New to this forum, feeling hopeless, looking for ... I don't know reassurance

[MammaP]

My son recently left a relationship and 2 children for another woman. That didn't last and he moved on to another relationship and posted she was the most supportive of all partners he ever had and blocked all his family from Social Media or anyway of contacting him, claiming none of us have been supportive. That relationship has now gone sideways. He was reported to children's aid and is only allowed to see the children with supervised visits. My head is spinning and I can't process this.
He was a difficult teenager, diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school. School was a nightmare. He left home as soon as he graduated and jumped from job to job. He attempted suicide. It was shortly after this he met his partner and entered what I thought was a stable relationship. We have stepped in so many time to pay bills, money requests etc etc etc.
I was told about this site, we believe he was given a diagnosis of BPD when he was admitted for the suicide attempt but he lies and manipulates so much I'm not sure what to believe.
His father and I divorced when he was a baby and I remarried. My husband has had enough, he is so angry and wants nothing further to do with him. Neither do his siblings.
My emotions are raw. The tears are never far away. I go from grief, to anger, to guilt. It feels so hopeless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

Hi, much of your story I could have written myself only I have a daughter in her 30s.  And she has not been stable enough to keep a partner for 10 years.  The longest I think was around 2.5 years.  But I keep finding out that she’s told people we were unsupportive and abusive on many occasions which is not true.  Quite the opposite.  We have helped and supported her a lot more than we probably should have.  She has a son who I adore and we are quite close as I have had to take over parenting duties on 3 occasions through CPS.  She really does not do well on her own.  She is all alone right now and I’m worried sick but I don’t know what to for her anymore.  With the lies she’s told about us I almost consider her dangerous.  My husband is also fed up.  He raised her from 3 yrs old as his own.  I left her bio dad when she was 6 months because he was extremely abusive.  Mostly psychological.  Her sister is done as well.  Everyone is tired of even hearing about her,  she is miserable to everyone and blames everyone else for her mistakes.  We can’t even have a conversation about her future or the fact that she needs help, she just turns everything around and repeats all her grievances toward us.  Mostly either complete lies or distortions of the truth.  She is also only allowed supervised visits with her son at the moment due to a recent breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.  He is with his aunt on his father’s side this time.  When in hospital we visited her a few times and she was very entitled and very nasty to us.  Of course now it’s all about how my grandson’s aunt (father’s sister) is trying to steal her son and not that she wasn’t taking care of him properly.  Never her fault.  So how do you help someone who has zero self awareness?  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Everyone says she’s an adult and needs to face the consequences of her actions.  Will that be homelessness?  That’s my biggest fear.  We cannot have her here we have tried that, it destroys our peace.  She even got discharged from the hospital early because she wouldn’t cooperate with the staff. I am not coping well either.  But I almost feel like I’ll lose the rest of my family if I don’t stop fixating on her.  How do you just move on when you know your child is suffering?  How do you help without enabling?  Do you let them fall on their face and pray that motivates change?  Good idea to see a councillor I am considering doing the same.  It’s like I can feel her pain.

[MammaP]

I found out today that he has now lost his job, which means it's just a matter of time until he looses his place and probably car. I still have had no contact. I'm worried sick that he will end up on the streets. He has tried suicide before when he felt hopeless and almost succeeded.
If my child had died I would be allowed to grieve and talk about him but nobody wants to hear about my son anymore because they are all sick and tired of the drama. They tell me to just move on. How do you do that as a mother. I can't do this.
This is an absolute nightmare that I can't wake up from. Today I just kept thinking okay one step at a time, one breath at a time because I just want to curl into a ball and weep.
I honestly don't know how to keep going apart from the fact that I have no choice.

[AcheyMom]

I’m so sorry for your pain.  I wish I knew the answer.  It seems so much more complicated when there are grandchildren involved.  This morning I found myself thinking that if I were certain I could save my daughter from herself, that this time would be different, I would maybe be willing to leave my husband in order to save her.  But she’s lied so much to me in the past and doesn’t seem to see any problem with her own behaviour so what would be the point.  But it certainly causes tension in a marriage, doesn’t it.  My husband’s remarks come off as very insensitive sometimes.  And maybe he’s right, I don’t know.  I am a very sensitive person and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I know sometimes I have not been tough enough with the kids.  The whole thing has done my mind in.  I’m exhausted.  I haven’t been to church in a decade but I’m going tomorrow.  I need something positive in my life and am not sure where else to turn.  Have a nice time with your grandkids!

[MammaP]

There is a lot of pain on this forum because we love our children and this is not the life we wanted for them. Funny I have had a similar thought about trying to save him on my own, but I think we both know that won't work and ultimately I think they will destroy us. I have 3 other adult children with families that would absolutely not agree with leaving their dad. My oldest son told me to stop focusing on the one failure and concentrate on the 3 successes but I read somewhere that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child.
I'm glad you are going back to church, my faith does help and stops me from going completely out of my mind. A dear friend told me I might not have resolution to this on this side of heaven. I often walk in deserted areas, like graveyards, and talk out loud to God and yes I have been know to yell and cry because I don't understand this. But having other people praying for my son and our family does help. I will pray for your family and your daughter.
My bpd son once admitted to my husband that when he was 16 yrs old he tried to break us up, and it almost worked we went through a very rough time in our marriage. My husband told me recently the reason he is so angry is because the person he loves the most is being hurt and he can't stop it. It made me think twice. He also bought me a book the other day about suffering, so I really need this man in my life, even when he says hurtful things about my son. He's feeling as helpless as me. My little grandson said to me today... "I really lub you grandma and a yike spending time wib you" and he is the spitting image of his dad at that age. Very bitter sweet. I hope you find some peace and comfort at church.

