Recently discarded by my ubpd ex and now coparenting

[Doctordoom88]

I was with my ubpd ex for 4.5yrs and we have a 3.5 yo daughter together. The first 2.5yrs was rough but I think she idolized me for that period. I would push her away because I had never experienced someone that clingy or needy. I feel like this extended the period of idolization. She would throw tantrums if i didnt have sex with her and/or spend nearly every evening hanging out in some capacity. At the 2.5yr mark we started couples counseling and I became more understanding and sensitive to her mood swings. I became the nice guy. At this point she started turning and the cheating ramped up. I caught her twice (it was probably much more than that) and forgave her (foolishly), mainly because we had a kid together and she was very dependent upon me financially. Her being financially dependent made breaking up hard. She had a high school diploma with no job or skills on top of being very lazy and I have a successful business. She had it all - credit card (which she abused by spending around 10k a month on clothes and misc items), full time nanny, big house, trips etc. I always pushed her to go to school or do something with her life and she would get mad at the suggestion. In May she cheated on me and left in a flash. Didnt see her daughter for a week and came home with marks all over her legs and ass (turns out it was from hardcore bdsm). At this point I kicked her out but got her an apartment and gave her some money to start her life with monthly child support. For 2 months we were broken up but still talking and even hanging out sometimes. Then I found out she started a relationship with the guy that she cheated on me with. He lived in Canada and they had seen each other twice but they were talking everyday. I said im out of your life if you continue talking to him and I could tell it was a painful decision for her but she let him go..or so i thought. We tried to reconcile for the following 2 months but it ended up crashing 2 weeks ago. She had trouble having sex with me and couldnt kiss me or give me affection. I didnt understand what was happening but I think I do now. I believe she was still in love with the Canada guy and had painted me black at that point. The funny thing is the night before we broke up we had the craziest hottest sex, next morning was normal and then after lunch she broke up. It happened so fast. She has no skills, no job, an apartment i pay for and 2k a month child support. This is a girl that would spend 10k a month on a credit card on really dumb stuff. I dont get it. How can you leave such a good, stable situation and a man that loves you and YOUR daughter to have a long distance relationship with a guy that is apparently not all that and become a single mom, however she does say he's really good looking and good in bed. Ive been in no contact as best as possible since we broke up and she was texting me a bunch the first week about little things like facetiming our daughter or asking for small items that she should be buying. I told her i will be ignoring those requests and since then I havent heard anything. We have split custody with set days so we really dont have to talk or see each other at all. Should I expect her coming back at some point? We left on a good note and I told her I respect her decision to leave and didnt beg for her to stay. I did turn completely cold right after and have not texted her once and only respond with short answers to her texts. Do BPD's give up when they realize youre done? I dont want her back but of course my ego wants to know she may think for a moment she made a mistake.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine the stress and pain you're under.  We've all been there and its not fun at all.  I'll try to answer a few of your questions the best I can, and I'm sure others will chime in with their experiences as well.

In May she cheated on me and left in a flash. Didnt see her daughter for a week and came home with marks all over her legs and ass (turns out it was from hardcore bdsm). At this point I kicked her out but got her an apartment and gave her some money to start her life with monthly child support.

In BPD relationships, the BPD will usually have another romantic interest or new favorite person lined up before they leave.  I don't know the reason why, but I'm guessing its the only way that they can recover from the pain they're self-inflicting through bad decisions.  Another part may be the impulsivity- this stinks, that looks great.  So I'll go do that! 

In other parts of your post, you mentioned that you're successful and that's a blessing that you have enough money to support her in an apartment with a healthy child support payment.  But I can't help but wonder if jumping to that decision immediately was the correct move.  She has a place to live and enough money to live on, so why try to gain any job skills or anything in life?  This may be enabling her to continue bad behavior and not face responsibility in life.

How can you leave such a good, stable situation and a man that loves you and YOUR daughter to have a long distance relationship with a guy that is apparently not all that...

