What does,one do,with the anger?

[JazzSinger]

I’m staying with my uhwBPD because financially, I have no choice. I’m using every coping mechanism I can find to make my life easier.  Thankfully, he has long stretches of sanity, but I find I’m still MAD AS HELL!

I’ve been picked at and criticized at every turn.  His “rules” are for me, but not for him.  He can eat or come and go freely, but the mere “improper” folding my my napkin is a source for criticism and rage.  He gets focused on every little move I make, like something as simple as turning a faucet off or on, and he’ll criticize the way I do it.   This is absurd, of course. But it’s extremely annoying and there is no way to make it go away, until he’s  ready.  I walk away a lot, but I’m still living under a microscope, until he gets off of it.

And then there’s the fact that we can’t have dinner (or any meal) until HE’S HUNGRY! He does the cooking — he’s better at it than me.  But I must WAIT until,he’s ready to eat.  And if I’m hungry, it’s an argument.  Lately, as much as I wanted to keep at least our dinners as something we could enjoy together, I’ve given up. I don’t care.  I just announce I’m eating and I put food together for myself, ignoring his protestations.  C’mon. Food is basic.  How dare him try to control it  make it  about him.   Yes. I know. It’s mental illness.  No rationale whatsoever. 

I look at him when he’s not doing anything in particular, and I’m ANGRY. I would love to curse at him, but I don’t. He’s such a disrupter.  This isn’t good for a marriage, no doubt.  It’s a death knoll, really. And he has no idea.  Still, I try to hate his acts, and not hate him.  He’s mentally ill, and I know it.

Thank God for friends, and for this website.  I stay busy. I’m social. I’m retired, but he makes staying home uncomfortable at times.  So I do what I can to get out of the house.  Lunch with the girls, movies, shows.  It works.  It helps.

But I needed to vent.

Thank all of you for your understanding. 

[Pook075]

For me, I stayed angry for almost a decade due to a BPD wife (quiet) and BPD daughter (traditional).  I used to scream at my kid over everything and in return, she did everything possible to rebel and keep me angry.  Meanwhile, her mom just shrunk away and let me deal with everything, with her go-to phrase "I don't care if you do that, as long as your father says its okay."  So I always had to be the bad guy and it infuriated me.

Fast forward a decade, and my BPD kid is one of my best friends in life.  She loves me unconditionally, is always here to support me, and goes out of her way to apologize for how she treated me growing up.  In a lot of ways, she's my biggest fan in the world.

Why the difference?  Two things. 

#1, my kid took therapy seriously about 2 years ago nd really put in the work to have a better understanding of the world and how to communicate.  She made one comment about how she regretted how she had treated me and my heart completely changed, I actually forgave her and let go of the anger. 

#2, I realized that the bad behavior from my wife and kid are because they are sick, they're in pain, and they're lashing out because they don't feel loved.  That's no reason for me to get angry, and I started approaching both of them with love and compassion when they were at their worst.  My wife and I have separated but both relationships are very different now because I understand why they behave poorly at times and I can love them a different way.  Now, their rage is not directed at me because I'm seen as an ally instead of a contributor of their pain.

Your anger towards your husband is directly linked to your ability to forgive him.  And you might say, "That jerk doesn't deserve it," and I would have to say that I agree.  But that's not what a relationship is about, keeping score on who was better to the other, and you have to forgive him because it ultimately lets you heal.  Forgiveness is for you...not for him...but it benefits you both.

Why forgive him?  Again, he's sick and in pain...at no fault of his own.  Sure, he could go to therapy and learn to communicate better, to do the work like my kid did to move past the worst BPD tendencies, but he's only going to do that when he realizes that it's necessary.  That usually requires hitting a "rock bottom", and folks with this condition can spiral a lot further downward than we can because they feel so intensely.  Everything is emotion for them and when they're down, they just keep going down further.  That's where the bad behavior comes from and it doesn't stop until they feel loved and secure.

