Estranged

[boonecooper71]

 My adult daughter has vilified her father.  She appears to be projecting her self-consciousness/anxiety/insecurity onto me by being scathingly critical of anything I say or do...it is very painful to take but I simply say "am sorry you feel that way" when there is nothing I perceive I should apologize for...although am very willing to do that and seek forgiveness when wrong. Having always been the extroverted, supportive, loving dad to an introverted daughter, I am always quick to praise and eager to help. A big part of this sudden backlash is likely violation of unstated boundaries...am staying away from communication or physical presence since my very proximity causes her anxiety.  While I have a great relationship with my late 40s sone, I just never would have believed my daughter could feel this way about me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Hi. Since no one else has responded, I'll just say that you're fine. It's her.

[Sancho]

Hi booncooper71
I think you are handling the situation very well - as well as carrying the hurt of it all. You say you can't believe your dd could think this way about you. I am not sure that her words are a true indication of what she actually thinks.

My dd is very verbally abusive, and I am constantly amazed at what comes out of her mouth. Occasionally I get a glimpse that she understands just how bad she is. A while ago she was in bed for a few days. When she finally emerged we were going somewhere and she was chatty. At one point she said 'I was feeling bad so I thought it better for me and for you if I stayed out of the way'.

My dd blames me for everything and I used to be shocked, hurt, confused etc and it would take me a long time to recover. Now I recognise this is one seriously ill person and this is one of the manifestations of that illness. Just as a cough can be a symptom of the flu, so verbal abuse (particularly it seems of the one they are most dependent on) is part of BPD (or many forms of BPD).

YOur personality might be a trigger to some extent in that there is a lot of turmoil going on in a BPD's head most of the time and it would be difficult to navigate when to interact.

Do you find texting works at all? I find it much better than verbal exchange. I think it gives dd time to digest what I am saying before flying into a response. I keep it short and not too frequent.  Sometimes I get a reasonable response, other times a tirade of abuse ( I just don't respond to those ones).

Walking with someone with BPD is like walking through a minefield - small, careful steps are necessary  as the best option to avoid a blowup - and even then there is no guarantee!

[AcheyMom]

Walking with someone with BPD is like walking through a minefield - small, careful steps are necessary  as the best option to avoid a blowup - and even then there is no guarantee!

It sounds like the only way is to keep walking on eggshells then?  I was disappointed when I started reading the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, flipped through to find instructions on how to monitor and change your body language to better suit the needs of the BPD. That still sounds like tiptoeing around them. A parent may be willing to do this for a while, but the rest of society certainly will not.

At the same time, getting them to “see the light” seems like a complete waste of time and energy.

How do you live with someone who is abusive and not let it affect you?

You’re a lot stronger than me.  I feel like it’s broken me.

[Leaf56]

It sounds like the only way is to keep walking on eggshells then?  I was disappointed when I started reading the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, flipped through to find instructions on how to monitor and change your body language to better suit the needs of the BPD. That still sounds like tiptoeing around them. A parent may be willing to do this for a while, but the rest of society certainly will not.

At the same time, getting them to “see the light” seems like a complete waste of time and energy.

How do you live with someone who is abusive and not let it affect you?

You’re a lot stronger than me.  I feel like it’s broken me.

Acheymom, I completely agree with you. I believe that it's of the utmost importance to never walk on eggshells around them or treat them differently than other people. They merit absolutely no special dispensation and treating them differently only exacerbates the problem and their life with others since they will expect that treatment. In my opinion they should get zero leeway for abusive, disparaging, insulting, or mean behavior. And I consider it the opposite of strength to allow myself to be treated that way. This whole thing did almost break me, but I've realized that I and the rest of my family are worth just as much as my BPD son, and I intend to thrive. Yes, I live with the sadness every day, but I hope in time that it will dissipate, but even if it doesn't, that's so much more preferable to being treated like s***. I went to great lengths throughout his life to be sure that I was sensitive, sympathetic, validating, kind, generous, and ALWAYS there for him. If that wasn't enough for him, tough. It's time to grow the F up, get a job and take responsibility for himself. BPD is not a disease, it's a mindset. He can change. He just doesn't want to.

[Sancho]

Hi Acheymom
I might be strong - I don't know. I do understand this severe illness and I think that makes it easier for me to let go while still living with bpd dd.

I very much think it is up to each person to make their own decisions about what boundaries, contact or no contact, how to respond etc. The decisions we make should be based on our individual circumstances and to what extent we can cope with the extraordinary demands of this very serious mental illness.

[Sancho]

Hi Acheymom
I might be strong - I don't know. I do understand this severe illness and I think that makes it easier for me to let go while still living with bpd dd.

I very much think it is up to each person to make their own decisions about what boundaries, contact or no contact, how to respond etc. The decisions we make should be based on our individual circumstances and to what extent we can cope with the extraordinary demands of this very serious mental illness.

[Leaf56]

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