It's mental illness and the fear of abandonment.  This isn't judging you in any way, but a BPD will self sabotage because they have such an intense fear of abandonment.  So they look for signs that they're being abandoned and then push their partners away as a self-defense mechanism.  In reality though, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  While she blames you, her self destructive behavior destroys the relationship.

Why the Canada guy?  Well, she has everything she needs to live her best life right now.  So she's searching for affection and taking it wherever she can get it.  Maybe he means something to her, maybe not...but he fulfills a need.

Should I expect her coming back at some point? We left on a good note and I told her I respect her decision to leave and didnt beg for her to stay.

BPD's usually recycle relationships so the odds are that she does return at some point, but you've given her everything she needs (except for love) to stay away.  The apartment, the money...she probably takes all of that for granted and sees it as something you owe her, just so you know.  So she's probably not appreciative at all.

Do BPD's give up when they realize you're done?

In general, the answer would be no.  In fact, saying you're done may serve as motivation for her to come back.  Their emotions go in cycles as they advance through relationship phases, starting with idolizing you and ending with the discard.  The pattern often repeats until someone cuts off all contact.  As far as the timing goes, she's currently going through that cycle with the Canada guy or maybe multiple guys at once.  When she realizes that they aren't perfect, that's usually when they'll reach out to you and try to restart the cycle.

You said that you don't want to return to the relationship- is that set in stone? There are practical tools along the top of this webpage that can help you better communicate and understand your wife.  Books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" also give great insight into the mind of the BPD and how we can better regulate those patterns.

In any case, I wish you luck and I encourage you to ask as many questions as you need.  Again, I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this and the community is here to help.

[Doctordoom88]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I think since we were going to get married and we didnt (I was supposed to propose in Japan but she was starting fights the entire time) I look at giving her an apartment for one year as a head start and what I would have paid for a wedding and then divorce proceedings. Im trying to take the high road and do the right thing. You are totally correct about her thinking she's entitled to it all.  2000 a month to her is nothing unless she magically learned how to budget since the time we broke up. I got a 200 dollar swimsuit delivered to my house that she bought and claimed is the last package I should be getting. I dont hate her and understand that deep down is a hurt individual that doesnt want to be this way but has no choice. She gave me almost 5yrs, a beautiful daughter and some good memories before she turned. I figured I at least owe her a head start. Id love to sit down with her and deconstruct the relationship and explain what happened through the bpd lens but I know that would be a waste of time.  Canada guy is also self proclaimed former narcissist, and I explained to her thats a bit of an odd thing to tell someone. But I see BPD's are drawn to these types. In any case Ill update with insights and information as things develop. It's the early stages (week 3) since the breakup and she still doesn't have a job. Do people with BPD have blowups or melt downs when things get too stressful? That's my therapist's concern with regards to my daughter. That and having strange men around.

[Pook075]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I think since we were going to get married and we didnt (I was supposed to propose in Japan but she was starting fights the entire time) I look at giving her an apartment for one year as a head start and what I would have paid for a wedding and then divorce proceedings. Im trying to take the high road and do the right thing. You are totally correct about her thinking she's entitled to it all.  2000 a month to her is nothing unless she magically learned how to budget since the time we broke up. I got a 200 dollar swimsuit delivered to my house that she bought and claimed is the last package I should be getting.

My only advice here is to have a conversation SOON that you are giving her a head start and this is a 12-month agreement.  Maybe she reacts to that badly, but you have to state that to her and it might even be better in writing.  DO NOT wait for 11 months and then bring it up, because it will bring far more problems than its worth.

You are definitely taking the high road and that's a noble thing.  I wish I could help my ex that way financially, but at the same time she also needs to figure out the world on her own.  There's a very fine line between giving support and enabling, so it's always hard to know how generous to be.

I dont hate her and understand that deep down is a hurt individual that doesnt want to be this way but has no choice. She gave me almost 5yrs, a beautiful daughter and some good memories before she turned. I figured I at least owe her a head start.

