No Contact Guilt

[Parents! Get help here!]

The no contact has brought some calm, not waiting for the next shoe to drop. Still worried about my bpd child but the drama has stopped. But was told that BPD comes with a sense of abandonment so does no contact make it worse for my child? It was their decision about no contact and has removed my ability contact them but should I be trying harder to find a way to contact them to let them know I still care?

[MammaP]

The no contact has brought some calm, not waiting for the next shoe to drop. Still worried about my bpd child but the drama has stopped. But was told that BPD comes with a sense of abandonment so does no contact make it worse for my child? It was their decision about no contact and has removed my ability contact them but should I be trying harder to find a way to contact them to let them know I still care?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

I struggled with this too.  My husband had to remind me regularly that our daughter cut us out and not vice versa.  When you're the parent it feels like your responsibility to keep the relationship going.  But relationships require both people to make an effort otherwise it's not really a relationship it's servitude on our parts.  I hope that your son is okay.  I can't tell you what to do, just that it wasn't you that shut him out it was the other way around so you have nothing to feel guilty about.  Actually, even if  you did shut him out due to abuse that would be okay too.  They're grown adults and they are responsible for their actions.  Whatever those are.  Just my opinion.

[MammaP]

Thank you. I know you are right. You hear the instruction when a plane is about to crash put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others. This is also the same, I need to help myself to get stronger before/if I can help my son.

[Leaf56]

Mammap, my advice is do not contact him. He probably will contact you. My son declares every few months (sometimes weeks) that he's "NEVER SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN!" and then a week or month later he calls me. I'd rather he didn't. I'm over it.

[Sadmomforchild]

Our 20 year old has decided to cut ties with us. Its beyond painful and a roller coaster of emotion. On one hand there was relief which led to guilt for feeling relief from the life of walking on eggshells. There is intense grief. This is a loss much like a death. Its the loss of the relationship I had hoped to have with my daughter. Even if at some point she decides to be a part of our lives again, I have to radically accept that this is not the family life I had imagined having. This disease robs both us and our loved ones of peace and serenity.

[LotusS]

I can hear your pain in your post. And I understand.
There is Love. It is the only way and the only guide.
There is love on both sides.