Whether your marriage can be saved remains to be seen...for me, it was too late.  But I can tell you the path forward is to recognize that he's sick and forgive him for not handling it properly.  Loving him is optional, but loving yourself and letting go of that anger is mandatory since it is taking years off of your life.  In my case, it was a heart attack at 42 because I carried so much stress, worry, and anger over my kid.  I am so much healthier at 50 though because I let all of that go and truly forgave her.

This is probably not what you were expecting to hear and it might be hard to accept, but I promise you that it's a place you will eventually come to in order to move on (in the marriage or outside it).  Let go of that anger and accept the situation for what it is, he's mad because he's in deep emotional pain and he's reacting badly.  I hope that helps!

[Lenfan2]

I have the same problem. It's awful. The constant criticism over the most trivial things are what I  call death by 100,000,000  papercuts. I take some solace in that they are so over the top that it gets easier not to take them seriously anymore. But, I too have to figure out what to do with the anger (anger at pwbpd, and at myself for getting in this situation, anger at he universe for the unfairness of it all). Nothing is %100 effective but, together, I have found the following to be helpful measures to keep the anger from eating me up. In no particular order:

Vigorous physical activity (Gives you a quick rush and a way to displace the energy).

Mild physical activity/ walk in nature. (Calming effect.)

Meditation. Dan Harris' book "10% Happier" is a good starter on that, especially if you 're not interested in the New Agey stuff.

Alone time, especially to do the above 3.  (You may get some pushback on why you're not attending to the pwbpd every second, but this is a good place to set a boundary.)

All the  no-JADE, SET, DEARMAN stuff you see here. It helps deflect the attacks.

Reminding yourself this is over the top ridiculous and it's not you.

Church/ spirituality/ religion/ higher power, whatever your thing is. If you're a committed atheist, go all in on Science, and try and keep your mind on the  BIG PICTURE. But, whatever it is, make it a regular practice, not just something to give lip service to.

Therapy. (I don't think there is any way we can navigate this without qualified professional
assistance.)

Let your self experience the anger. Acknowledge that it's there, that it's understandable, don't judge it or try and squelch it, or act out aggressively on it;  consciously feel its sensations in your body, and let it pass.

[JazzSinger]

For me, I stayed angry for almost a decade due to a BPD wife (quiet) and BPD daughter (traditional).  I used to scream at my kid over everything and in return, she did everything possible to rebel and keep me angry.  Meanwhile, her mom just shrunk away and let me deal with everything, with her go-to phrase "I don't care if you do that, as long as your father says its okay."  So I always had to be the bad guy and it infuriated me.

Fast forward a decade, and my BPD kid is one of my best friends in life.  She loves me unconditionally, is always here to support me, and goes out of her way to apologize for how she treated me growing up.  In a lot of ways, she's my biggest fan in the world.

Why the difference?  Two things. 

#1, my kid took therapy seriously about 2 years ago nd really put in the work to have a better understanding of the world and how to communicate.  She made one comment about how she regretted how she had treated me and my heart completely changed, I actually forgave her and let go of the anger. 

#2, I realized that the bad behavior from my wife and kid are because they are sick, they're in pain, and they're lashing out because they don't feel loved.  That's no reason for me to get angry, and I started approaching both of them with love and compassion when they were at their worst.  My wife and I have separated but both relationships are very different now because I understand why they behave poorly at times and I can love them a different way.  Now, their rage is not directed at me because I'm seen as an ally instead of a contributor of their pain.

Your anger towards your husband is directly linked to your ability to forgive him.  And you might say, "That jerk doesn't deserve it," and I would have to say that I agree.  But that's not what a relationship is about, keeping score on who was better to the other, and you have to forgive him because it ultimately lets you heal.  Forgiveness is for you...not for him...but it benefits you both.

Why forgive him?  Again, he's sick and in pain...at no fault of his own.  Sure, he could go to therapy and learn to communicate better, to do the work like my kid did to move past the worst BPD tendencies, but he's only going to do that when he realizes that it's necessary.  That usually requires hitting a "rock bottom", and folks with this condition can spiral a lot further downward than we can because they feel so intensely.  Everything is emotion for them and when they're down, they just keep going down further.  That's where the bad behavior comes from and it doesn't stop until they feel loved and secure.

