she was out of line and I didn’t appreciate it. Mere hours later she’s texting me racy pictures of herself in a bathing suit, and the roller coaster keeps going.

We recently had a potentially serious health scare regarding our 7 year-old son. Doctors were concerned about a possible brain tumor and an MRI was scheduled. Of course I wanted to be there during the test(s), even though my wife is a very skilled nurse and is the medical authority in the family. I kinda feel like she didn’t tell me that the test was that morning until *after* I was at work. I called her; no answer. I sent a series of texts that were of Hallmark-card quality. How much I love her and our children, how much I appreciate her and her nursing experience during this stressful time. How I had a busy day at work that I would cancel in a second to be wherever/whenever to support her, and how our son is in good hands with her as a mom. You know what she told me? She didn’t like my tone. My tone. Our son is facing a potentially fatal illness and you don’t like my tone? It’s as if she was denying me any and all opportunity to be on even ground with her. No matter what she will find a way to make sure I’m in the negative. (MRI came back normal)

I’m just tired. I’m tired of constantly being hired and fired and hired again. I thought I already had the job of husband and father? Why do I have to keep re-applying for my own job? And why do I keep going for it? Honestly, crawling back into her good graces is the only way to numb out the pain of the firing. She will NEVER own up to the pain, the trauma or the anguish, so the best I can hope for is a shared laugh, maybe a nice day with the kids, or the proverbial makeup sex. I fear that I’m just as addicted to the cycle as she is.

That’s just a sample of the back-and-forth roller coaster that my life has become, one of which I’m completely tired, frustrated, confused and fed up. I love and honor her and our children but I’m learning that that love and honor really doesn’t mean anything if the object of those feelings denies my right to express them, or denies that they even exist. Not sure what I’m supposed to do while maintaining a shred of dignity and not breaking my children’s hearts.

[SinisterComplex]

Venting will help. We have your back here. We are fam here. Share, ask questions, get the junk off your chest and out of your system. We are listening and paying attention. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[JazzSinger]

We welcome your venting. You are safe here.  My feelings are never validated by my hwBPD, so I get it.  I stopped applying for the job of “Good Wife,” because in his eyes, I’ll never make the cut anyway.  So I’m just doing me, until I figure out what my next steps should be.

Good luck.  I know it’s exhausting, and you never get your just rewards.

 Wish you the best. 

[M604V]

Thank you for responses. It’s comforting to know someone is listening and gets it. Thanks again.