Trauma Therapy

[Tanager]

My 27 year old daughter insists on going to residential trauma therapy on the opposite coast to where she lives.  She believes she suffered an abusive childhood, which caused her eating disorder.  My husband and I believed ourselves to be good, if not perfect parents.  We focused on our kids above all else.  We have  apologized for our mistakes over and over, but we were by no means abusive. I thought we had a happy family!

We support our daughter totally financially and have swooped in to rescue her from bad situations many times.  She calls me just to talk and for advice, but if we talk too long she starts making accusations.  She's quit talking to her dad.

She's now in an eating disorder center.  She resisted going to this particular center, which was in her city and more financially doable for us.  I was so worried about her so much that I pretty much agreed to the trauma center once her weight is restored.

My daughter had trauma treatment at her last eating disorder center.  We feel like she ended up identifying as a victim and blaming us even more. The therapists she has gone to don't advise family therapy because we are "toxic.". They believe  the false acc usations and don't give us a chance to participate or respond . My daughter says we would just "stonewall"  and "gasligh t" during therapy.  She majored in psychology and uses this terminology.  How can our family heal this way?

I want to tell my daughter we won't support trauma therapy so far away, and that she should seek therapy locally. Of course she says that the therapy she needs is only available all the way across the country.  Cost is a factor, though my husband said he would gladly pay if he thought it would help. He feels like continuing to get help in her city and also getting at least a part-time job would help her more. She needs to get on with her life and take responsibility for her own happiness.

I am not a direct person, probably too passive. I dread this conversation and feel like I should practice what to say. Last time I tried to assert myself she called me a monster. Her dad has cancer and it's not going well. She told him she hopes he dies from it.  We are almost 70 and this is wearing us down.  I think that's why I try to appease her.

I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation.  I want to help my daughter but I know we can't go on like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What do you feel would happen if you turn off the spigot of $ and let her navigate on her own while you focus on you and your husband?

What she said to her dad was beyond cruel.

[Tanager]

Thank you for your response, Turkish.  Like all the parents here, we love our daughter and want her to be healthy and happy.  We worked hard during her childhood to help her overcome a speech disability and associated physical coordination problems. She was socially awkward and insecure in high school and continues to be.  Things got worse when she went away to college and her mental health issues became evident.  We always thought that if w e could just get her through each crisis - cutting, suicidal ideation, hospitalizations, eating disorder, treatment - the list goes on. We helped her through roommate crises, bad relationships, bad living situations. We thought if we could just get her through college, through professional school, moved to a new city where she wanted to live, working in her field, she would improve. I longed to have my sweet daughter back, to heal the rift.

My daughter is high achieving academically and artistic.  She is empathetic and kind.  Just not to her parents. Her dad has let the abuse slide off, realizing it's her disorder talking. I was the peacemaker in my family of origin and continue to be.  Conflict is  hard for me.

Turkish, you are right that our daughter was beyond cruel to her dad. She says such hurtful things to me. I walk on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong thing and not validating her enough.   She accuses us of horrible abuse. Her older sister has been so hurt by this.   We continue to give emotional and financial support. We just drove hundreds of miles to pick up her dog and care for him while she's in treatment.

Your response has made me think a lot.  Cutting off the $ spigot and focusing on me and my husband - we haven't done that in so long. I know our emotional and physical health has suffered. I realize it's time to set some boundaries.