Whether your marriage can be saved remains to be seen...for me, it was too late.  But I can tell you the path forward is to recognize that he's sick and forgive him for not handling it properly.  Loving him is optional, but loving yourself and letting go of that anger is mandatory since it is taking years off of your life.  In my case, it was a heart attack at 42 because I carried so much stress, worry, and anger over my kid.  I am so much healthier at 50 though because I let all of that go and truly forgave her.

This is probably not what you were expecting to hear and it might be hard to accept, but I promise you that it's a place you will eventually come to in order to move on (in the marriage or outside it).  Let go of that anger and accept the situation for what it is, he's mad because he's in deep emotional pain and he's reacting badly.  I hope that helps!

Pook075,

I thank you for every word you wrote. 

Lately, I’ve been working on forgiveness — I realize  he’s mentally ill and can’t help what he does. But…I’m just human, and I get fed up. Still,  I’m working on it. It’s much better for both of us when I don’t get angry, so I pull back a lot. I also no longer fight with him — it doesn’t work. The mood in the room tends to soften when I keep forgiveness in mind.

Thank you so much for sharing your story too. It too helped a lot.

All the best.

[JazzSinger]

I have the same problem. It's awful. The constant criticism over the most trivial things are what I  call death by 100,000,000  papercuts. I take some solace in that they are so over the top that it gets easier not to take them seriously anymore. But, I too have to figure out what to do with the anger (anger at pwbpd, and at myself for getting in this situation, anger at he universe for the unfairness of it all). Nothing is %100 effective but, together, I have found the following to be helpful measures to keep the anger from eating me up. In no particular order:

Vigorous physical activity (Gives you a quick rush and a way to displace the energy).

Mild physical activity/ walk in nature. (Calming effect.)

Meditation. Dan Harris' book "10% Happier" is a good starter on that, especially if you 're not interested in the New Agey stuff.

Alone time, especially to do the above 3.  (You may get some pushback on why you're not attending to the pwbpd every second, but this is a good place to set a boundary.)

All the  no-JADE, SET, DEARMAN stuff you see here. It helps deflect the attacks.

Reminding yourself this is over the top ridiculous and it's not you.

Church/ spirituality/ religion/ higher power, whatever your thing is. If you're a committed atheist, go all in on Science, and try and keep your mind on the  BIG PICTURE. But, whatever it is, make it a regular practice, not just something to give lip service to.

Therapy. (I don't think there is any way we can navigate this without qualified professional
assistance.)

Let your self experience the anger. Acknowledge that it's there, that it's understandable, don't judge it or try and squelch it, or act out aggressively on it;  consciously feel its sensations in your body, and let it pass.

Lenfan2,

Thank you so much for the sharing, and the tips. I have touched on many of your suggestions, and I’ll keep going. 

Thanks also for reminding me that this is over the top ridiculous, and it’s not my fault.

Best wishes.

[Pook075]

Pook075,

I thank you for every word you wrote. 

Lately, I’ve been working on forgiveness — I realize  he’s mentally ill and can’t help what he does. But…I’m just human, and I get fed up. Still,  I’m working on it. It’s much better for both of us when I don’t get angry, so I pull back a lot. I also no longer fight with him — it doesn’t work. The mood in the room tends to soften when I keep forgiveness in mind.

Thank you so much for sharing your story too. It too helped a lot.

All the best.

LOL, we're all human...I told my daughter off the other day when she tried to justify disappearing for three days (it was good for her mental health, she said).  But once I calmed down, I told her that I loved her and I was very worried about her, and to just let me know when she had the urge to disappear.  It was taken in context because of the relationship we now have.

You will mess up and you will do the worst possible thing at times when your husband is unstable.  How could any of us not under the circumstances?  The key is to string together enough positive reinforcement so that those bad times aren't earth-shattering to begin with and you can actually have a say in the matter without losing it. 