That's a good mindset to have and after all, she is the mother of your child.  I will reinforce here again that there are paths to try and salvage the relationship if you ultimately choose to go that route.  For now though, take some time to yourself and figure out who you are outside of work and the relationship.  You may not realize it, but you've been hurt and that takes time to heal.  Take advantage of this time to focus on yourself and figure out what you really want.

Id love to sit down with her and deconstruct the relationship and explain what happened through the bpd lens but I know that would be a waste of time.  Canada guy is also self proclaimed former narcissist, and I explained to her thats a bit of an odd thing to tell someone. But I see BPD's are drawn to these types. In any case Ill update with insights and information as things develop. It's the early stages (week 3) since the breakup and she still doesn't have a job.

Don't try to explain BPD to someone disordered, because all they'll hear is you saying they're messed up in the head.  Instead, show her love and compassion when you can and reinforce that your intentions were always to stand by her, marry her even.  This will help her mental health and ultimately your own as well.

Do people with BPD have blowups or melt downs when things get too stressful? That's my therapist's concern with regards to my daughter. That and having strange men around.

Absolutely yes.  This is a genuine concern and while your wife may never intentionally endanger your daughter, there will be times when she's unstable and say or do things she probably shouldn't.  The long-term cure for this is working through therapy and wanting to change, which will only happen when she's personally ready and realizes the need. 

In the meantime, it would be good for you to have limited contact to discuss your child and what's best for her.  Don't let this become a situation where your child hears, "Daddy kicked us out and doesn't care about us."  You must be present and show through your actions that it's clearly not the case.

Also, and this is just me thinking out loud here, the apartment is likely in your name.  That makes it your apartment.  It wouldn't be terrible to ask for your daughter to not be there if strange men were going to visit.  Even though you are separated, you do have a say in your child's wellbeing.  You're a person of means so legal options are also open to you (if necessary).

I hope that helps at least a little.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I understand everything seems confusing and unfair now. The destructive behavior was never justified, not reasonable. If you try to find what you did wrong, there won't be an answer.

When was she diagnosed with BPD? I get the sense that it's your therapist who suspects it. Does she "check enough boxes"?

You describe her as someone who can't control spending, cheating, with no job prospects or intentions... But you never said she's not fit to take care or your daughter. I'm sorry to say this, but do you trust her to raise your daughter with shared custody?

I understand the thing about knowing they depend on you. Most people don't know how to tell me to run away and forget about my SO. And they don't understand that one thing is to know someone is bad for you, and another is to not care at all that she lives in the streets. In my relationship I can't have any hopes that it will ever be a healthy affectionate, caring marriage (we didn't marry, similar reasons), But I can't just turn my back on her (and her kids) being the last support she has.

I can't imagine the emotional complications if she had a child who was also mine. I think I wouldn't ever be able to consider breaking up (I wouldn't be able to support them if we didn't share a flat). I'm very sorry for your daughter. You're gonna find people in this forum who have had experience with that. I hope they can help you to take the right steps for her. It'll be good to know what to expect sharing the custody with an ex with BPD. If a "divorce" is bad for a kid, being in a conflicted home with destructive behavior for years is much worse. So staying together (or getting back together) is not necesarily the best choice for the kid.

What I've learned about pwBPD is that they are in constant pain. They need a very strong emotion to forget for a minute the pain. Spending must take her mind for some minutes, but a new relationship would take her mind off the pain for hours at a time for days, the thrill about knowing and idolizing a new person, and feeling idolized by that person (that "doesn't know how rotten I am inside yet"). The more mature evolved love that you had is not as intense, as urgent, as unexpected... To distract her from the pain. It sacks to be in your position, but it's not about you, it's part of the disorder. Don't obsess about who or why, or when...It just happened. Other people drink, or abuse substances, over-exercise, develop eating disorders...

