Help with brother with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello there,

this is my first post and I would have so many things to say and talk about that I could write a sequel to War&Peace... I will try to stick to the essential and explain briefly my situation and perhaps in the future I will add more...

In brief, I think my brother has BPD. I really don't like to play the doctor/psychiatrist game, but after years of trouble I had to do my research and reading the description of what BPD is seems like reading a bio of my brother, and no other condition has remotely similar traits... You may then think he is undiagnosed, but that's not necessairly true. It may just be that I don't know.

Preface. My brother was adopted when he was 1 and a half. A year after adopting, my mom got pregnant and of course nine months later I was born. I think our childhood was really unremarkable, similar to many families. I had a good relationship with my brother, but of course 3 years diff means we were not really superfriends, always had different interests, etc etc. Growing up, my brother developed a very conflictual relationship with my mom. Of course, depending on who you ask, they will tell you a different story. If you ask my brother, he will tell you that my mom always preferred me, that she never supported him, always humiliated him, etc etc. If you ask my mom, she will tell you that she was patient with him for ages, and sacrificed all her life for him until she could not bear it anymore.
My reading of the situation is: my brother has been more and more difficult to deal with the more he grew up, he honestly sometimes seemed not to care about others and then different people react in different ways. Me and my dad have always been superpatient (perhaps too much...) while with my mom if you misbehave you are on the naughty list pretty much forever. Which means she will not truly trust you anymore unless you really change in a spectacular way... So basically, the way I see it, my brother has been more and more difficult and my mom as a reactions has been harsher and harsher with him.

Adulthood. When I just turned 18, my dad (who had always been the only one able to keep my mom and brother in "peace") had a stroke, and since then he's recovered but never to be who he was before. This has meant the situation has degraded even further. Or at least my reading of the situation, as I did not have my fatehr anymore between me and them. I stupidly always thought the problem was just an incompatibility between them. My mom kept saying she thought he had mental health issues, but I always ignored her, basically because I had no idea what mental health issues could be and thought it was just one of those times when she exhagerated things. I thought mental helath basically either meant depression or seeing little green men, which is super stupid of course but it's what most people who have the luck not to have to face these issues think of it, in my experience.
Problem is, he never really managed to reach economical independence, kept changing jobs and when he was staying somewhere, they were basically just making use of him for no money. So the main reason for always fighting with my mom was of course money, and he always used me to get to that. I initially sort of "enabled 2him, as he had studied to do a skilled job and found it unfair not to help him try and reach his goal. But the more time passed, the more I moved towards my mom side, in that we could not mantain him for life and he had to try and find a job outside of his expertise.

My relationship with him. I cannot say we've ever been best friends, but we also never had a bad relationship. He often defended me as his younger brother, and I never said a bad word about him to anyone. I often defended him with my mom, though of course for him it was never enough. After my dad's stroke, past 15 years have been a bit of a pendulum, but a lot of it has been huge suffering for me. He has started with repeated abuse over time, insults, threats, and whatnot and things have gradually gone worse. Usually the starting point is some argument he has with my mom, or with some other common acquaintance with whom I am friends and that he hates, and it basically ends up that either I punish mom or whoever else the way he wants or I am a terrible person, worse than them because I don't have the courage to do what he wants me to do. In the past 6/7 years he has repeatedly blocked me on WA, then unblocked me, then blocked again...

Turning point. About 3 years ago, my wife got pregnant. Not for the first time, I was scared to give my own brother a news that should just be the best in the world. Had a similar feeling when I had to tell him I was about to get married. Anyway, I was blocked, he did not respond to my calls, so had to announce him with an email... he never responded, if not months later telling me he thought I was not ready for it...
Few weeks later, he was dumped by his gf of 10 years, who called me shouting that he was crazy. After this happened, I had a brief moment when we got close together, I tried to help him and so on... Until he had to go back to live with my parents, and the abuse started again.
Few months of being blocked again and my mom tells me he has started going to therapy. That they have diagnosed him with something, but she does not know what because he does not want to say and there is privacy etc. He starts treatment. Suddenly I get a message from him one night that says I have always had a wonderful mom, and that he hoped to have a similar one. He says he has attempted suicide and that mom saved him. We talk all night and I cry like a baby. First time in 15 years I felt "free", but could not really be happy as my brother just told me he had tried to kill himself.

