Does it ever get easier?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Im 7 months out of being discarded completely by my partner of 3 years  (contact was cut completely with no warning and no shared information, while we were still together). The one tiny amount of communication I had with them via text a few months later, they tried to blame me and say that I left them, then ghosted again. I still feel so traumatized. I can’t stop running through my mind, feeling like there were times when I didn’t communicate as gentle as I could have, or things I shouldn’t have brought up, ways  I failed, and what I wish I had done different.

I’m aware that now they are seeing someone new, and I’m aware that they want nothing to do with me based on how extreme they cut me out. I know that they split on me, I know that it’s not rational or OK. I know what they did is not a normal behavior… I know all this. Still, I feel plagued about it. About how they said they wanted to be with me forever just a week earlier, how they said they loved me the night before, everything they told me in our 3 year relationship. It’s like my entire system is in shock.

I’m trying to do the right things to take care of myself. Trying to work on my sleep, trying to eat OK, trying to be creative still, trying to get exercise, I’m going to therapy weekly, I’m journaling. But the reality is that every morning I wake up with this intense feeling of anxiety in my chest and whole body that persists with me throughout the day.

Every day I get this low feeling in my mind when I remember all over again that this is the reality of my life. Every day I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inferiority and disposability. Every day I feel so depressed. I feel completely shut off to other people sexually and romantically. I want love, but I can’t even imagine being affectionate with or touched by someone else, the thought alone is insanely triggering. My brain chemistry feels completely different and altered.  

I experience brain fog, fatigue, Im struggling with executive function and I feel uninspired and unmotivated with my work - almost to the point that it’s hard to do it. I feel so much shame and self judgement. I can’t stop psychically going in circles feeling like I messed it all up and this is all my fault.  

And I miss my ex so, so much. Someone I talked to almost every day, spent many nights of the week with, talked about a future with, experienced and shared so much with. Someone who I still love. I feel humiliated that after all of this, after silent treatments, accusations, devaluing, being discarded, what I wish for most is just to be close to them again -  knowing they are  with someone else now, knowing they could care less about the fact that I exist anymore. And knowing that it’s codependent.

I feel like the cognitive part of my brain won’t fully click into place, and I feel stuck in this never ending loop of pain and grief. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Does it ever go away? Does it ever get better?

[lastlap]

Im 7 months out of being discarded completely by my partner of 3 years  (contact was cut completely with no warning and no shared information, while we were still together). The one tiny amount of communication I had with them via text a few months later, they tried to blame me and say that I left them, then ghosted again. I still feel so traumatized. I can’t stop running through my mind, feeling like there were times when I didn’t communicate as gentle as I could have, or things I shouldn’t have brought up, ways  I failed, and what I wish I had done different.

I’m aware that now they are seeing someone new, and I’m aware that they want nothing to do with me based on how extreme they cut me out. I know that they split on me, I know that it’s not rational or OK. I know what they did is not a normal behavior… I know all this. Still, I feel plagued about it. About how they said they wanted to be with me forever just a week earlier, how they said they loved me the night before, everything they told me in our 3 year relationship. It’s like my entire system is in shock.

I’m trying to do the right things to take care of myself. Trying to work on my sleep, trying to eat OK, trying to be creative still, trying to get exercise, I’m going to therapy weekly, I’m journaling. But the reality is that every morning I wake up with this intense feeling of anxiety in my chest and whole body that persists with me throughout the day.

Every day I get this low feeling in my mind when I remember all over again that this is the reality of my life. Every day I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inferiority and disposability. Every day I feel so depressed. I feel completely shut off to other people sexually and romantically. I want love, but I can’t even imagine being affectionate with or touched by someone else, the thought alone is insanely triggering. My brain chemistry feels completely different and altered.  

I experience brain fog, fatigue, Im struggling with executive function and I feel uninspired and unmotivated with my work - almost to the point that it’s hard to do it. I feel so much shame and self judgement. I can’t stop psychically going in circles feeling like I messed it all up and this is all my fault.  

And I miss my ex so, so much. Someone I talked to almost every day, spent many nights of the week with, talked about a future with, experienced and shared so much with. Someone who I still love. I feel humiliated that after all of this, after silent treatments, accusations, devaluing, being discarded, what I wish for most is just to be close to them again -  knowing they are  with someone else now, knowing they could care less about the fact that I exist anymore. And knowing that it’s codependent.

I feel like the cognitive part of my brain won’t fully click into place, and I feel stuck in this never ending loop of pain and grief. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Does it ever go away? Does it ever get better?

[Augustine]

Yes it does, but it requires a big step:

Unequivocal No Contact

If you find yourself ruminating, you must do everything to stop yourself.