You've been given the best advice. Take this opportunitiy to know more about yourself and about who you are without her, and what do you want for your future, and your daughter's future.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can keep us posted on a good developement.

Hang in there!

[ForeverDad]

Ive been in no contact as best as possible since we broke up and she was texting me a bunch the first week about little things like facetiming our daughter... We have split custody with set days so we really don't have to talk or see each other at all.

Once the adult relationship has ended, then the parenting relationship becomes your priority.  You can't depend on your ex to provide a healthy example for your daughter, not with who knows how many future men in her life and whatever mental health issues she may have.  Yet, there are limits to what you can require of her, you don't control her, she is an adult after all and has a right to live her life as she sees fit.

Except there is a shared child whose welfare you must consider.  That's why trying to be a very involved parent is crucial.  Question, how possessive is she of your child?  I ask because some mothers give far more attention to their adult love interests than to their children.  Is she that sort?  If so, then you would do well to strategize ways of you to be the primary parent so you can provide stability and consistency in your daughter's life.

Do you think there would be any obstacles to you gaining more parenting time or custodial responsibility?  Are you listed on the child's birth certificate?

It sounds like this current agreement (apartment and child support) are not official.  If it had to go to court at some future date, what documentation would you have to show you're an involved parent?  Would she be able to convince the court that you're only a barely there dad?  (Do you have majority time, equal time or what might be considered a taken of alternate weekends?  Have you documented (dates and photos) taking her to outings such as local parks, kids movies, amusement parks, birthdays, holidays, etc?  Will you be taking your daughter on vacations, without her mother trailing behind?

If you did get a court order, did you know that the default order would grant you an equal number of holidays, usually alternated throughout the year, and as much as three weeks total each yer for vacations?  Even the child's birthdays would be alternated each year.  So, might you be shortchanging yourself without even realizing it?

As noted above, when the adult relationship ends or even if merely paused while mother plays around with others, your parenting then becomes the proper priority.

My own history is that I had one child.  My spouse split me black and started blocking my parenting rights, that was the start of my several years in and out of court, she was that oppositional.  I started with a "temp" order where I had no custody and alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  She was consistent with her disparagement, her perception was that our child was "her" child, the disparagement continued and by the time we had our last hearing the court had by then very very gradually reduced her to no custody and I was assigned majority time.  It wasn't easy but it was best for my now grown child.

[Doctordoom88]

Wow this forum is awesome and I appreciate all of the responses. I’m on my phone but I will try to answer a lot of the questions that have been asked.

Some further background information to further put things in context….I met her on tinder where her profile said she was 22, after a month of hanging out she told me she was 18. She’s a very attractive, well developed woman and when she was 17 she apparently dated a 35yo which her parents knew about. ( I found this out later). The first night we hung out we had sex. She claims that after that night she wrote in her journal that she wanted to have my baby and be with me forever. I didn’t find out about that until much later. I’m 20yrs older than her. She was also in a mental hospital when she was 15 for self mutialtion and suicidal tendencies. I travel a lot and since she was doing nothing it worked out perfectly that we could travel together and after 6 months she got pregnant. I tried to push her to get an abortion explaining how this would change the course of her life and that she’s too young. She didn’t care. Now that I know more about BPD I believe she thought she would lose me after the abortion. I was not the perfect boyfriend for the first 2 yrs of the relationship. I had never dated someone so clingy and needy. There were cheating episodes on both sides in the beginning and after the pregnancy. Then at the 2.5yr mark I said I’m going to change and we did couples counseling and I became the good guy. We were involved in swinging and she does claim that she did that to make me happy and that it caused trauma. It did not seem traumatic at the time and there were times where she was pushing to do it and I went along with it. All in all it was definitely a toxic relationship but we stayed in therapy and worked through issues. I just think since I’m older I was able to grow and her being young and bpd she wanted to live her life and have fun. She has no friends but she loves attention from guys and I suspect she’s having a lot of fun right now.