[AcheyMom]

I went to church with my  husband on Saturday night and out to dinner afterwards.  I felt a lot better afterwards and I think I will make it a priority again.  My daughter also tried to break up our marriage when she was a teenager.  My husband has been such a positive presence in our lives since we met when she was 2.  He helped me to regain my confidence after being in an abusive relationship (I think her bio Dad may also have BPD) and encouraged me to go back to school.  Instead of holding me down he was excited for me to grow and flourish.  If I left him and to help her I think it would be a nightmare really. My younger daughter who is so loving and responsible may not forgive me.  My husband is also constantly reminding me that I was a good Mom when I get stuck in my head and get into self-blame mode.  My daughter knows how much it hurts me for her to imply I don't do enough for her.  It's her go-to manipulation tactic.  Just yesterday she texted asking for money.  She's always had issues managing money and also has addictions like smoking 2 packs per day, pot and alcohol to self medicate.  I also know that she got a puppy last week.  She is irresponsible and right now cannot have her son because she was not providing for him.  I told her I was no longer able to help financially.  She attacked my mothering right away.  She told me that I was her mother and she was in need of mothering.  Well it's not a mother's job to pay her grown adult's expenses forever (She is 33) last I checked.  Plus it sounded to me she needed an ATM not a mother!  She was desperate and being manipulative to get what she wanted.  It was a reminder why I need to keep my distance. And not give up everyone else in my life to save her. I will love her and pray for her from afar.

[MammaP]

Your Saturday evening sounded so nice and I am genuinely happy for you. Your husband sounds like a great guy and just what you need, please don't entertain the thoughts of leaving that would be a disaster.
My parents lived through the great depression and I was raised on stories of how their mothers went without to provide for them. My own mother always put us kids first and at times went without. So I just assumed that is what a good mother does...but, this is completely different. These kids will destroy us if we allow them to. A counselor told me years ago that I couldn't save my son but I wasn't ready to hear that message then.
My son also has always been irresponsible with money as well as other things. Drinking, smoking, weed come before rent, food and bills. I was not handed anything. Everything we have we worked hard for and you are right we are not ATM machines. This last episode with my son was all around money and our refusal to give him any more, hence the verbal attack about lack of love and compassion and everything we have ever told him being an f...ing lie.
I am feeling stronger. This forum has helped me realize I am not the only one out there navigating these choppy waters and sometimes you just need validation that you are not a bad mother/person or selfish for stepping away. Even though I have friends and family who do reinforce this message you need to hear it from others who are in the same boat. I see the counselor this week and hopefully will get some more tools to help work through this. I pray for all the BPD children and their families.

[kells76]

Hi MammaP;

It's interesting, and sad, that so many members here have experienced a child or family member with BPD interfering with or trying to break up a marriage. It's a really hurtful way that the lack of boundaries, among other traits and behaviors, shows up. You're definitely not alone in having a pwBPD impacting your marriage.

A couple of thoughts came to mind as I read your posts, and while they may seem opposite, maybe they're just two sides of the same coin:

His father and I divorced when he was a baby and I remarried. My husband has had enough, he is so angry and wants nothing further to do with him. Neither do his siblings.

One thought is that if you and your H are open to it, marriage counseling may be very helpful. Not that the problems have to be between you two specifically, but because having a pwBPD in our lives takes a toll on relationships -- even marriages where it isn't the other spouse with BPD! Maybe a neutral third party like a counselor (or clergyperson, etc) could help you and your H get on the same page about some key issues, so that your son's drama and choices don't shake your foundation as much.

Seemingly opposite, but related, could be -- maybe counseling could be a place where you and H get on the same page about... being okay with each other having independent, and possibly different looking, relationships with your son. Sometimes we can feel like "well if H doesn't want to interact with Son, then I have to take H's side and also not interact with Son"; or, "if H doesn't want a relationship with Son, I have to convince him and make him have a relationship, because I want to have a relationship with Son". Now that all three of you are adults, I wonder if it'd take some pressure off for you and H to decide together "we respect each other's choices about relating to Son, and we are open about it with each other, so that Son can't use our choices to shake our marriage".

The pwBPD in my life is my H's kids' mom (and her husband has many NPD-type traits and behaviors), and even though she is not my spouse or child, she and her husband, through their impact on the kids, have stressed my relationship with my H. We do have a marriage counselor and definitely need him!

I am feeling stronger. This forum has helped me realize I am not the only one out there navigating these choppy waters and sometimes you just need validation that you are not a bad mother/person or selfish for stepping away. Even though I have friends and family who do reinforce this message you need to hear it from others who are in the same boat. I see the counselor this week and hopefully will get some more tools to help work through this. I pray for all the BPD children and their families.

You are very not alone in this  from what I've read, parenting a child with BPD, whether minor or adult child, is unintuitive at best and may look very, very different on the outside from "broadly normal" parent-child relationships. So much so that, like you're saying, stepping away and using that time to work on yourself can actually be the most positive thing you can do, even though stepping away might not be what a "broadly normal" parent does. It's okay to do things that look different from what you'd hoped for or expected. So glad you're seeing a counselor this week. Let us know how that goes;

kells76