On treatment. For the next 2 years he's been on treatment (whatever that was) and things have gone better. at least there has never been abuse, and he seemed genuinely better. He just seemed a bit "sedated" all the time, and after that night talkign to me like that he slowly stopped writing and started replying only yes and no to all my questions. when my daughter was born, he never really seemed that much interested in her. Overall, I was happy our lives seemed better, but still could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, as he was not really working and could not see him leaving our parents' home in the near future. Then suddenly, he announced he was going back to study and left for few months, stopping treatment as he "felt good".

Breaking point. During these months, he started writing to me and calling me every day. I was super happy about this, but also a bit worried as I knew he had stopped treatment and was worried of what could happen. He started a course that basically ate up all of his savings. Then went back to my parents and I could aready see things going badly. Furthermore, my mom had decided while he was away to swap our rooms at home. Basically, she simply thought I need the big one as I had a family of 3 (then 4), while he was on his own and could stay in the room where I stayed with a whole family without saying a word for the past years.
He starts sending me messages about how mom is terrible again every day. I satrt suffering again and not knowing what to do. My mom is not really good at keeping her mouth shut if you make her fight, and so she started saying things that made things worse. Anyway, I always tried to say things like "I understand you, that might hurt", even when these were things that would seem crazy to most of us (e.g. thnking that you mom is a monster because she has said in front of somebody to clean your room). But it was never enough for him, what he wanted from me at some point was that I did not show my children to her until she gave him back his damn room. I said mom could do what she wanted and that if he suffered from the situation he just had to leave. One day he just blocks me again and says I don't care about him. From then on, for the past year he's only emailed me once a month or so to announce some tragic situations, and how we are all monsters, terrible etc, and he's the only good person on earth. My second son was born in the meantime, and he couldn't give aPLEASE READ, hasn't even sent a message. But complains I don't care for him because I don't give him money to leave when I go back to visit my parents. This is because he decided he cannot stay with us when we are there, so I haven't seen him for the past year...

The situation. So the situation is this. Things are getting worse and worse. My mom cannot stand the situation anymore, and I fear she is really close to kicking him out. He's 40, but has no financial independence and for the law (in our country) he might appeal and be sent back home.
I really don't think he could live on his own. He just keeps wasting money and cannot accept any job. He has started writing to say I am a monster because I want him on the streets and keeps talking about inheritance (something I truly don't give a S about) and bla bla. I have decided to stop being an enabler but this gives me two scenarios:

1) I don't do anything, my brother ends up in the streets and he's homeless for god knows how long. I will suffer at the thought of my brother living liek this and not even sure he will survive it.
2) I help him, and then I am sure he will just keep living on my shoulders. COnsider he lived at my home for 4 years in the past and then at my parents for years... He will most likely not get a job and I have a family... Also, highly likely he will make me fight with my family, he has already started insulting my wife and will surely do the same with my children, something I am not sure I would ever be able to go beyond...

So basically, whatever I do I will suffer from it. I tried telling him repeatedly that what he needs is 1) treatment and 2) leaving home and becoming independent. He does nto want to hear. He says I humiliate him by assuming he is not trying to leave home, and he says he's fine and it's all of us that need treatment. I really don't think there is much more I can do, but feel awful even more than usual.

Also, my mom is suffering a lot. I know she's been harsh at times, and her toungue is surely often too sharp, but I also know she saved his life twice, when she took him and when she saved him from suicide, and she dedicated all of herself to him and me, retiring after we were born. She might have been a concause in him becoming like this, but I really don't know nor think it is useful for me to conjecture. It is what it is and if she makes him suffer for whatever reason, then I think they should just live apart.

I promised few words, and this is already quite long... Thanks to whomever will find the courage to read all and respond. Anything you'd like to recommend? I see problems in anything I could do and I have lost teh strenght to do anything. Everytime I have to write to my brother I feel incredibel levels of anxiety and at teh same time I am anxius knowing his future is dire if he does not do anything... And mine and my mom as well...

