My BPD wife lied and cheated and then left a few months later

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need some help. My BPD wife lied and cheated and then left a few months later out of the blue. She was asking for time to work on herself, but I found out she still with that other person. Once I confronted her via email on the lies, there has been no response. One text out of the blue that was like from an acquaintance.

I don’t understand the no contact even though we’re supposed to share animals and she left many important papers and won’t acknowledge picking them up or bringing my key back.

Lastly, she follows me on FB and likes all of my posts. Even if they aren’t about my pets. I need some help.

[Rosie71]

I need some help. My BPD wife lied and cheated and then left a few months later out of the blue. She was asking for time to work on herself, but I found out she still with that other person. Once I confronted her via email on the lies, there has been no response. One text out of the blue that was like from an acquaintance.

I don’t understand the no contact even though we’re supposed to share animals and she left many important papers and won’t acknowledge picking them up or bringing my key back.

Lastly, she follows me on FB and likes all of my posts. Even if they aren’t about my pets. I need some help.

[Rosie71]

Also is NC - no contact?

[kells76]

Hey Rosie71 and welcome 

Oof. You experienced the dishonesty, infidelity, and then her taking off. That's a lot to process, and it sounds like it happened suddenly.

How long were the two of you together? Was there a time in your relationship where things seemed okay, or were there always red flags?

Tell me a little more about the "no contact" (NC) that's going on right now. Am I tracking with you that it seems like she is "doing" no contact with you, or is that something you are trying yourself?

Her following you on FB despite all this -- yeah, that sounds familiar. It doesn't seem rational or to make sense, and that may be part of the disordered behavior showing up -- it doesn't make sense because BPD traits and behaviors are by definition disordered. She may be struggling with fear of being rejected/abandoned, and so if she can control contact with you ("I'm the one in charge of keeping ties by liking FB posts -- I can control our relationship"), maybe that regulates some of her harmfully intense emotions, even though it doesn't track with her actions of cheating/leaving.

Can I ask, in all this -- what do you want?

Really glad you're here. Keep us in the loop;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hi Rosie and welcome to the forums.  Are stories are almost exactly the same.  My spouse left to work on herself, even though she had already fallen for someone else.  Lied the entire time and made me out to be a failure as a husband.  Not fun stuff at all and I'm so sorry you are going through that.

NC = no contact and it essentially means that you cut off all communication for a period of time.  Since you have pets together, then reaching out about that wouldn't be considered "breaking NC" if a pet was sick or something.  Likewise, reaching out about bills or documents is acceptable as well, although you should only do it once.  If she doesn't volunteer to come get the documents, give them to her parents or something like that.  It's not your responsibility to fret over that.

For the Facebook stuff, I don't know what to tell you.  BPD is an illness and not everything makes sense.  I do wish you the best though and feel free to ask away with questions.  You're in the right place.

[Rosie71]

Hey kells76

It was great in the beginning but there were red flags. I thought we were soulmates. Two months after getting married she cheated and I found out. She lied for more than a month before I found the text messages.  Then we were supposed to be working on things but I’m sure she continues her affair with her coworker and then abruptly snuck packing and left. We were together 4 years, married for 2 months.

I’m struggling.

[Rosie71]

I recently confronted her on email about the continued lying and that she was still with the other person. I addressed my desire to divorce and we should not have access to each other’s homes.  That she needed to pick up her important papers.  She only responded about sharing one dog and never addressed the other things.  I have changed all my power of attorney and will and I guess will ship her important paperwork. It is just crazy.

[Rosie71]

Sorry kells76

Typing on my phone I’m missing pieces.  I want things back the way they were.  I want to heal.  At the same time I would never trust her again.  

[GlennT]

A personality disordered person has a pattern of behavior that is ingrained and rigid. But we don't see that at first. At first, it is Paradise. The idealization phase is Heaven and we feel like their god. Then one day, for no reason, something ugly happens. We're ignored, insulted, raged at, abandoned, and it hurts like Hell. Our image has become tainted and distorted in their mirror. We cannot get back the first idealization phase again. They need a fresh human that does not bear the mark of their tortured soul.

[Rosie71]

I would really like to stop crying and missing who I thought was my person. It’s like a switch went off. We got married and she started connecting with a coworker sneaking around and still telling me she loves me.  Up until a month after the separation when I called her on her lies in my email.  Since then all communication from her stopped. 

I’m mailing her belongings and she has stopped liking my FB posts.  Now she has shared old memories with the dogs and things that said how happy we were. 

It’s like a switch went off. She all of a sudden said she hasn’t been happy.  But also said there wasn’t a point in time she thought our relationship was bad. She just moved on to another person. She knows she has a pattern. She has said so but she does it anyway.