I of all people know that's like telling you to learn a foreign language- someone comes at us, we fight back!  That's what our minds and bodies are designed to do, our brain even releases chemicals to let us fight back more efficiently.  Learning to resist that urge will do you well in this relationship though, and it's definitely something that has to be learned over time.

I wish you luck- I'm rooting for you guys so hard.  My marriage ending is so bittersweet because I'm much better off without her, but at the same time I finally have the skills to make things work.  That's why I still post here and enjoy helping others, I hope that you at least get to have a choice on how your story plays out.

[JoeBPD81]

I don't get anger when I look at her, my SO. I see a frightened girl.

But I do live by her rules and I can't keep up with them. We have 2 kids that do the opposite of what they are asked to do, and never admit doing it. And I get blamed and I get the lecture as if I did the same as them, when I'm more worried and alert about her rules than anything else in life, even my own health. So I know what you mean.

My anger manifest on losing sleep, I lay awake having conversations with myself about how unfair it is. Or how much she hurts me and why she can't see it.

She says we, the neurotypical people are the ones that have no empathy. But the empathy I want has to do with equality. If she hates to wait, don't make other people wait. If she needs to be told where I am and at what time I'm arriving home, don't dissapear and leave me with the kids asking where you are (and not answering the phone)... Obbey the same rules you give me!

I cook since I was 9 years old (I cooked then for my family of 6 people, not everyday, but often). Later I cooked for friends, and I studied, and got a degree as a cheff, and worked in restaurants for a few years. All the while learning and cooking for my previous wife and our friends (I got many a marriage proposals from men and women because of my cooking)... Now I live with a woman that doesn't allow me in the kitchen, and I eat kids food everyday. She can't understand what a huge part of my life has been sacrificed to make room for her rules. (Food is only a small part and it would be bearable if it was the only sacrifice and I got something in return.) But then I'm judged as if I didn't care about her. As if I was a selfish sneaky person trying to get away with my will. When all I do is working and being home for the kids.

I sometimes say "It's my house too" to her or to the kids. And she takes it as I'm excluding them, rubbing it in that I'm the one paying rent. When I'm asking them to leave me some room too. I don't feel it's my house at all. It's not the place I can relax, not the place I can get visits, not the place I'm taken care of if I fall sick...

Finantially I could leave and be better off. It's her and the kids who don't have a source of income. I don't want her to feel she owes me, I hate that. But she doesn't have to treat me as if I was the unwanted guest. And she could value that the only reason for not living alone is that I care about them.

These are the things that torment me when I try to sleep.

[Lenfan2]

"But I do live by her rules and I can't keep up with them."

"These are the things that torment me when I try to sleep."

Similar situation . . .so many rules I just can't keep track. So now I start to ignore them. Doesn't always go well, but I'm losing patience.

The boundary setting advice here is pretty good for blunting the excessive rule making, but it is a lot of work. Might be worth a try though for you because it sounds like you're getting to the end of your rope. Other than that, all I have to offer you is a big cyber hug. Stay strong.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for that cyber-hug.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[Pook075]

I don't get anger when I look at her, my SO. I see a frightened girl.

But I do live by her rules and I can't keep up with them. We have 2 kids that do the opposite of what they are asked to do, and never admit doing it. And I get blamed and I get the lecture as if I did the same as them, when I'm more worried and alert about her rules than anything else in life, even my own health. So I know what you mean.

My anger manifest on losing sleep, I lay awake having conversations with myself about how unfair it is. Or how much she hurts me and why she can't see it.

She says we, the neurotypical people are the ones that have no empathy. But the empathy I want has to do with equality. If she hates to wait, don't make other people wait. If she needs to be told where I am and at what time I'm arriving home, don't dissapear and leave me with the kids asking where you are (and not answering the phone)... Obbey the same rules you give me!