With regards to her parenting…we had the baby during the pandemic and she was a really good mother for the first year. She breast fed and was on top of everything. I was very impressed. Then after the first year I hired a nanny and it was night and day. She didn’t work and looking back on it I have no clue what she was doing all day but there were many naps and sitting around on her phone shopping. I have 50% custody of the kid and we do not have a court order as of yet. I think parenting is an inconvenience for her and she has not found a job yet. It’s hard to picture her working and being a parent even 50% of the time because she barely did anything the entire time I knew her. I offered to put her through college and she never wanted to go. The situation is a mess. I have another daughter that’s 10 and me and her mom were really good friends. This was also a huge point of contention. My BPDex hated her and was obsessed with keeping us from talking. I know I stepped in it by dating someone much younger and passing up the red flags but I learned I have my own trauma that led me to pick a situation like this.

It’s still the early innings but what are the chances of someone like this succeeding and having a stable life? I worry about my daughter but I suspect she’ll just dump her on me if she becomes an inconvenience. As stated previously were both in no contact and the last I heard was a week ago. She was trying to meet me for coffee the week after the breakup but I was ignoring her. Then last Saturday I could tell she was hurting so I sent a letter that explained I need space and that I was going no contact to heal and move on. She wrote a nice response and since then it’s been nothing. What would the chances be that she comes back around? I guess most people wonder that. We know how this is a hopeless relationship but our egos are bruised and we want to know that a part of them regrets it.


To forever dad, that’s awesome you got majority custody. How did that happen? Did she relinquish it or was she crazy enough the court decided on that?

[ForeverDad]

All in all it was definitely a toxic relationship but we stayed in therapy and worked through issues. I just think since I’m older I was able to grow and her being young and bpd she wanted to live her life and have fun.

While there is an age difference in your relationship, I do not consider age the core issue.  She had sex on the first night together.  She lied about her age in the first month together.

She was also in a mental hospital when she was 15 for self mutilation and suicidal tendencies, strong indicators of Borderline traits... She claims that swinging caused trauma but it did not seem traumatic at the time and there were times where she was pushing to do it.  That's rewriting history, Perceptions versus Facts, another BPD trait of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

I have another daughter that’s 10 and me and her mom were really good friends. This was also a huge point of contention. My BPDex hated her and was obsessed with keeping us from talking. I know I stepped in it by dating someone much younger and passing up the red flags but I learned I have my own trauma that led me to pick a situation like this.

This is isolation, yet another BPD trait.  "Divide and Conquer" does work if we're not aware nor have proper Boundaries. <-- See link. Also here:
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Many people, ourselves included, seem to have previously unnoticed issues from the past, from FOO or Family Of Origin.  In themselves not devastating but they do influence our choices so that we can be inclined to make poor relationship choices.  It is what it is.  Counseling helps but by then some poor choices have already happened.

What's done is done.  We can't fix the past, just strive to improve the future.

With regards to her parenting…we had the baby during the pandemic and she was a really good mother for the first year. She breast fed and was on top of everything. I was very impressed. Then after the first year I hired a nanny and it was night and day. She didn’t work and looking back on it I have no clue what she was doing all day but there were many naps and sitting around on her phone shopping. I have 50% custody of the kid and we do not have a court order as of yet. I think parenting is an inconvenience for her and she has not found a job yet. It’s hard to picture her working and being a parent even 50% of the time because she barely did anything the entire time I knew her. I offered to put her through college and she never wanted to go. The situation is a mess.

New members often state the problem parent is or was a "Good" parent.  But consistency is crucial.  Borderline mothers can care for small babies but as children get older they progressively need more independence beyond feeding and diapers.  Many BPD mothers can't adjust to that change toward increasing independence.

So she hasn't turned out to actually be a good mother.  In a manner of speaking, she's a bit of both good and bad.  Short term therapy is not enough.  She would benefit from long term therapy and many pwBPD find that hard to continue.