If you think of some happy memory you had with her, do something to distract yourself.

Go for a run, go to the gym, go visit your fiends, pick-up your old university Calculus textbook and solve some problems, play your guitar, learn the piano, memorize poetry, memorize Shakespeare, anything to lift your mind away from your ex.

Do not look her up online, do not talk about her, just scorch the wretched experience from your mind.

Lastly, make sure that that she is permanently blocked, even if it means getting a new telephone number, or abandoning email accounts. 

This is your life we’re talking about here, mate, and it’s a bloody precious thing.  Too precious to waste on someone never worthy of your affection and loyalty.

[lastlap]

They are not a woman, but thank you for the advice nonetheless. I haven’t had contact with them in many months and they haven’t made any attempt to contact me. I have them blocked on social media, I am doing all of the things I feel like I should be to move forward. I think that’s why 7 months out it still feels pretty intense for my brain to feel this traumatized and frozen within it all.

[capecodling]

Im 7 months out of being discarded completely by my partner of 3 years  (contact was cut completely with no warning and no shared information, while we were still together). The one tiny amount of communication I had with them via text a few months later, they tried to blame me and say that I left them, then ghosted again. I still feel so traumatized. I can’t stop running through my mind, feeling like there were times when I didn’t communicate as gentle as I could have, or things I shouldn’t have brought up, ways  I failed, and what I wish I had done different.

I'm sorry to hear how much pain you are in.   Its terrible being broken up with like that.

As mentioned above, I would definitely continue with no contact.   When you have contact of any kind, it tends to reopen those wounds and feel like the breakup just happened all over again.   Same with getting updates about their dating life, if they are seeing anybody, in a relationship, married, engaged, etc.   Better to *never* -- I repeat *NEVER* -- look up that information.   Just assume that they have moved on and wish them well, but deliberately looking for it will never help you and almost always hurt you, until you are completely 100% over them, do not do this.

Since it sounds like you may have found that out already, or your ex may have told you the last time you spoke, its just a good reminder of why to maintain no contact.   And even that wound will eventually heal.   Also remember, that if your ex got directly involved in another relationship, its just numbing out their pain and, in all likelyhood, dooming that relationship to fail the same way yours did.

You, on the other hand, are actually facing your pain.   This is the only road to healing.   Facing the pain.   So it may feel lonely because you haven't just jumped into a new relationship, but in the long term --- if you use this opportunity to do the work --- you'll come out far ahead.

It sounds like you definitely formed a trauma bond with your ex, and as a result of the suddenness of the breakup.  I will definitely focus on this, through therapy with a trauma-informed therapist.   There is a long long list of things that can be done about trauma, but if you can identify the thing from your past (the traumatic pattern) that was activated by this relationship, I believe, you can heal the trauma bond which is causing the excruciating pain you feel right now.

[UnbalancedForce]

I'm 7 months out from a much shorter relationship and still have waves of this. What kicked me into gear was that that 3 month check in was to triangulate you because they were projecting their faults and yours, like mine, left for someone else. That stat on this site that 73% recycle 5 times or more. How awesome you are for not doing that! That is why this is so tough. You are really letting go. You love yourself enough not to sacrifice yourself for them. That is why it hurts. I get what they say that we are all codependent blah blah blah. That love was real. Don't forget that. That doesn't mean you need to wait around on it though. Just hearing your words and how they mimic mine gives me the confidence that we both will find someone that loves us this much. I feel that it hurts because it was so good, it was soo close, but I couldn't yet catch them fully. The Youtuber Mike BPD guy said losing his short termed 5 month BPD partner was worse that losing his fiancé to cancer. Enough said right there. Be gentle to yourself. Do not rush this. Broken hearts take all the time they need when you love this deeply. This was not a normal relationship. We are love addicted sadly. You are in therapy so you know that the abandonment trauma you suffered there is no words for it. It definitely damaged my brain. I have found Mooji and Eckhart Tolle (at the suggestion of another user on my post!) really has been changing my life. It helps stop the ruminating and being so tough on yourself. I am learning how to really appreciate this dark night of my soul and knowing this relationship was a tool to really see where my true faults are. Not the projected ones from our BPD's . Here's a longer article I found comforting on the history of unrequited love through history. It touched my heart maybe it can comfort you some. Just keep doing what you are doing. There is no time limit but you will become the best version of yourself. Your partner will not. That is why it hurts so much.

https://medium.com/@vardhanhk/whispers-of-the-unrequited-heart-embracing-the-sacred-path-of-enduring-love-e3fc59e239b4


“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” —Washington Irving