I cook since I was 9 years old (I cooked then for my family of 6 people, not everyday, but often). Later I cooked for friends, and I studied, and got a degree as a cheff, and worked in restaurants for a few years. All the while learning and cooking for my previous wife and our friends (I got many a marriage proposals from men and women because of my cooking)... Now I live with a woman that doesn't allow me in the kitchen, and I eat kids food everyday. She can't understand what a huge part of my life has been sacrificed to make room for her rules. (Food is only a small part and it would be bearable if it was the only sacrifice and I got something in return.) But then I'm judged as if I didn't care about her. As if I was a selfish sneaky person trying to get away with my will. When all I do is working and being home for the kids.

I sometimes say "It's my house too" to her or to the kids. And she takes it as I'm excluding them, rubbing it in that I'm the one paying rent. When I'm asking them to leave me some room too. I don't feel it's my house at all. It's not the place I can relax, not the place I can get visits, not the place I'm taken care of if I fall sick...

Finantially I could leave and be better off. It's her and the kids who don't have a source of income. I don't want her to feel she owes me, I hate that. But she doesn't have to treat me as if I was the unwanted guest. And she could value that the only reason for not living alone is that I care about them.

These are the things that torment me when I try to sleep.

I have a brother in law that's in a similar situation- they both had kids when getting together and there's different sets of rules and punishments.  That doesn't work at all because the kids are enabled to do whatever the heck they want and blame it all on the adult.  It drives my brother in law crazy and I keep asking him, why don't you change it then?  Why don't you sit down with your wife and work through it that you have one house, one family?  But they never get there and it's completely dysfunctional...somehow it works for them though.

In your situation, my main advice is to start cooking again.  You don't throw away your passions for anyone because it takes away a part of who you are.  You're a chef...so be a chef.  First though, you have to talk with your spouse and explain how much it means to you WITHOUT making it seem like you're a better cook than she is.

Why?  It all comes down to insecurity for the BPD.  I remember one time my wife had cleaned the kitchen, and she never would wipe down the counters, put away clean dishes, or sweep/mop the floor.  So I went to get a drink, saw crumbs all over the counters, and started wiping them down without a second thought.  My wife walks in behind me and asks what I'm doing, and I nonchalantly say that I was finishing up the kitchen...and she exploded.  I heard, "You always say I never do anything, and that I can never do anything right."  On and on and on, because I didn't recognize her insecurities.

Now, for that situation, I honestly don't know if there's a right way to tell a BPD that they only did 80% of the job.  Probably not.  But my logical brain took the bait and jumped into the argument, saying that she never does this or that.  And she'd go through all these stages or anger and sadness for days afterwards.  It turned into this colossal thing at least a few times per month, until I realized the solution. 

If the kitchen was a mess, I'd proactively clean it the right way while she was at work, and we never had to discuss that topic anymore.  Or if she cleaned the kitchen, I'd leave the counters alone until she was at work the next day.  Problem solved without the fireworks.

So if you want to cook, tell your wife how passionate you are about it and describe a dish you'd love to make for her.  Or maybe after dinner one night, go make everyone a surprise desert.  One easy thing I'd do every now and then for the kids is grabbing a tube of biscuit dough, slice it into quarters, and fry it to make homemade doughnuts.  Cover with cinnamon and sugar and it's a real treat.

The point is, you have to get back in the kitchen because it's a part of you.  It can't come at her expense though, so you have to make it about your passion and not her cooking.  You could start by asking to make a special meal for an upcoming day, then see how it goes from there.  It has to be something the kids will go nuts over though!

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks Pook075.

I don't want to get into it because I didn't want to "kidnap" Jazzsinger's post, just to offer her some support from my own experience. I'll send you an answer by PM.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m well-versed in the anger and resentment territory. I’ve struggled to overcome it, telling myself I should just forgive him.

But when the verbal assaults continue unchecked, forgiveness is difficult to find. I easily forgive others when there is accountability, behavioral change, and remorse. Unfortunately with pwBPD, often there is none of the above.

So, it’s perplexed me. What do I do with this load of anger and resentment I’ve carried for a while?

If I cannot talk with him without further *hurting his feelings* or engendering anything from pouting to a tantrum, what do I do with my feelings on this?