[Strawberry29]

Hello there,

this is my first post and I would have so many things to say and talk about that I could write a sequel to War&Peace... I will try to stick to the essential and explain briefly my situation and perhaps in the future I will add more...

In brief, I think my brother has BPD. I really don't like to play the doctor/psychiatrist game, but after years of trouble I had to do my research and reading the description of what BPD is seems like reading a bio of my brother, and no other condition has remotely similar traits... You may then think he is undiagnosed, but that's not necessairly true. It may just be that I don't know.

Preface. My brother was adopted when he was 1 and a half. A year after adopting, my mom got pregnant and of course nine months later I was born. I think our childhood was really unremarkable, similar to many families. I had a good relationship with my brother, but of course 3 years diff means we were not really superfriends, always had different interests, etc etc. Growing up, my brother developed a very conflictual relationship with my mom. Of course, depending on who you ask, they will tell you a different story. If you ask my brother, he will tell you that my mom always preferred me, that she never supported him, always humiliated him, etc etc. If you ask my mom, she will tell you that she was patient with him for ages, and sacrificed all her life for him until she could not bear it anymore.
My reading of the situation is: my brother has been more and more difficult to deal with the more he grew up, he honestly sometimes seemed not to care about others and then different people react in different ways. Me and my dad have always been superpatient (perhaps too much...) while with my mom if you misbehave you are on the naughty list pretty much forever. Which means she will not truly trust you anymore unless you really change in a spectacular way... So basically, the way I see it, my brother has been more and more difficult and my mom as a reactions has been harsher and harsher with him.

Adulthood. When I just turned 18, my dad (who had always been the only one able to keep my mom and brother in "peace") had a stroke, and since then he's recovered but never to be who he was before. This has meant the situation has degraded even further. Or at least my reading of the situation, as I did not have my fatehr anymore between me and them. I stupidly always thought the problem was just an incompatibility between them. My mom kept saying she thought he had mental health issues, but I always ignored her, basically because I had no idea what mental health issues could be and thought it was just one of those times when she exhagerated things. I thought mental helath basically either meant depression or seeing little green men, which is super stupid of course but it's what most people who have the luck not to have to face these issues think of it, in my experience.
Problem is, he never really managed to reach economical independence, kept changing jobs and when he was staying somewhere, they were basically just making use of him for no money. So the main reason for always fighting with my mom was of course money, and he always used me to get to that. I initially sort of "enabled 2him, as he had studied to do a skilled job and found it unfair not to help him try and reach his goal. But the more time passed, the more I moved towards my mom side, in that we could not mantain him for life and he had to try and find a job outside of his expertise.

My relationship with him. I cannot say we've ever been best friends, but we also never had a bad relationship. He often defended me as his younger brother, and I never said a bad word about him to anyone. I often defended him with my mom, though of course for him it was never enough. After my dad's stroke, past 15 years have been a bit of a pendulum, but a lot of it has been huge suffering for me. He has started with repeated abuse over time, insults, threats, and whatnot and things have gradually gone worse. Usually the starting point is some argument he has with my mom, or with some other common acquaintance with whom I am friends and that he hates, and it basically ends up that either I punish mom or whoever else the way he wants or I am a terrible person, worse than them because I don't have the courage to do what he wants me to do. In the past 6/7 years he has repeatedly blocked me on WA, then unblocked me, then blocked again...

Turning point. About 3 years ago, my wife got pregnant. Not for the first time, I was scared to give my own brother a news that should just be the best in the world. Had a similar feeling when I had to tell him I was about to get married. Anyway, I was blocked, he did not respond to my calls, so had to announce him with an email... he never responded, if not months later telling me he thought I was not ready for it...
Few weeks later, he was dumped by his gf of 10 years, who called me shouting that he was crazy. After this happened, I had a brief moment when we got close together, I tried to help him and so on... Until he had to go back to live with my parents, and the abuse started again.
Few months of being blocked again and my mom tells me he has started going to therapy. That they have diagnosed him with something, but she does not know what because he does not want to say and there is privacy etc. He starts treatment. Suddenly I get a message from him one night that says I have always had a wonderful mom, and that he hoped to have a similar one. He says he has attempted suicide and that mom saved him. We talk all night and I cry like a baby. First time in 15 years I felt "free", but could not really be happy as my brother just told me he had tried to kill himself.

