Experience of shame and abandonment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m back… for those that remember my sorry- this feels like the same but different.
Over the course of the year my ubpdh and diagnosed bipolar 2 husband gambolled away all of our life savings and more. He was not able to build a new company after partying the ways with his old partner and after numerous failed attempts at the start ups he resorted to “trading” on decentralized platform with crypto. It failed. He lost everything. He also made some risky investments into “to be built” properties on the other side of the world which he now can not pay off. After covering about 50% of the total cost of the properties with his resources he is now requesting for me to continue paying for them from our mutual line of credit.
He is also selling our sedan to pay off the lavish collectable truck he bought 56 months ago. Every time I tried to start a conversation of cutting down all costs, since he has no source of stable income, and neither do I, it was made with suicide threats “if you sell, I might as well kill my self”. He keeps on humming the same song he began to sing during high stress high demands situation, with no particular musical tune “I’m a looser baby, so why don’t you kill me?!.” He continues singing these words over and over. I feel scared and disgusted. I don’t know how he came to making up this song, and it has something sinister to it.
Today after he broke the news that he totally gambled away all the money, I tried to keep rational. I have an upcoming exit exam from the master’s program and need to focus on the effective passing so I can provide for the family. I also need to apply and prove my competency as the clinician, since my degree is in the states and I reside outside of USA. I need to work hard and fast to bridge the gap, as the money I saved for the “rainy day “ are running out. I may last 6-10 months before I will need to tap into the secure line of credit and eventually downsize from the lavish mansion is twisted my hand into buying. For those of you, old timers, I’m sure you remember my posts on the ultimatum- either sell the old house and move, or I’m divorcing you.
The history is repeating itself. Now he wants me to sell our house and move to a different country, that has no social programs or care/consideration for women’s rights. I couldn’t do anything about the properties he purchased there, as I don’t have control of the crypto assets. I have no doubt he actually gambled it all away, as I saw him closing the margins daily. The money were chipping away day by day, and he manically set the margins to 15%. Our family doctor tried for him to see the psychiatrist, and he refused. I knew he would loose it all, as he did in 2008 when we almost lost everything. At that point I stuck around as I had a new born and no job or prospect in sight. I am now months away from getting my license and practice.
After I confronted him about selling the properties abroad he threw the keys from the car and his digital wallet into my face and said he was done with me and wants a divorce. He says he is done.
I feel fatigued, angry, furious, confused, lonely and resentful.
I went on every trip and supported every goal he ever persuaded.
At the end - all I’m eating is dust. Full of disappointment and heart ache.
He is pulling the plug on me before I can.
He is leaving me, now that we are on equal playing fields.
I feel abandoned and devalued.
Nothing makes sense.
He said he won’t pay child support since he is unemployed and he is allegedly giving me what is left of the crypto.
Somewhere deep inside I’m afraid he will act on the suicidal ideations- even though he told me he never would.
My magical thinking is wishing for a remote control to rewind back to the early spring, before he embarked on this trading journey. I wish I stopped him. I feel guilty for not standing up - even though he is a capable adult who made extremely good investments in the past.
Is this “it”?
We have a frozen embryo we wanted to transfer once my school would be done.
I’m still in the state of shock and disbelief

[snowglobe]

I’m back… for those that remember my sorry- this feels like the same but different.
Over the course of the year my ubpdh and diagnosed bipolar 2 husband gambolled away all of our life savings and more. He was not able to build a new company after partying the ways with his old partner and after numerous failed attempts at the start ups he resorted to “trading” on decentralized platform with crypto. It failed. He lost everything. He also made some risky investments into “to be built” properties on the other side of the world which he now can not pay off. After covering about 50% of the total cost of the properties with his resources he is now requesting for me to continue paying for them from our mutual line of credit.
He is also selling our sedan to pay off the lavish collectable truck he bought 56 months ago. Every time I tried to start a conversation of cutting down all costs, since he has no source of stable income, and neither do I, it was made with suicide threats “if you sell, I might as well kill my self”. He keeps on humming the same song he began to sing during high stress high demands situation, with no particular musical tune “I’m a looser baby, so why don’t you kill me?!.” He continues singing these words over and over. I feel scared and disgusted. I don’t know how he came to making up this song, and it has something sinister to it.
Today after he broke the news that he totally gambled away all the money, I tried to keep rational. I have an upcoming exit exam from the master’s program and need to focus on the effective passing so I can provide for the family. I also need to apply and prove my competency as the clinician, since my degree is in the states and I reside outside of USA. I need to work hard and fast to bridge the gap, as the money I saved for the “rainy day “ are running out. I may last 6-10 months before I will need to tap into the secure line of credit and eventually downsize from the lavish mansion is twisted my hand into buying. For those of you, old timers, I’m sure you remember my posts on the ultimatum- either sell the old house and move, or I’m divorcing you.
The history is repeating itself. Now he wants me to sell our house and move to a different country, that has no social programs or care/consideration for women’s rights. I couldn’t do anything about the properties he purchased there, as I don’t have control of the crypto assets. I have no doubt he actually gambled it all away, as I saw him closing the margins daily. The money were chipping away day by day, and he manically set the margins to 15%. Our family doctor tried for him to see the psychiatrist, and he refused. I knew he would loose it all, as he did in 2008 when we almost lost everything. At that point I stuck around as I had a new born and no job or prospect in sight. I am now months away from getting my license and practice.
After I confronted him about selling the properties abroad he threw the keys from the car and his digital wallet into my face and said he was done with me and wants a divorce. He says he is done.
I feel fatigued, angry, furious, confused, lonely and resentful.
I went on every trip and supported every goal he ever persuaded.
At the end - all I’m eating is dust. Full of disappointment and heart ache.
He is pulling the plug on me before I can.
He is leaving me, now that we are on equal playing fields.
I feel abandoned and devalued.
Nothing makes sense.
He said he won’t pay child support since he is unemployed and he is allegedly giving me what is left of the crypto.
Somewhere deep inside I’m afraid he will act on the suicidal ideations- even though he told me he never would.
My magical thinking is wishing for a remote control to rewind back to the early spring, before he embarked on this trading journey. I wish I stopped him. I feel guilty for not standing up - even though he is a capable adult who made extremely good investments in the past.
Is this “it”?
We have a frozen embryo we wanted to transfer once my school would be done.
I’m still in the state of shock and disbelief