Talking to a therapist has helped. Posting here has helped. Still I’m a long way from *forgiveness*. I’m not even sure exactly what forgiveness looks like. Certainly I’ve arrived at a place where I no longer feel *wounded* but at the same time, I’ve got a good memory for the unpleasantness I endured from him.

Lately I’ve been taking some quiet time to reflect back upon all the cumulative verbal assaults and remembering each one from the beginning of our relationship. Some may benefit from writing this as an exercise, but I’m quite comfortable doing this as a thought exercise.

What I’ve realized is that even at the outset, there were so many incidents of “casual cruelty”—nothing that really rises to the level of abuse, just minor incidents of disrespect, thoughtlessness, selfishness. I ignored these incidents when they happened, but it’s interesting that years later, I can recall them clearly.

The irony is that he is so solicitous and obsequious to acquaintances and strangers, and would never speak to them in such a way.

This thought exercise examined many years of these incidents, minor and major, and I recalled my behavior, either exacerbating the drama or actively ignoring the insult…typically none of it good or effective.

Needless to say, I’m a big fan of dredging things up, analyzing them, but I’ve found that it serves no good purpose to share this with him, and have found that doing that as a solitary exercise has been freeing.

I believe that the past must be looked at, and understood, before I can let it go. And what I’ve learned in doing this is how much I’ve disrespected myself.

Appeasement doesn’t work, yet those of us who were trained in our family of origin to be people pleasers, just keep trying it again and again, even though it fails spectacularly.

Lately my attitude is that *this is what I’m dealing with* and I’m no longer willing to put up with   just to keep the peace. That said, I’m also not willing to participate in his drama. This requires that I be able to tolerate him being unhappy when I politely exit conversations that are spiraling downwards. I no longer am willing to play the subservient role, nor not call out disrespectful comments.

Last night, when being accused of unwillingness to talk with him, I said, “I’m happy to continue the conversation as long as you speak with civility to me.” He checked himself, and then continued for a while. When he started becoming snarky, I called that to his attention, saying that was crossing the line. I could see that it took a lot of effort on his part to control his emotions and communicate without blame and anger, but he did it.

As far as the *rules*—you are an active participant in your own enslavement. Does following the rules make things better, or does it just validate that they’re justified and therefore cause more rules to be in place?

[ForeverDad]

Still I’m a long way from *forgiveness*. I’m not even sure exactly what forgiveness looks like. Certainly I’ve arrived at a place where I no longer feel *wounded* but at the same time, I’ve got a good memory for the unpleasantness I endured from him.

I'm an advocate for saying that if forgiveness is a step too far, then try *Letting Go* so you can move forward.

I recall when my FIL was on the point of dying in a hospital, one of his daughters who had run away at age 16 and never once returned, flew in to forgive her father for abusing her as a child.  She felt it was her ethical obligation.  Not being one believing last minute deathbed confessions (more as crocodile tears) I suggested to her that she view it as Letting Go if forgiveness was too much for her.  I never saw her again so I don't know how she heard my advice.

[JazzSinger]

Last night, when being accused of unwillingness to talk with him, I said, “I’m happy to continue the conversation as long as you speak with civility to me.” He checked himself, and then continued for a while. When he started becoming snarky, I called that to his attention, saying that was crossing the line. I could see that it took a lot of effort on his part to control his emotions and communicate without blame and anger, but he did it.

Cat Familiar, Thanks so much for this. Tonight, I avoided WWIII.  His anger becomes uncontrollable when he discusses politics. It’s scary.  And sometimes he wants to discuss politics so he can blow up, and then call me stupid, as well as tell me I don’t know how to have an intellectual conversation.  So politics is a mine field.  I never bring it up. He does. And it’s always a signal that he wants to fight.

So I got up from the table and started loading the dishwasher.  This small action seemed to break the spell. I was relieved, but almost shaking at the thought of how things could’ve gone.  Next time, perhaps a better way to handle is to ask him to be civil first.  I dunno. Usually, by the time he broaches the subject, he’s on the runway and ready to be mean,  loud, and abusive. His eyes glaze over sometimes.   But maybe it’s worth a try.  I’ll have to gauge his anger first though.

Thanks so much.