On treatment. For the next 2 years he's been on treatment (whatever that was) and things have gone better. at least there has never been abuse, and he seemed genuinely better. He just seemed a bit "sedated" all the time, and after that night talkign to me like that he slowly stopped writing and started replying only yes and no to all my questions. when my daughter was born, he never really seemed that much interested in her. Overall, I was happy our lives seemed better, but still could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, as he was not really working and could not see him leaving our parents' home in the near future. Then suddenly, he announced he was going back to study and left for few months, stopping treatment as he "felt good".

Breaking point. During these months, he started writing to me and calling me every day. I was super happy about this, but also a bit worried as I knew he had stopped treatment and was worried of what could happen. He started a course that basically ate up all of his savings. Then went back to my parents and I could aready see things going badly. Furthermore, my mom had decided while he was away to swap our rooms at home. Basically, she simply thought I need the big one as I had a family of 3 (then 4), while he was on his own and could stay in the room where I stayed with a whole family without saying a word for the past years.
He starts sending me messages about how mom is terrible again every day. I satrt suffering again and not knowing what to do. My mom is not really good at keeping her mouth shut if you make her fight, and so she started saying things that made things worse. Anyway, I always tried to say things like "I understand you, that might hurt", even when these were things that would seem crazy to most of us (e.g. thnking that you mom is a monster because she has said in front of somebody to clean your room). But it was never enough for him, what he wanted from me at some point was that I did not show my children to her until she gave him back his damn room. I said mom could do what she wanted and that if he suffered from the situation he just had to leave. One day he just blocks me again and says I don't care about him. From then on, for the past year he's only emailed me once a month or so to announce some tragic situations, and how we are all monsters, terrible etc, and he's the only good person on earth. My second son was born in the meantime, and he couldn't give aPLEASE READ, hasn't even sent a message. But complains I don't care for him because I don't give him money to leave when I go back to visit my parents. This is because he decided he cannot stay with us when we are there, so I haven't seen him for the past year...

The situation. So the situation is this. Things are getting worse and worse. My mom cannot stand the situation anymore, and I fear she is really close to kicking him out. He's 40, but has no financial independence and for the law (in our country) he might appeal and be sent back home.
I really don't think he could live on his own. He just keeps wasting money and cannot accept any job. He has started writing to say I am a monster because I want him on the streets and keeps talking about inheritance (something I truly don't give a S about) and bla bla. I have decided to stop being an enabler but this gives me two scenarios:

1) I don't do anything, my brother ends up in the streets and he's homeless for god knows how long. I will suffer at the thought of my brother living liek this and not even sure he will survive it.
2) I help him, and then I am sure he will just keep living on my shoulders. COnsider he lived at my home for 4 years in the past and then at my parents for years... He will most likely not get a job and I have a family... Also, highly likely he will make me fight with my family, he has already started insulting my wife and will surely do the same with my children, something I am not sure I would ever be able to go beyond...

So basically, whatever I do I will suffer from it. I tried telling him repeatedly that what he needs is 1) treatment and 2) leaving home and becoming independent. He does nto want to hear. He says I humiliate him by assuming he is not trying to leave home, and he says he's fine and it's all of us that need treatment. I really don't think there is much more I can do, but feel awful even more than usual.

Also, my mom is suffering a lot. I know she's been harsh at times, and her toungue is surely often too sharp, but I also know she saved his life twice, when she took him and when she saved him from suicide, and she dedicated all of herself to him and me, retiring after we were born. She might have been a concause in him becoming like this, but I really don't know nor think it is useful for me to conjecture. It is what it is and if she makes him suffer for whatever reason, then I think they should just live apart.

I promised few words, and this is already quite long... Thanks to whomever will find the courage to read all and respond. Anything you'd like to recommend? I see problems in anything I could do and I have lost teh strenght to do anything. Everytime I have to write to my brother I feel incredibel levels of anxiety and at teh same time I am anxius knowing his future is dire if he does not do anything... And mine and my mom as well...