[Notwendy]

Hi Snowglobe- I remember you. Sorry you are dealing with this situation. As I recall, your H often makes threats to "leave you" or "else".... the "else" being you need to do something or agree to something you don't want to do. This time, I think it could be that the "else" is the money you managed to save.

Is he really going to leave or is this something he does because it works for him?

In my own situation, I am dealing with something similar. BPD mother is draining her savings. I don't get it. She needs this for her own care. It's her money- not anyone else's but she seems incapable of rational discussion about it. It's like she can't help herself. Her equivalent of saying she is going to leave is saying she "might as well stop breathing". That is her default response to any attempts at discussion. She's in assisted living at the moment, with her checks and credit cards with her and not considered "legally incompetent". People, businesses, they are happy to take her money.

I don't comprehend this kind of behavior but I see it as some kind of addiction. Your H has addictions. I know you understand this- because your degree is in psychology. They want the next fix, and that's all they want in the moment.

This isn't personal to you, although I understand your feelings. He's run out of his own personal money- and he wants yours. One "conflict" between you two was over the new house- where he threatened to leave unless you also signed for it. This feels like a new situation to you, but it's a behavior that works for him.

Going back to the house- your H had drained his money and is on the path to draining yours. Just like the house situation, he threatens, scares you, and then you give in. You have mentioned that the most important thing to you is to stay together- and so, the threat works for your H because it scares you.

What these situations require is to oppose the "desires" of the out of control person and this is hard because, the default is to appease them. This is difficult to do. I think you have consulted a lawyer in the past and so, the advice on that is still pertinent. I don't know what the laws are where you live for a debt situation in a married couple. It would be helpful for you to know how to protect yourself from your H's spending.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Snowglobe,
It occurred to me that perhaps because you are on the precipice of finishing your degree and will soon be able to be self-sustaining with your new profession—that might be what has unsettled him at this point. That he wants to drain your finances now, after he’s squandered away the family fortune, seems to indicate he wants you to be dependent upon him, rather than the independent woman you are becoming. You’ve dealt with these threats before. In the past, they’ve been nothing but empty threats. Do you think it’s different this time?

Best, Cat

[GaGrl]

Snowglobe, what is your primary goal NOW?!

Saving/continuing your marriage?

Providing a safe place for your children?

Protecting your current assets (in order to do what? Again, children...).?

What can you do now, in the short term, to gain clarity?

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Snowglobe,
It occurred to me that perhaps because you are on the precipice of finishing your degree and will soon be able to be self-sustaining with your new profession—that might be what has unsettled him at this point. That he wants to drain your finances now, after he’s squandered away the family fortune, seems to indicate he wants you to be dependent upon him, rather than the independent woman you are becoming. You’ve dealt with these threats before. In the past, they’ve been nothing but empty threats. Do you think it’s different this time?

Best, Cat

This
Exactly my experience with trying to get a degree and license as a professional. My ex husband’s dream was to keep me at home  serving his needs, providing supply while he had no plans for the future. I was suppose to help him carve out a future while he sabotaged all my efforts. He use explode in rage whenever I was getting ready to leave for work, it was in the form of getting angry at the children for silly reasons. I didn’t see this pattern for years and towards the end of the relationship it became worse.

Snow globe,

There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there and keep future plans secret, walk in silence.