It’s still the early innings but what are the chances of someone like this succeeding and having a stable life? I worry about my daughter but I suspect she’ll just dump her on me if she becomes an inconvenience.

This is what I alluded to in my previous post.  If she is willing to Gift you more parenting then don't refuse it.  This is about a tender child who needs an involved, reasonably normal parent.  Sure, you have faults too but you see them, can work with them and lessen the negative impact on your daughter as she grows up.

What would the chances be that she comes back around? ... We know how this is a hopeless relationship but our egos are bruised and we want to know that a part of them regrets it.

Resuming meaningful therapy would be a great start.  Also, whether she improves or not, you picking up the slack in good parenting is essential even if you don't feel qualified.  This is for your daughter.  Perhaps even both of your daughters.

To ForeverDad, that’s awesome you got majority custody. How did that happen? Did she relinquish it or was she crazy enough the court decided on that?

As I wrote, she was very oppositional and tried to sabotage my parenting every steps of the way.  BPD is a range of behaviors, my ex was actively oppositional and sabotaged me whenever she could.  I was determined to remain an involved father but my parenting order was slow to improve.  It seemed like half the hearings in family court were failures.  Over time I've come to conclude that the slow pace was court trying not to be "too favorable" to me. But half the hearings over the years did assign me more parenting time and more custodial responsibility.

Every situation described here is a little different from the others.  But our overall goal is to be an involved parent, a better parent over time, and raising healthy children who are prepared for healthy adult life with as few mishaps along the way.
 

[Doctordoom88]

While there is an age difference in your relationship, I do not consider age the core issue.  She had sex on the first night together.  She lied about her age in the first month together.

She was also in a mental hospital when she was 15 for self mutilation and suicidal tendencies, strong indicators of Borderline traits... She claims that swinging caused trauma but it did not seem traumatic at the time and there were times where she was pushing to do it.  That's rewriting history, Perceptions versus Facts, another BPD trait of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

This is isolation, yet another BPD trait.  "Divide and Conquer" does work if we're not aware nor have proper Boundaries. <-- See link. Also here:
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Many people, ourselves included, seem to have previously unnoticed issues from the past, from FOO or Family Of Origin.  In themselves not devastating but they do influence our choices so that we can be inclined to make poor relationship choices.  It is what it is.  Counseling helps but by then some poor choices have already happened.

What's done is done.  We can't fix the past, just strive to improve the future.

New members often state the problem parent is or was a "Good" parent.  But consistency is crucial.  Borderline mothers can care for small babies but as children get older they progressively need more independence beyond feeding and diapers.  Many BPD mothers can't adjust to that change toward increasing independence.

So she hasn't turned out to actually be a good mother.  In a manner of speaking, she's a bit of both good and bad.  Short term therapy is not enough.  She would benefit from long term therapy and many pwBPD find that hard to continue.

This is what I alluded to in my previous post.  If she is willing to Gift you more parenting then don't refuse it.  This is about a tender child who needs an involved, reasonably normal parent.  Sure, you have faults too but you see them, can work with them and lessen the negative impact on your daughter as she grows up.

Resuming meaningful therapy would be a great start.  Also, whether she improves or not, you picking up the slack in good parenting is essential even if you don't feel qualified.  This is for your daughter.  Perhaps even both of your daughters.

As I wrote, she was very oppositional and tried to sabotage my parenting every steps of the way.  BPD is a range of behaviors, my ex was actively oppositional and sabotaged me whenever she could.  I was determined to remain an involved father but my parenting order was slow to improve.  It seemed like half the hearings in family court were failures.  Over time I've come to conclude that the slow pace was court trying not to be "too favorable" to me. But half the hearings over the years did assign me more parenting time and more custodial responsibility.

Every situation described here is a little different from the others.  But our overall goal is to be an involved parent, a better parent over time, and raising healthy children who are prepared for healthy adult life with as few mishaps along the way.
 

