13 Years Later...Lessons Learned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It’s been just about 13 years since my relatively brief relationship with my undiagnosed (AFIK) exfiance. Oddly enough, It was about this time…just after Labor Day…that she totally flipped the switch on me. My heart was just ripped out. She was my first. Of course, things escalated so quickly. And there were red flags, but I took them in stride…thinking she was genuine. It’s so interesting looking back.

The HUGE red flag:
•   Divorced with a 1 y/o…second marriage…she just was in her early 20s. Due to my background (mostly my mother) I was comfortable with the Waify dynamic. I told myself she just needed a little TLC (!@#$!)

The others:
•   Looked at me almost worshipfully the first few times we met and just held me as tight as she could while I was driving down the road
•   Didn’t want to talk on the phone...Only wanted to text or chat on Yahoo IM (yes, it was that long ago)
•   Very Physical on the first date…seemed very rejected when I turned her down. It wasn’t too long before I gave in though.
•   Early on I got lectured for not sharing a Starbucks Frappuccino I had mostly finished by the time I arrived…for a solid hour (?)
•   Bought me a set of clothes within just a week or two. I think she was a little too concerned with “image” and wanted me to look a certain way. Projection? Control? She also wanted to pick out the shirt to wear for my birthday dinner.
•   Talked about other matches that were messaging her on Match.com (just seemed odd to me)
•   Becoming angry when I included others in the arrangements when I was invited to a friend’s wedding
•   I was told one date was the “worst date ever” when I didn’t go as she planned. I had been stuck in traffic for 2+ hours and I was hungry/tired vs being overly excited to carry on conversation.
•   Pushing hard for marriage and a baby. Wedding dress was bought within 3 months. Then the wedding planning started. Engaged within 5 months. The wedding was booked in less than 3 months. (!) Overall it lasted 9 months if you count the month of limbo before the breakup.

Like a lot of these unhealthy relationships, it ended abruptly. (!) Overall it seemed like we were bonding and things were headed in the right direction. I was devastated when she just took herself out of my life. We travelled the weekend of our wedding shower to pick up a Great Dane she wanted to use to breed. Luckily, I was smart enough to make her pay the balance we owed on it. The wedding shower seemed to go really well. Everybody seemed happy and we ended the light going out for dinner with family and exchanging some romantic I love you’s…but we met for our usual Tuesday for a movie and she didn’t want to be physical at all. Later she was texting, and she told me she wanted to hang out with a male co-worker. She kind of threw it in my face as if she was trying to upset me. Or course it did end up blowing up.

We made up…she admitted she was “broken and had baggage”. She stopped wearing the ring and was getting angry because church members/friends were telling her we looked so good together. (Just the Sunday before we were holding hands in the service.). She ended up stopped seeing me at all. She drove up to my place so she could take care of the Great Dane for a week. She was very cold toward me. Finally broke up with me and offered to meet in a month or so for lunch. She seemed mature and level-headed…as if she just needed a break. So of course that’s what I thought.

Fast forward a month or two and she’s dating the male co-worker she hung out with. That ended up lasting for a year or so. I actually made friends with a borderline who was blogging. They helped me write a note to attempt to re-connect. She actually wrote me back and seemed ok with meeting but at the same time she was very abrasive towards me. It was at this point I realized I deserved better and haven’t tried to contact her since. (I’ve noticed that she got knocked up before getting married just a few years ago…same story as her 2nd marriage…she has since had another baby. Miracles happen everyday.)

Seriously, I think her painting me black before marriage worked out as well for me as it could. I’m feeling as light and free as I have ever felt. I’m happy with a family. I needed that wake-up call that she gave me. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near any of that again. If anyone else is still struggling. I wish you the best of luck. It will get better and you will wish your ex’s well from a distance. So many of us don’t break the cycle, but we have that chance. I do grieve the years I lost because I wasn’t healthy but I’m more and more present and happy for the present and the future I have now.

