Grasping at straws

[BethS]

The last year has been a whirlwind for my family. My 23 year old daughter was diagnosed bipolar a year ago, graduated from college  in December, got laid off from work in May decided she wanted to go to graduate school and applied and got accepted. However her therapist suggested she do an IOP program for eating disorder before going to school. While in the program she was diagnosed with BPD. Her team suggested it’s best for her not to take the step of starting school which I totally agree and to focus on her recovery. Digesting all of this information as her mother has been incredibly difficult. We were always extremely close when she was growing up until about 9 months ago. There was a tremendous shift in our relationships with no warning. She acts like she has no interest in talking to me so I give her space then she feels everyone I don’t care. I have really been struggling to understand why the sudden change, where I went wrong as her mother and what I could have done different. If she only could understand that the I’m dying inside and grieving our relationship. Since learning of the BPD diagnosis and reading everything I can get my hands on a lot of her behavior makes sense now. I just don’t know what to do next.  This is really painful and it’s so nice to come to a place where other people understand

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks for posting.  I can relate since I have a 24 year old kid with BPD.

Let's start with what went wrong. You did something that made your kid question whether or not you're really there for her, and that incident set her mind on a path of re-thinking your entire relationship.  This could have been something so trivial that you didn't even catch it in the moment- maybe you went to dinner with a friend or family member instead of helping her through a problem she had in life.  And before you say that you'd never, ever do that, consider that she may not have verbalized the problem and just expected you to be there.  It could be something that unfortunate.

Next, what's wrong with you?  In a nutshell, you don't have BPD so you rely on equal parts logic, emotion, and empathy in all your decision-making.  Your kid runs on almost all emotion, so her behavior can sometimes seem out of place.  For her she's just being herself though and she doesn't understand why others can't always relate to her feelings in the moment.  What's wrong is you can't understand what you can't understand and you have to find better ways to communicate.

What to do next?  That's fairly easy as well.  Study BPD and read the stickies at the top of this page.  Maybe grab a book like "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd edition".  These things will help you communicate better, learn to stop enabling, and practical tactics for tough moments when little makes sense.

Also, the communication thing goes two ways- your kid probably feels like you don't care.  Again, probably not your fault!  But you fix that by reaching out and just showing you care.  Engage in conversation and always remember to actually say that you love her and are thinking about her often. 

On the flip side of that, you also have to establish clear boundaries on bad behavior, which you'll learn as you do your homework.  I won't go into that though since you didn't mention any hostility.  Good luck- we're here for you!