Yes, that is the ultimate goal. It's still relatively fresh for me so im caught between being a good parent and trying gain an understanding of what I just experienced to cope with the loss. It's actually not that bad at week 3 but obviously its a huge void in terms of identity and time. We did everything together because she had no friends and sucked me into it (another borderline trait).

Thats an interesting bit about borderline mothers and parenting. That makes a lot of sense now that I reflect back on how she was when my daughter was an infant. It did change when she started becoming more independent. When we first broke up she was asking to facetime her and asking for pictures of her. I felt like this was an attempt to keep tabs on me. Now at week 3 ive had her for 5 days and not one text.

Im trying to avoid court because of what you described above but I think it is inevitable with her. I have a feeling when she gets low on funds and/or I stop paying her rent after one year she'll change. Right now shes getting much more than im legally obligated to give so im fine with going to court. She does not want my daughter full time or at least I seriously doubt that. She seems to be enjoying her new found freedom and most likely new relationship. I still cant wrap my head around how someone would make their life 100x more difficult by doing what she did. I suppose pwBPD dont think long term and then they wake up one day saying what just happened?

Im sorry you had to endure a long court battle and you seem like a really good guy even by the way you respond to a stranger on the web about his problems . Did you end up finding someone else to be with and were they understanding about your coparenting situation? Im starting to date again and its a little hard to explain and I realize it raises a huge red flag to any potential partner. I know what to look for and if i see those BPD signs im outta there!

[ForeverDad]

Thats an interesting bit about borderline mothers and parenting. That makes a lot of sense now that I reflect back on how she was when my daughter was an infant. It did change when she started becoming more independent. When we first broke up she was asking to facetime her and asking for pictures of her. I felt like this was an attempt to keep tabs on me. Now at week 3 ive had her for 5 days and not one text.

Right now shes getting much more than im legally obligated to give so im fine with going to court. She does not want my daughter full time or at least I seriously doubt that.

Be sure to never state this level of support will be continuing as is indefinitely.  It would be smart to always phrase this as "transitional assistance" into a post-relationship.  Courts understand that perspective and in many places do see alimony as a relatively short term transition into life after marriage.  Not being married, check with your local family law attorneys (multiple confidential consultations to get an idea of various strategies) to determine how your situation would be handled in your local area.

I suspected she might be a mother as much or more interested in adult relationships than parenting.  But be aware that facing court can trigger a disordered parent to suddenly overreact and demand everything including parenting.  They can want to preserve a "public face" or appearance of being a good parent, thinking a preferential court order would make them a good parent in front of others.

That's why it would be good for you to keep records of how much you do actual parenting.  Keep a log or journal of your actual, not scheduled, parenting time and actions with your child... who takes the child to doctor, dentist, etc.

Courts give little if any merit to vague claims of "he always/never..." or "she always/never..." and view it as unproven hearsay.

In my case the court's own parenting investigator recommended a Custody Evaluation, much more in-depth than a cursory psych eval and focused on the child.  But then, my case had a mother fighting tooth and nail to block me.

I suppose pwBPD dont think long term and then they wake up one day saying what just happened?

Unless she is in meaningful long term therapy and applies it diligently in her perceptions and life, she may never "wake up one day".

Im starting to date again and its a little hard to explain and I realize it raises a huge red flag to any potential partner. I know what to look for and if i see those BPD signs im outta there!

You've only just separated.  There is a high risk that you're not ready for a serious relationship, rather it might be a "rebound relationship" that would have issues as well.  You know... "for all the wrong reasons".

For example, for years I could not manage a dialogue without somehow bringing up my parenting struggles.  Time and a measure of recovery calmed that down.  A truism here is that recovery is a process, not an event.  Discuss this aspect with your personal counselor or therapist.

The divorce, court, opposition all zapped my energy and health.  I was in my 50's then (child in my later years) and now am retired with heart attacks and a chronic illness that I at least partly attribute to the stress of all that.  So no I didn't seek out another relationship, or at least failed to make one happen.