[findingmyselfagain]

It’s been just about 13 years since my relatively brief relationship with my undiagnosed (AFIK) exfiance. Oddly enough, It was about this time…just after Labor Day…that she totally flipped the switch on me. My heart was just ripped out. She was my first. Of course, things escalated so quickly. And there were red flags, but I took them in stride…thinking she was genuine. It’s so interesting looking back.

The HUGE red flag:
•   Divorced with a 1 y/o…second marriage…she just was in her early 20s. Due to my background (mostly my mother) I was comfortable with the Waify dynamic. I told myself she just needed a little TLC (!@#$!)

The others:
•   Looked at me almost worshipfully the first few times we met and just held me as tight as she could while I was driving down the road
•   Didn’t want to talk on the phone...Only wanted to text or chat on Yahoo IM (yes, it was that long ago)
•   Very Physical on the first date…seemed very rejected when I turned her down. It wasn’t too long before I gave in though.
•   Early on I got lectured for not sharing a Starbucks Frappuccino I had mostly finished by the time I arrived…for a solid hour (?)
•   Bought me a set of clothes within just a week or two. I think she was a little too concerned with “image” and wanted me to look a certain way. Projection? Control? She also wanted to pick out the shirt to wear for my birthday dinner.
•   Talked about other matches that were messaging her on Match.com (just seemed odd to me)
•   Becoming angry when I included others in the arrangements when I was invited to a friend’s wedding
•   I was told one date was the “worst date ever” when I didn’t go as she planned. I had been stuck in traffic for 2+ hours and I was hungry/tired vs being overly excited to carry on conversation.
•   Pushing hard for marriage and a baby. Wedding dress was bought within 3 months. Then the wedding planning started. Engaged within 5 months. The wedding was booked in less than 3 months. (!) Overall it lasted 9 months if you count the month of limbo before the breakup.

Like a lot of these unhealthy relationships, it ended abruptly. (!) Overall it seemed like we were bonding and things were headed in the right direction. I was devastated when she just took herself out of my life. We travelled the weekend of our wedding shower to pick up a Great Dane she wanted to use to breed. Luckily, I was smart enough to make her pay the balance we owed on it. The wedding shower seemed to go really well. Everybody seemed happy and we ended the light going out for dinner with family and exchanging some romantic I love you’s…but we met for our usual Tuesday for a movie and she didn’t want to be physical at all. Later she was texting, and she told me she wanted to hang out with a male co-worker. She kind of threw it in my face as if she was trying to upset me. Or course it did end up blowing up.

We made up…she admitted she was “broken and had baggage”. She stopped wearing the ring and was getting angry because church members/friends were telling her we looked so good together. (Just the Sunday before we were holding hands in the service.). She ended up stopped seeing me at all. She drove up to my place so she could take care of the Great Dane for a week. She was very cold toward me. Finally broke up with me and offered to meet in a month or so for lunch. She seemed mature and level-headed…as if she just needed a break. So of course that’s what I thought.

Fast forward a month or two and she’s dating the male co-worker she hung out with. That ended up lasting for a year or so. I actually made friends with a borderline who was blogging. They helped me write a note to attempt to re-connect. She actually wrote me back and seemed ok with meeting but at the same time she was very abrasive towards me. It was at this point I realized I deserved better and haven’t tried to contact her since. (I’ve noticed that she got knocked up before getting married just a few years ago…same story as her 2nd marriage…she has since had another baby. Miracles happen everyday.)

Seriously, I think her painting me black before marriage worked out as well for me as it could. I’m feeling as light and free as I have ever felt. I’m happy with a family. I needed that wake-up call that she gave me. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near any of that again. If anyone else is still struggling. I wish you the best of luck. It will get better and you will wish your ex’s well from a distance. So many of us don’t break the cycle, but we have that chance. I do grieve the years I lost because I wasn’t healthy but I’m more and more present and happy for the present and the future I have now.