Just finding this forum

[RibEye]

Hi All,

I am the father to an 18 year old son diagnosed with BPD.  After a 4+ year effort with counseling, therapy, and medication to treat what we thought was OCD and then depression, our son had a suicidal attempt by ODing on his Wellbutrin last December.  He spent 4 days in the hospital to recover from that and then 5 weeks at Menninger to become stabilized and assessed which gave us the BPD diagnosis as well as other disorders.  Since then, I have become the target of his frustrations and non-violent outbursts while others around him are all the angels, especially his mother (we divorced when he was 2 but live nearby).  He and I have been getting near weekly father/son therapy but now he has put an end to all communication and pushed back on further therapy.  I have come to grips with this since he first put this foot down, but I am struggling with my own pain from his rejections as I am only desperate for time with him to repair any of our issues from the past.  We put college this fall on pause to let him get his mind right, but I know there is a ticking clock before he does move away for college and/or just life.  Reading some of the most recent posts has been both heartbreaking and cathartic to know I'm not alone.  Open to any comments or reading suggestions for anyone going through something similar.  All the best.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi friend.  First of all, you are not alone and it's truly heartbreaking what you're going through.  My daughter is 24 and in a facility right now after life just got too tough for her last week.  It also started with her around 13-14 but there were some signs of something off even further back than that.

My best advice is to work on your communication with your son, and it would go a long way if you could start by both apologizing and forgiving him.  He probably doesn't deserve it and he'll probably blow you off, but it's a good first step and he will think it over some.  You also have to work on your communication strategies, which largely consists of validating his feelings while avoiding the stuff he's accusing you of. 

For instance, I can say something like, "I hate you because you're always ignoring me."  You might feel comfortable replying with something like, "I'm not ignoring you, why do you always say that?"  But that escalates what he's already feeling- anger and abandonment.  You can break that thought cycle by saying, "I understand that you feel like I can do a better job listening to you.  So please, talk it out...what can I do better?"

People with BPD are fueled by their emotions instead of logical thought.  So your job is to focus on their emotional state and validate that instead of the accusations or whatever they're reacting to.  If he's angry, then say, "I'm sorry you're angry, what can I do to help?"  That disarms him because you're reacting to his emotional state and meeting him halfway.

I hope that helps- again, I fully understand the levels of frustration you're going through.  Just remember that it's not your job to "fix him"...only he can do that himself when he's ready.  Good luck!

[PearlsBefore]

  Welcome to the forum, glad you were able to find us - sorry to hear it was necessary.



Unfortunately since our situations are different, I won't be the most helpful here as I have more questions than answers for you I'm afraid. Was he on Wellbutrin long, or was its introduction possibly what caused the suicidalism that I assume was his first serious attempt? You'll be slightly disadvantaged since the diagnosis is heavily gendered ("ASPD is the male version of BPD!" is the overly simplified slightly-ignorant-but-not-entirely-wrong understanding), which had led to therapies like Linehan's DBT (CBT but Linehan has BPD so she made it more palatable and less judgey for pwBPDs so they accept it) becoming almost the exclusive outlet taught to most mental health profesionals now in regards to BPD. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" isn't a great book, but it's everybody's first primer to caretaking a loved one with BPD, so it's the best starting point.

I think it's a really good sign that you were able to get weekly father/son therapy started in the first place, even if it's indefinitely paused right now (maybe he'd accept it less often, if it's monthly it gives him time to save up his complaints about you). You know your son better than anyone else does, if you read the literature and think it sounds more like Bipolar+OCD or Schizotypal+Histrionic or whatever combination - you may well be right, "BPD" is occasionally a catch-all term used lazily to say "omg we give up trying to figure this out, just stamp it with the highest level of problematic!" unfortunately.

[StepMothering]

I am familiar with Menninger. A lot of good practitioners laid their foundation working there. A BPD diagnosis is not given by them lightly, so this is definitely a good avenue to use to learn.

[LotusS]

Hello, I am new here too, and I really understand your pain and frustration with your bpd child.
 I would like to suggest reading the book “i hate you, don t leave me”- to help communication. I do not believe that our kids deserve any hostility from us-and when you read up on bpd and how to communicate, authors explain that we have to know they will say irrational things- part of the “aural and oral” dislexia - and not to try and “reason” with them.
My husband is excellent at listening and following  the “flow” of our daughter’s mind and she appreciates being simply heard, validated in her feelings-that’s what we are validating- her feelings- because the mental agony of this disease is real- I believe that saves us each time.
For example Tonight she face-timed-she was dissociating /having aural dillusions/ BUT she said” i m alone and so i know my triggers and so i did my make up, cleaned , and then i thought i’d call my family!” … she does. we listen. we listen. comfort. validate.
I try  not to redirect- that does not really work well. But i offer advice always with “I” statements. Seems to work best.
Don’t give up.