Blindsided after divorce, with kids, "co-parenting"

[AlmostRyan]

I haven't posted in awhile, because after 5 years of two households, things were generally quiet on that front. We weren't really co-parenting per se, but there was a status quo. No major concerns from me with the ex for a stretch, except for some mounting financial slips and some medical disagreements where the kids were excessively involved by her. Kids seemed to go back and forth just fine. I can deal with small disagreements, the kids' grades are good although the adult parents are feeling the effects of the job market and other forces for sure. Internally I do think kids were hurting, but don't show it.

Then, a series of unfortunate events out of nowhere, stemming from breadwinner job termination. The trigger, as it were. Suddenly, the ex is back to her controlling what goes on in my house from across town which leads to her grabbing temporary emergency full custody and the kids are removed from my home (we have 50/50 everything, week on, week off). So far, they've been away now for 2 months while the court process creeps along. I miss them and they miss me.

I have been weathering things mostly fine because I needed a break anyway from working the same industry for decades, and I save up. Things were turning rather toxic to my age bracket at the end anyway (wheee). Kids these days, not very respectful, but that's another post to a different section.

I am leaving out a lot of details, but the ex blindsides like nobody's business. And as I got back up, I found out she was having other people spying on me online, disparaging me to the kids, message passing, hiding income, enjoying several big expensive group outings, and so forth. All documented for court. The "woe is me" to everyone who will listen, live it up on the downlow, and accuse me of all kinds of things: being a danger to self and others, mentally unstable, a drunk, an abuser, and so forth, all to get temp custody at 100% and try to ruin my life. So much for trying to date for awhile. That has also been a frustration. Granted, I take a lot of walks and I do sometimes look like a wandering blissful fool.

In the aftermath of her move, the entire ex-family is now split off from me except for the elders on her side who are still supporting me having the kids back to 50/50. The kids have been allowed to sleep over at questionable places and be left alone with her "trusted friends and family" who are mostly like her (vindictive and accomplices to whatever she wants).

So now I have legal help and am happy not to be in jail from her accusations.

Not gonna lie, all this has sent my anger through the roof, but I'm managing and haven't hurt a flea. The kids were seeing an angry dad in the leadup, they are on the upper age range of tweens.

There's some hope. The judge saw her lack of following court orders already. She has been chastised 2 or 3 times and also has to pay for half of all court ordered expenses from here on out (subject to later assessment). She now has to work, pay for more stuff, and have the kids 100% of the time until I regain any custody. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to do all that. It's not sustainable. I think she will cut corners more and more, she already has been, and doing victory dances which can't possibly last in any healthy way for her or the kids.

So much for due process. Anyone in the U.S. can just file an emergency order, write a bunch of exaggerations and lies on it (lies of omission, truth bending and word twisting), and have the kids yanked into the system for, basically, ransom. Forget fighting CPS when they are acting on her fears "out of caution".

If I had anything to do over, I would have lawyered up a LOT sooner and been quiet about it. I would have done it in the background. I am still so trusting. Lesson learned.

It doesn't seem to end. Keep hope, folks. If not for God and my small support system, I'd be a lot worse off. Still, ouch!!!

[ForeverDad]

We feel for you.  One problem with the slow pace of action while either investigating or waiting for the next court date a month or so down the road is that the consequences are minimal for the misbehaving parent.

In most cases it does get resolved, after putting us through all the stress of "unsubstantiated" claims.  I can't remember how many allegations my ex made, one by one they were all closed.  Well, until the next allegation. I used to joke that officialdom's response was "maybe after the 99th allegation there might be something supported".

I had a temp order at first during our separation. The magistrate had hearings for the petitions we had made. Hers was eventually withdrawn and mine was dismissed. I then filed for divorce. My spouse refused me all contact with our preschooler. Sadly, court was backed up and I didn't see/talk with him for 3 months while waiting for the initial hearing.

Now I come to why I'm recounting my story. When I finally had our day at court and told the magistrate my now stbEx had blocking my parental access - admittedly there had been no order in place since he had ended the prior temp order - he said, "I'll fix that."

When those temp orders were all dismissed and she was found Not Guilty of DV threats (judge ruled no weapon in her hands so death threats were not "imminent" per case law).  She immediately stopped exchanges.  After a month I found a divorce lawyer, got my paperwork done and filed for divorce.  Another two months and we had our initial divorce hearing.  The same magistrate was not perturbed she had blocked 100% for 3 months.  All he said was, "I'll fix this" and issued the same temp order, this time also ordering me to pay child support starting retroactive to the filing date.  No consequences for her, no make up time for me.

My thought for you and your lawyer is that you don't sit passive and not at least ask for your ex to have consequences for what she did. However, I am not hopeful that will succeed. Maybe, maybe not. But perhaps asking for makeup time might get some concessions from that judge, not that you missed seeing your children (court may have little empathy for you, an adult) but that your children missed seeing you (they are minors after all and were deprived from time with one of their parents).

Will either request work?  I don't know.  But if you don't ask then you'll likely get no consequences nor makeup time.

[AlmostRyan]

Thank you for your reply, ForeverDad. You are a true rock of support on here over the years. I feel for you as well, dads hurt when they can't even protect their kids... but true, I get little empathy. Well, you have my empathy for that and the other aspects of being apart. It hurts having this happen. I realize that's the aim she has and I can kind of let it hurt me a bit less if I work at that. Less hurt means less anger. So, my anger levels are reduced. I am still recovering and going to get some therapy.

We were a bit aggressive asking for custody right back, like immediately. We filed documented irrefutable evidence (not that such a thing matters when feelings are overruling) indicating the kids were annoyed at being removed despite her apparently prepping and coaching them. I don't think they believed her or that it could happen? The younger definitely misses dad and our dog. Older misses dog too. (It's two living beings they were separated from, not just me). But the older one also doesn't want to be around angry dad 100% of the time, either, so, that's the reality and I can't blame the kid. And I don't want to be angry. So, yeah. Gee, why am I angry? I wonder!

Compensation time is a good idea. Doesn't hurt to ask. At the same time, I have my own things to do so maybe now is the time to do them even though I'm still reeling. I've not been wanting to idle (sitting passive like you say) when it comes to her consequences. I will see if I can keep some pressure on. Lawyer and I so far have a good trust in each other I think. We had to get up to speed quickly. It's still early.

Sadly the first hearings went by so fast and covered a lot. We did get a few orders of our own to stick, none of which the ex liked at all. I think as we push for more (and there is a lot more) she will hopefully get more consequences, like you say. By now we are on notice and I finally have some defense (and not just me sitting out there wide open taking pot shots).