Revealing Secrets: The Dilemma of Sharing Truths Amidst Uncertainty

[Less0nLearned]

My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for almost a year now. We were together for 4 years. I ended the relationship after discovering she was cheating on me online. Despite the difficulty of leaving since we lived together, it was necessary. She has a young child whom I was around a lot during our time together. I cared for the child as if they were my own, even though the child's father was still in the picture. I also have a slightly older child, so I understood the dynamics of co-parenting.

After finding out about more betrayals in the past and present, I decided to go no contact. While she only seemed to care about herself, I still cared about her child. I maintained no contact for about 6 months. Then, I stumbled upon a shocking story online: her new boyfriend, the person she left me for, was arrested for a serious sex crime and other charges. This felony charge concerned me, especially in relation to her child's safety. I contacted my ex via email, and after a second email, she responded. She acknowledged that she didn't know about the arrest but felt closure upon learning the truth. She believed that the police had his phone, as she tried calling but received no answer. She mentioned I must feel validated, but she didn't want to discuss it further. I did feel validated, given the guy's known issues with drugs and alcohol. My ex also struggled with alcohol, leading to many of our arguments. Unlike my calm nature with others, I often argued with her. She assured me that she and her child were safe and were relocating to another state, alongside her child's father, which she saw as perfect timing.

Though it was a relief, it also brought sadness as they were truly leaving. A few weeks later, she contacted me about her car through a call, which I responded to via text. Later, she inquired about items she planned to leave behind and whether I wanted them. I declined, but our texting resumed. I thought perhaps honesty could pave the way for a friendship and communication with the child I missed dearly. Unfortunately, she proved unable to be honest, and this ultimately strained our relationship.

After the move, we had disagreements reminiscent of the past, but we tried to be friends. About three weeks into the move, I discovered she was already in a new relationship with a man she met at a bar. She wasn't the one who told me, so she remained unaware. It bothered me that she was introducing her child to this new man, despite discussions between her child's father and myself expressing our disapproval.

Her choices included her new relationship and continued alcohol consumption. I, however, could set my own limits and boundaries. I asked her a few questions about her involvement with anyone new and her drinking habits. She denied both, claiming there was no new relationship and that her drinking was under control. I felt caught between either tolerating lies to communicate with the child or cutting ties completely to avoid them. Unable to accept the lies, I told her I was moving on and ending our connection. She disliked that I saw through her deception, leading to a heated argument via text that eventually ended our communication.

Now, here's the predicament I find myself in: on her side of things, including her child's father, nobody knows about her infidelity that led to our breakup. Similarly, no one knows about her old boyfriend's criminal actions, including her child's father. Her child's father and her do not get along, and knowing his struggles, I consider myself fortunate not to have a child tying me to her.

The question remains: should I tell her child's father about these events, including the arrest? Or should I remain silent? The dynamic between the child's father and my ex is already fraught, and given his challenges, I feel grateful not to share a child with her. But on the other hand if I was in his place I would want to know this.

This could mean scorched earth for me, as she calls it.

[ForeverDad]

It is sadly typical that after a relationship with a pwBPD ends, there is no healthy way to remain in contact, unless you have to share parenting.  You just can "be friends", it's either all or nothing, as is so much in a pwBPD's life and perceptions.

I know it's not a direct answer to your question but unless you can anonymously let the father know then I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

[Pook075]

My advice would be to do whatever feels right in your heart.  You tell the ex and of course it will be fierce retaliation, accusations, etc.  Would it be worth it?  That's your call.

I'm in a similar situation with my ex and I decided to remain silent outside of telling our adult children.  But once I talked to my 21 year old, I found out that she already knew and was sworn to secrecy, which really made me mad.  My kid was 9 months pregnant at the time and didn't need that stress in her life.  And I've held it against my ex wife ever since, which is why I personally wish that I would have just kept my mouth shut.

In two weeks, it will be my grandson's 1st birthday and I'll see my wife's entire family there.  I've already decided that I won't say a word about my wife cheating to anyone, even though some will inquire what happened.  It's just not worth the blowback and eventually the truth will come out anyway.

Again though, it's 100% your call to decide if it would be worth it or not.

[livednlearned]

It bothered me that she was introducing her child to this new man, despite discussions between her child's father and myself expressing our disapproval.

Separate from the decision you make for yourself, it sounds like the child's father is aware of what his ex is like. I mean, BPD is hard to hide in a close relationship. It seems likely he knows. He may not know the details, but he knows his ex has bad judgment. No?

Then there is the issue of him choosing to move to another state. Is it your sense that he's attuned to what his child needs? If my BPDx had primary custody I cannot imagine moving away. However, it sounds like they may have made the decision together, it's hard to tell from out here among strangers.

The question remains: should I tell her child's father about these events, including the arrest? Or should I remain silent? The dynamic between the child's father and my ex is already fraught, and given his challenges, I feel grateful not to share a child with her. But on the other hand if I was in his place I would want to know this.

I think you also have to weigh destabilizing the child's home life even if only temporarily. This child has a BPD mother with addiciton issues, a father who came and went, then a temporary father figure (you) that came and went, then another man (dangerous criminal) that came and went. Another one is in his life who will probably not last. Meanwhile, his bio father is moving away and the child will be uprooted.

It seems like the question here is how best to stabilize the life for that child and whether that is your responsibility or not.

It also raises the question about "scorched earth" between your ex and the child's father.

If he is not in a position to create stability for his child (or lacks the will), then you will have stirred the pot in ways that can make it many times worse for the child.

[Turkish]

Agreed with livednlearned

Hard to say, but Triangulating would likely lead to more destabilization for the kid. Were that we could rescue everybody...

[Less0nLearned]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the insights, and I apologize for not being more active on the forum thread until now.

In regards to the discussions between her child's father, herself, and me, I should clarify that we were all in agreement that introducing new partners or love interests should happen after discussions between the child's parents. However, recent conversations with her revealed that her child's father is deeply concerned about who she brings into her life, especially considering their daughter's well-being. It was disheartening to learn that she dismissed his concerns after the child was mentioning new men in her life, even though the people the child recently talked about were her own family members.

When I mentioned "scorched earth," I was referring to her scorching my earth if I said anything.

Regarding the decision to not say anything to anyone, I've come to the conclusion that disrupting the child's life would be the result, which is not something I want to do. So, I've returned to a stance of no contact. This time around, it's much easier to maintain because I've realized that her inability to be honest provides no reason for me to be involved in her life or her child's life. It's a valuable lesson that some people may never change.

In this relationship at the final end, I felt like one of the triangular points between my ex-girlfriend and her new love interest. She would express missing me and send selfies as if we were still together, which was confusing and hurtful. Witnessing this behavior firsthand solidified my decision to distance myself from her.

Regarding their move to a different state, it was primarily due to the cost of living and a desire to be closer to her previously unknown family members as well as a clean slate to work from. However, I believe that their location is not the root issue; rather, it's them and not their location. Her child's father, while aware of her poor decision-making, may not fully understand the extent of her mental illness, which I witnessed during our time together. He never lived with her nor do they now, they were never in a relationship.

I've observed her lies, volatile temper, and arguments, which were experiences I had never encountered before her. Even her current living situation with her family does not reveal the full extent of her struggles. She tends to label her condition as ADHD, but it encompasses much more.

I didn't have much knowledge about Borderline Personality Disorder when I entered the relationship, but as I've delved into research on this topic, I've discovered that our experiences are not unique. The patterns, from love bombing to discard to hovering, seem eerily consistent in stories shared here and elsewhere. It's saddening that they may never find what they're truly looking for, all while believing they have all the answers. And hurting many people along the way. I'm not the last and neither will anyone one else be.

At this point, I must focus on moving forward and having hope for the best, as there's little more I can do for the child's well-being in this situation.