embarrassed to ask

[LotusS]

Hello everyone,
I thought a few weeks back thinking with empathy about afew posts I read that We were still fortunate our case was not as bad as some..
But..
My DD20 lives at home with me, husband and brother (22)
She has been doing okay-she likes her therapist/each week- and is looking at a local outpatient place for 3 days that a friend of hers recommended (she won’t take that info/help from me.) She has been pleasant enough, just got her little restaurant job back. Stable. Sober.
But last week she seemed to unravel a bit. (you know how it goes when something is good.. they usually go down)
(That’s trauma ptsd too)
Anyway, i did something really embarassing and i hope very much that you won’t judge me. i feel bad abt it but i read her writing to see if nothing bad was occurring..
And well if i believe what i saw DD20 did some sexual favor for cash.  (and also did some coke - (although she also writes she does not like coke at all any more and does not want to go down  that road again.)
it nearly destroyed me. it was 2 days ago. i did not know what to and i told my husband. which annihilated him. he s been in bed since that day. he blamed me for his pain because i told him
i bounced back a bit. i talked to her.. saying i just had a bad feeling, a bad dream abt it.. and asked her if she ever prostituted.. of course.. « absolutely not.. and no i have not done come since i moved back-i know that i will not have a home and i would not do that to you or my friends who will righfully leave me if i do drugs. but recovery takes time mother and it does not happen overnight  and i ll have bad days. ».
that actually threw into an emotional conversation about her childhood abuse..and how i did not validate her (we still don t know what happened..) and I felt even worse all night:(
Anyway.. here we are. husband not talking to me. daughter (?) and son looking forward to xmas and me.. frankly in the verge of either fighting some more my way back to strength or for the 1st time in my life a bit suicidal actually

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sasha77]

Hi Lotus,
I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through! You absolutely do not need to worry about judgment here!
I have so many thoughts, and I am on my phone and not the computer… But for now I just wanted to send a quick response to say that you are not alone, and that I understand your feelings. It may not seem like it right now, but you can get through this. I am wondering (if you want to share)if you have a therapist yourself… I have found being in therapy myself to be a tremendous help in getting through life with my daughter’s illness.
Sending you virtual hugs

[Sancho]

Hi LotusS
I can really feel your pain. What you read was not something you could carry on your own - you needed to share with your husband and it is extra hard that he has been so devastated that he can't be there to support you. You did well in the way you approached your dd and the fact she is looking forward to Christmas is really good.

The first thing that crosses my mind is that it could be possible that what she has written is not necessarily factual. You say you don't have any knowledge of childhood trauma that dd mentions, and it is the case with BPD that the line sometimes between fact and fantasy becomes very blurred.

But let's say it is so. I know it is a huge shock - I have had these moments in my journey too. You are travelling along and suddenly something totally out of left field hits you. It takes time to process this information and it is really understandable that you feel so, so low. With dh floored too, you are unsupported in this.

In the first part of your post you write about many positive things that are happening - and they really are very positive. You are right when you say when things are going well there seems to be setbacks etc and we lose sight of progress made.

DD is just 20 and this will happen - 3 steps forward 2 steps back. But there are steps forward! That is like gold, something to focus on and hold on to as you go on this tough journey with your dd. You are focused on the long term outcome. The starting point is not as important as where you end up, and there are many factors at the moment that are part of a good pathway to that end.

I understand you feel sick in the stomach probably and don't know how you can keep going. The only thing I can suggest is what I would do ie read over and over the positive things that you have written in the first part of your post. It is no little thing to get these things happening: trusted therapist, openness to outpatients; managing a job.

The fact these things are there is due to your support, your care and your love for dd. The journey is a tough one, but be kind to yourself because you have done so well.

[LotusS]

thank thank you for being there and sending support and non-judgement.
i will focus on changing myself and how i conrinue to love and support my DD
i did reach out to get a therapist for me
i love everything you wrote  and i will do that
thank you fir all the compassion you sent to me

[CC43]

Lotus, I know you're hurting right now.  It's understandable, especially this time of year when the days are short and there's the stress of the holidays.

I agree with the other poster--there are lots of good things going on.  It seems like your daughter is in recovery mode.  She's talking to you.  She's getting treatment.  She's doing some work.  She's still young and has her whole life ahead of her.  For someone with BPD, these are huge positives.  Yes there will be setbacks--I can almost guarantee that--but she's moving in the right direction overall.

You may feel "embarrassed" for breaching her trust by reading her journal.  If I were you, I wouldn't tell her about it, as she might be triggered by that.  But in my opinion, you are completely justified in reading it.  She is at high risk, and safety trumps privacy.  It's a moral dilemma, and though technically she's an adult, emotionally she's still a child, and she's in your household.  If you suspect she's using illegal drugs, I think it's within your rights and your best interests (and hers) to find out sooner rather than later.  It would be different if she were supporting herself and she lived independently.  In my opinion, that's when her privacy would trump other considerations.

As for your daughter's traumas, I'm not going to try to diminish them, but I'd caution you take her stories with a grain of salt.  In my experience with a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, I've learned that my stepdaughter often has distorted thought processes.  She lies, especially when she's under the influence of drugs like marijuana.  Her reasons are multiple:  to avoid responsibility, to play the victim, to get what she wants (money, help).  Oftentimes she will invent a "trauma" out of thin air in response to a disappointment, so she can re-direct anger and blame, outward instead of inward.  Thus her telling of certain events is very distorted.  Though there may be a kernel of truth--an argument, for example--she tends to exaggerate and twist facts to portray herself as victim, conveniently omitting the fact that she's typically the perpetrator.  Initially I gave her the benefit of the doubt, believing that she experienced a grave trauma, but as the years drag on and her stories become more and more twisted, I don't believe her very much anymore.  She finds "trauma" almost everywhere.  The central reason for that is she won't take responsibility for her own choices, and she needs to blame others, but that is a whole other essay.  Suffice it to say that she's clinging desperately to victimhood status so that she doesn't have to grow up and change for the better.

I know the emotional turmoil you're going through, especially when exposed to someone with BPD on a daily basis.  That's why this site recommends plenty of self-TLC.  What has helped me comprehend these confounding behaviors is to think of my stepdaughter as emotionally immature.  Sometimes I see her as a young teen, with supersized dramatic reactions to daily stresses.  Sometimes I see her as a toddler, throwing tantrums to get what she wants.  It must be very hard for her to face adult-level stresses with child-level coping skills.  But my hope is that with therapy and medication, she'll eventually learn emotional resilience.  She's had it rough because she's delayed in meeting adult milestones--holding down a job, graduating, having a boyfriend, etc.--and that is adding to her negative outlook on life.  So in the case of your daughter, I'd be very pleased to see her hit some milestones, like holding down a job and staying away from illegal drugs.  And you are right to be terrified if your daughter is doing drugs, especially someone struggling with mental health already!  My stepdaughter was desperately suicidal when drugs were involved.

It sounds to me that you're doing things right and getting your daughter on a better path.  I know it's really tough.  There are periods of shock and grief, too.  I'm constantly cycling between hope and grief.  But it's not your fault.  Don't make yourself feel worse because of self-blame, as there are many other things to worry about.