Someone I was close to for years blocked me out of nowhere

[EmmaS.]

I have an ex who I had a long-term, complicated and close relationship with. We broke up many years ago and both had our own marriages and families. He was someone who broke my heart and I never understood what happened because he seemed very in love with me. We even got together twice when we were younger years apart. He ended up moving across the country and we say each other once years ago and he even though in a relationship hit on me when he was in town and I rejected him. Zoom ahead years later and there would everyone once in awhile be a reach out, telling me he had a dream about me etc. We rekindled a deeper friendship I'd say about 8-years ago online (we're both married with kids and before you judge me my husband knows about this connection) and I was content to have someone I cared about back in my life, but he seemed to always push it further into something romantic, telling me he loved me texting daily. I lost both my parents within 4 years so this was a vulnerable time for me and he grew to be someone I was close to. But it was always weird he'd get close do something big like send me a guitar, tell me he wished he'd married me, then pull away for a few weeks. I never pushed him, never demanded anything. I'd seek some clarity. I wanted to make sure our spouses knew and wanted not to be a 'secret' anymore. A few months ago he told me he was coming to town and wanted to see me, at this point I'd stopped reaching out because I was finding the back and forth was hurting me too much. He said we could have dinner and he'd even tell his wife we were friends. We were making plans getting close again and then bam, he blocks me from all social media and seemed to block my phone number. I've never ever blown up his phone or behaved in a way that would necessitate this. I figured something blew up with his wife, which is why I always wanted him to be honest with her, but even so why cut me off? He could have even told me he needed the romantic part to end and I would've accepted it. It feels so cruel to get close and say he'd be more open with his wife about our connection then just cut me off? I always thought he had some type of personality disorder and BPD now makes the most sense but I don't think he knows what is wrong with him. Does any of this insanity make sense to anyone here?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Emma-

Sorry for the delayed response and welcome to the boards.  I’m sorry for your pain and confusion.

In answer to your question of whether this makes any sense… to me it makes perfect sense AND it makes no sense at all.  So here’s my thinking on this situation, although at this point he may already have made contact with you again.

First, he may or may not have BPD or BPD traits.  Lots of people carry lifelong flickers of feelings for long-lost loves, especially when those relationships ended under less than ideal circumstances.  And in the connected world of today, it's pretty easy for people to dip in and out to take a temperature check to measure the level of interest from past lovers - Especially if things in their current lives don’t seem *perfect*.  Disordered people seem to seek that perfection, which in reality we know doesn’t last.

Depending on the type of marriage a person has, entering outside romantic relationships may be okay.  But for some couples, it’s not.  An above board platonic Friendship, yes; but crossing other lines…well that may be a big No.   If your ex’s wife has any inkling of how you felt about him in the past, and chances are she probably does, she may not be happy if he were to reengage with the woman whose heart he broke years ago.  Especially if he’s mentioned that you still carry a torch for him, that he’s *heard* you never got over him.  You see?

In addition, you likely don’t know his history of faithfulness within his marriage.  And… the most potentially harmful part for you, is that if you truly allow him to enter your world, you don’t know what kind of emotional chaos and damage he may bring into your life and your marriage.  Especially if he does have BPD.

So my friend, step cautiously.  And really define for yourself what you expect to gain through this reengagement, vs what may actually be at stake, i.e. what you could possibly lose…

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes