Heartbroken Grandmother

[Purple flower]

Hello!
I’m excited to be a member of this community! My 28 year old daughter has BPD and we have had no physical or verbal communication since July ‘22. That’s when I finally set some firm limits, and refused to give in to her demands concerning my fiancé at that time. (She “investigated” his past behind my back and then ambushed me with evidence of his financial challenges years prior, and demanded answers from him, etc). When her temper tantrums did not result in getting her own way, it set off a response of out of control rage, accusations and ultimatums. With the support of my now husband, I’ve been able to hold the boundaries firm and put myself first for probably the first time ever in our mother daughter relationship.

My biggest sadness though is that she refuses to allow me any contact with my 8 year old granddaughter. She claims that she wants to teach her daughter what “real love” is all about, and that I don’t fit her definition of real love. My daughter was a single parent at the age of 19, and my ex and I practically raised this child along with her. Her and I had a healthy, strong relationship, and I am certain she doesn’t understand why I am no longer in her life. I have no idea what lies she is being told. I miss her so much that it physically hurts.

My daughter and her new husband and my granddaughter live in another state, about 4 hours from me. I retained an attorney who tried to put some legal pressure on her to voluntarily allow visitation, but she quickly slammed the door on that, and I already knew that would be a long shot as there is no legal rights for grandparents in her state. My daughter has estranged herself from all family members and friends on my side, as well as her fathers side of family.

During the first several months of this situation, I was still sending my granddaughter cards and gifts on special occasions. I’m not certain they were received (she actually returned gifts sent by my ex calling them inappropriate). She never returned my gifts, but I just don’t trust her. So I now have decided I won’t send anything anymore. Instead, I write to my granddaughter in a journal which I hope to share with her as an adult. And I will still buy special cards but just set them aside for the day I can watch her in person receive my thoughts and love. I just hope and pray that reunification will happen, and that she is somehow able to get through this, and living with her unhealthy mother without too much hardship.

I know there might be little more I can do to help my daughter if she refuses to help herself. My plan is to keep myself as top priority, keep reading books on BPD which does help tame my guilt, and pray!  I do have moments when the urge to see my granddaughter outweighs my resolve to hold strong on my boundaries- but so far I haven’t wavered.

I welcome any other ideas this group may have…. Especially concerning my granddaughter. My daughter is really good at crying the abandonment card - it kills me to think that my sweet 8 year may actually believe that I have abandoned her!!

Thank you!!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Purple Flower
Your situation is so sad, and unfortunately so common in families with a BPD child. I understand the pain and anxiety. Sometimes I used to feel as though my body was going to fall apart, such was the intense worry - and fear too I think. The nights were very long sometimes!

I think your journal is a great idea!

One consolation I think is that you had such a close relationship with your gd for those precious early years. I personally think they are really important years, and are what we come back to later on as adults. The journal will fill in the gaps later on, and also she will be able to understand what has happened.

I hope there is some breakthrough soon - but holding the line is important. I wonder if keeping an eye on social media could be helpful? If you know what school your gd goes to, perhaps see if they have a fb account - it could help you feel connected in some small way with your gd's day to day life.

Coming here and knowing that there are so many others in the world that carry the same pain as I do has been a really helpful thing for me. I hope you feel you are not alone too . . .

[Clairabelle72]

This is so sad for you, I'm in a similar situation but not as bad as yours as my grandchild is only 9 months and I've only seen him roughly once a week up until now, but it still hurts like mad, especially when my daughter posts pictures of him on facebook knowing her father will show me. But for you to have been involved in raising your grandaughter for several years, the pain must be unbearable. I always knew my daughter would use the child against me and so it has come to pass. Some days I feel guilty and sad that she feels the way she does, but others, like today, I feel bloody angry that she is such a nasty person and only ever wants to hurt me no matter what I do. I think it's the injustice that makes me angriest, she would gladly let her brothers and father in to see the baby, but not me, the one person who ever makes an effort with her. Sorry to hijack, I just don't understand why these girls are so unfair to the people who have done most for them. I'm sorry for your situation, but like Sancho I think your grandaughter will come looking for you one day, you've been so involved in her early years she won't forget that. Good luck.